TL;DR: We both have issues with "our drugs". Had a chat with him and he proposed a ”trade", as per my post title.
Lots of text ahead because I need to represent the both of us fairly.
He does E 1-2 times a year at raves. (Edit for emphasis: He is not an addict.)
I take Xanax (0.5mg) at most once a week for sleeping problems.
I've been depressed ever since I can remember. I started therapy and medication since my first suicide attempt in 2011 and have had a further 2 attempts since then, with the most recent one being mid-2018.
He has been doing E prolly since he was in his 20s, at parties and raves. In his words, it's his form of a release. And also reward.
I gave up antidepressants when I started dating him - admittedly it was a very stupid reason - because he doesn't believe in psychiatric medication as well as physiological depression (meaning he doesn't believe that inherently my chemicals are off balance and it's a matter of "the power of the mind"). I started antidepressants again after my 3rd suicide attempt but went off again for a multitude of reasons, one of it being his disapproval. However I must add that he saw the psychiatrist with me and accepted that antidepressants is something I needed, at least temporarily. As part of my therapy I am also given Xanax but in controlled amounts because of my history.
I used to take it for panic attacks, but mostly now it is for sleep. I have trouble sleeping and staying asleep - I usually wake up at least once during the night, and mostly I am up by 10am regardless of what time I sleep. On bad days I wake up 2-3 times a night and sometimes take an hour to go back to bed. I have other methods for sleeping, such as meditation, chamomile tea, essential oils, natural supplements. But sometimes I need a "reset" because I've gone too long without quality sleep and it starts to affect me physically (headaches, back aches) and mentally (unable to focus, exacerbates my depression). And yes, my sleep problems are mostly caused by anxiety (from the rship, family, work, everything basically).
Now, our relationship has its fair share of problems but the issue of drugs has been the main one that we haven't been able to address.
Now he is suggesting a compromise: that he will give up E if I give up Xanax.
My knee-jerk reaction is that, we take drugs for very different reasons. My quality of life would reduce if I don't have an option for the reset. However of course I don't want to be dependent on it for the rest of my life so I'd be happy to consider it, and if I can sleep without it that would be great. And I will not consider drug alternatives like weed. I have an addictive personality too (another reason to give up Xanax), so if I'm gonna cut one drug out I'm not going to take up another one for the risk of psychological addiction.
His POV is that we are both giving up things that are important to us so that's a fair trade and I think I can understand where he is coming from.
But I'm still not 100% sure. I'm not sure if this is a good/healthy way for either of us to give up our drugs.
So...thoughts? I would also request that you guys consider this from a relationship POV rather than who is right about whose drugs. If from a relationship standpoint we can't reach a respectful compromise I am willing to walk away from this relationship. Thank you!
Edit: We have been together 1 year. He has only "witnessed" my suicide attempt once. The other two were a long time ago before we knew each other.
Edit 2: To be very clear, my Xanax is prescribed by a psychiatrist who dispenses it in controlled amounts. I do not obtain extra doses illegally anywhere else. If I run out of Xanax, I'll have to go back to my psychiatrist who will know I am taking more than I should (once a week) and presumably will give me shit for it but that's never happened because I try my best not to take it and sometimes cut the pill in half if I don't think I need a full dose.
Edit 3, to add on his POV: All 3 of my attempts were from overdoses. That's why Xanax scares him too.
Submitted December 30, 2018 at 06:44AM by tenshizuka http://bit.ly/2RmT02P
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