Ever since I can remember my mum has been explosive and I've lived in a volatile home. I read online that people with explosive mothers experience Good Mum and Bad Mum. Mine is more like Bad Mum and Worse Mum.
When I was a child she did this to my older brother - every day there was shouting and crying when they would argue, and she used to tell me that I was only crying for attention. This went on and on until my brother moved out aged 13/14 to live with my grandparents who both of us have a great relationship with.
The way her episodes work is that she shouts at the top of her lungs, gets all in your face, puts you down and calls you names, and then leaves to her room and doesn't talk to you for weeks on end. It doesn't sound too bad, but as a child this was devastating. I remember during one of these ignoring periods she was drunk in the living room, and in my bedroom I yelped because I saw something scary online (lol) and she came in and soothed me, but in the morning she was sober and had forgotten all about it, and was back to ignoring me. I felt crushed, I just wanted a mum who would love me.
After my brother moved out she would still have explosive instances at my dad and I, but they were less targeted so everything would cool off in a week or two. As I got older, there were more things I did that would bother her - "you don't wash up", "you don't clean the house", "you don't tell me where you're going" which are all normal complaints to have about your teenager, but to her it was almost a personal attack if I didn't do what she wanted. All of this nitpicking and walking on eggshells made me a very quiet and drawn in teenager and I became very closed off to her and her side of the family and very close to my paternal grandmother, who was always there for me when my mum would shout and always made effort to see me and get close to me as a child. At family dinners she would pretend she loves and adores her children, but in private she gets on at us for anything.
It really upsets her that I'm so close to my dad and grandmother to the point where my dad only talks to me properly (when she's home) when she's in the shower. He is straight up frightened of her. One time, it got so bad that she left to her friend's house for a week, and my dad and I had a great time at home. I made dinner for us, we could laugh and joke freely, and the flat had a really relaxed atmosphere. Because of this, we've had talks together about moving out, but the financial strain would be very hard on my dad so we're not entirely sure it's possible.
Right now I'm probably in the worst of her episodes ever. A few weeks ago she came into my room and tried to have a go at me for washing up my dishes, but not her bowl that she had put in the sink (bearing mind this is what she does - she literally takes my dishes out of the sink, washes hers, and then puts mine back. I really didn't think I was in the wrong for not washing one (1) bowl). At this point I had had enough and I snapped back this time. I said that I'm too old for her to talk to me like this, that it is ridiculous that she gets so upset about tiny things, that I think she needs help, that I don't think she loves anyone but herself, etc. I was harsh but this has built up for 20 years.
The real kicker was that I said to her "for my whole life you have made me feel that if I upset someone, they're going to ignore me. I was on eggshells with everyone because of you" and she really said "when have I ever done that?" And she's currently doing that now - upset with me and ignoring me.
It went on like this for a couple of weeks until she got fed up of having to avoid me (as she always does, when I was younger I would just have to wait until she would let me come and apologise) and she came into my room and said "do you want to talk and sort this out?" I froze up and just said "no" - literally the only word I said. She's kind of scary, she didn't say it in a nice and inviting way, she was frowning and said it as if she was rolling her eyes.
Up until this point my dad and I were actually seriously thinking of moving out. I'd been trying to arrange viewings with estate agents. But after this, she must've spoken to him because he came into my room and told me to just make peace. He says she "understands now" and to "give her another chance" because "this won't happen again." This makes me distraught; I thought we were so close to getting out and he's back to being manipulated. I /know/ she will do this again. I feel like I'm being made to feel guilty for the fact that she's depressed, but she's a grown adult and it's her responsibility to take herself to therapy if she needs it.
What he doesn't know is that even when things are "fine" they're not really - she makes snarky comments, doesn't bother to talk to me when she comes home, says I'm bummy and do nothing with my time. This is all so passive aggressive that if I said "don't talk to me like that" she would go "like what? I'm not being rude"
She's angry that I won't apologise and talk things out. Instead of ghosting me, now she's going out of her way to get in mine. She washes up when I'm in the shower to make it go cold, cancels everything she does that makes me happy (which isn't much - just the netflix and my gym membership) and lies to my dad about things that I've said (he knows this). You'd think I'm a child being disciplined - I'm 20. I'm too old for this.
I'm so stuck because I don't know what to do. I don't have the means to move on my own and my dad and I don't want to leave here because this is our home - my uni isn't far away, my boyfriend lives down the street, and I've been in this area since I was a baby. She has always complained that the flat is "not her home" so the best case scenario is she would leave, but my dad said she won't when she's in this depressed state.
Should I apologise? At first, when she was ignoring me, I felt so much happier. She wouldn't make snarky comments, she couldn't get on my back anymore. I felt like I was getting some confidence. But now she's putting herself in my way and carries her doom and gloom into my personal space it's just making me sad to be reminded of her rejection.
This is a lose lose. I move in with my grandma, and I'm hours away from my school, my boyfriend, and my father (the things that make me happy). I apologise and continue to be a doormat but hope it gets easier. I don't apologise, have a sense of dignity but put up with major crap.
Which one is the best case scenario?
TLDR; finally stood up to a mother that has shat on me my whole life, now she's making it hard for me to just stay out of her way. What should I do?
Submitted September 04, 2019 at 01:37AM by fjnvkvkrmdmfk https://ift.tt/2MTzsRR
No comments:
Post a Comment