A few years ago, I had a crush on this guy Kenneth at my old job. But I didn't do anything about it, because he was married, and had 2 kids. I slowly distanced myself from him because of it. He seemed hurt by that, saying he missed our friendship, and I brushed stuff off as me just being busy.
When I left that job, Kenneth got back in touch with me and invited me out to lunch to catch up. And I went even though I had a weird feeling about it all. Over lunch he told me that he had feelings for me, and he hadn't said anything when we'd been working together but now that we weren't, nothing was holding him back.
I was like "wtf what about your wife" and he told me his marriage was on the rocks, they were only together for the kids, they were basically like roommates who got on each other's nerves.
I told him that despite all that, I wasn't getting involved with someone married. I had feelings for him too, but I just didn't want to get involved in a messy situation. If he wasn't happy in his marriage, he'd have to choose to leave, rather than playing house with his wife and having a relationship on the side.
We kept talking after that, talking about dating after he'd gotten a divorce, getting to know each other, etc. I justified it to myself at the time that we were just talking, nothing physical, but looking back I do feel gross for even having talked in that way to a married man.
He actually did go through with the divorce, I didn't know too many details about it because I didn't want to know. I told him that anything between him and his ex wife was not my business. But looking back, I honestly think I was feeling ashamed I was involved in this divorce. And that's why I always said that their business is not my business.
What I do know, from little comments Kenneth has made, was that it was ugly. It was definitely very drawn out, lasting over a year. And it was just finalized a few months ago.
I guess I'd always thought that once he was single, I could start dating him with a clear conscience but honestly that hasn't been the case. I've started feeling very uncomfortable knowing that even before he left his ex wife, he was setting up a new relationship with me. I feel guilty about how taken aback she must have been. And maybe this is selfish, but I feel like if he was setting up a new relationship behind his ex wife's back, he might end up doing the same to me and springing a breakup on me totally out of the blue one day. I think I'll always be a little paranoid that the rug will be pulled out from under me like that.
On top of all that, actually dating Kenneth is not what I imagined. I think that I'd hyped things up in my head for a very long time, years, fantasizing about being able to be together. But now that it's happening, it's not what I imagined.
He wants me to be integrated into his family life more than I'm comfortable with, so soon on. I'm honestly very awkward around kids at the best of times, and I can tell his kids have been through a lot of turmoil recently, and don't care to have a new woman around. I don't think Kenneth handled things with them well at all, he seemed to want to rush things. I'd rather have way more one on one time with him, and he'd prefer way more family time.
Kenneth and I also always talked about traveling together, travel is very important to me. But whenever I try to make plans, he's got reasons to not go, like his kids (even though he's only got partial custody) or his job (even though he's got time off) or money (even though he's well off). I feel like he's falling through on his promises.
And I don't want to get all TMI here ... But the intimacy isn't great. We just don't really vibe.
So, I've been pulling back slowly, not really deliberately at first, I just stopped enjoying the time spent with him, and started feeling irritated when he texted or called. And he noticed, and wanted to have a talk with me. He told me that he could see things had changed between us, and asked why. I was honest about my misgivings, having been uncomfortable with how things went when he was married, not wanting to rush the family stuff, feeling let down that travel wasn't happening. And he told me that we'd find a way to make it work. We'd have to, because he left his marriage for me even though he had a good thing going, with his family life at least. And he'd sacrificed a lot to he with me. And I didn't know how bad the divorce was on him because I refused to talk about it, but he'd done more than I know to make things work with me. He'd said some of this stuff before too, about how much he upturned his life to be with me.
I suggested we take things slower than we have been. To see if we could feel out something that works for both of us, without rushing into anything. Take sexual stuff slower too, to figure out what each other likes.
And he wasn't happy with that suggestion, he was basically saying that in his experience, a girl stepping back from a relationship like that, slowing things down, usually happens when she's easing into a breakup. And he went back to telling me how much he'd sacrificed to get together with me, how it hurt that I wasn't talking things as seriously as he was.
And leaving that conversation, I realized the biggest reason I've been staying involved with him is guilt.
I don't know if this will pass, and we can make things work. Or of I should call things off, even though I'll feel really guilty for uprooting his life and then walking away. Should I give this relationship a chance?
tl;dr: He left his ex-wife for me. Our relationship isn't really working. I think I'm mainly staying because I feel guilty.
Submitted May 01, 2019 at 08:54AM by coleemansc http://bit.ly/2DHpiO1
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