My boyfriend wants to spend every holiday with his family, and never join me (29f) for my holiday traditions

I'm estranged from my family, and that's not something I regret at all. But it is something that made me quite lonely over the holidays for some time. In college, I tried to fill that time with work, study, etc. But it always felt shitty; I missed my friends who were busy with their families. So I started going backpacking and camping and hunting in the forests over Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks. I was plenty experienced with the outdoors, and I liked the peace it brought me.

It made me feel close to nature, I've always felt the most at home outdoors so it felt like going home. And it was physically challenging, and mentally challenging. Hiking in snow and ice, thinking about navigating, keeping warm and dry, setting up and breaking down camp, cooking, etc. It really cleared my mind and I found myself coming home from my trips refreshed and happy rather than feeling blue and lonely. It's become a tradition of mine, for 10 years.

Every year, I'm excited for it. Planning routes, shopping for new winter gear, prepping meals, etc. It's special to me because I don't have all that much time off work, and I prefer to use my other vacation time for social stuff or couples trips, so having two weeks of time to get back to nature really matters to me. It's one of the few times a year I can go totally off-grid; I work in tech and have the pressure to be always-on otherwise.

I've also been in a relationship with Tim for three years. The last few years, he's wanted to go to holidays with his family, it's important to him, and I've wanted to spend my holidays camping for the same reason.

This year, he invited me to his family's Christmas celebration for the whole week. His family has a big weeklong festivity at their house, hosting a lot of family. He's invited me before but this was the first time I accepted. And its been really nice so far. It was a little difficult for me because at times it was super foreign to me and I felt like a total imposter who didn't belong there, but I stayed because I knew it matters to him.

I said something last night about how I'd like him to join me for my thing next year, for one of the winter holidays. I wanted to bring him along camping, like he'd brought me home. I felt like he'd love it; he adores nature too, and loves going on challenging backpacking trips, going caving, hunting, and anything outdoorsy. And he said something that really surprised me. He said he wouldn't go; his family's holidays are really important to him.

I said that i felt the same about my holidays, and I felt hurt he'd say no right away. I'd skipped a holiday tradition that was really important to me, to join him for his tradition. I'd want him to do the same for me. Like how couples who are both close with their families trade off who's to visit... I'd like to trade off who's traditions to follow.

He said that wasn't gonna be an option for him; this was the only time that he saw so many of his family and childhood friends. And my trips weren't like that for me, they weren't the same.

That bothered me a lot. It felt like I was being punished for not having family in my life, not having people in my life who I only see at holidays. But I can't help that, and even though I don't have that, I do have something that feels like home... And I'd like to invite him to my "home" in nature just the same. It's the same feeling.

How do we work through this, Reddit?

tldr - my boyfriend has really traditional holidays with family. Since I've been estranged from my family since I was 18, I have the more unusual holiday tradition of getting back to nature, which feels like home to me. I want to trade off who's "home" we go to, he doesn't see them as equal and wants to spend every holiday at his family's home.

Submitted December 25, 2019 at 08:38AM by penbiluu https://ift.tt/2PZlxu5