My (30F) sister (27F) had been my mom's (48F) caretaker, but has now moved to another state. I don't know what my responsibility is

I've been living in Australia for the past 7 years after moving for work and then meeting my now husband. We have a 2 year old daughter and I'm also pregnant with our second, due very soon in January! My sister and I had a very abnormal at times abusive childhood (can elaborate more if needed, will just say crime-involved father and enabling mother for now). I'm not in touch with any family but sister, that's how I've gotten free. I've made a good life for myself considering what I started with.

So back when my sister and I were both in college, my mom injured her back and is now chronically disabled. She uses a wheelchair, sometimes can't use the toilet or bathe without assistance, and can't do basic things. We were both living at home already, so we both took care of her while in school without too much difficulty. But then I left for the job offer, leaving sister with her alone. (My sister really encouraged me to go, we agreed we'd all be better off with me sending money back home each month).

This would have worked out better for sister if mom had not had some kind of psychotic break. She'd always been emotionally unstable and believed some crazy shit, but this was another level. She ended up diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. When she's not medicated (which is often, as she refuses to take her meds unless sister makes her) she's basically a raving lunatic. And the maturity of a 5 year old. She'd possibly even be dangerous if she wasn't confined to a wheelchair. So my sister had to deal with that by herself on top of the physical disability. She had to deal with all the doctor appointments, medication trials, finances and medicaid, and daily tasks that were 10 times harder than before my mom got like this. The money I was sending covered their basic cost of living expenses, but wasn't and still isn't nearly enough to cover all the psychological and medical care she theoretically needs.

My sister wasn't able to apply for grad school because of this. She worked when she could, eventually picking up a second job just to get out of the apartment more. She often told me how lonely and exhausted she was. It was like she became the mom. She also told me our mom had a tendency to be verbally abusive. I've returned home for a month at a time every year since then to help give my sister a break.

Now at present, my sister had not replied to my texts since Christmas. That's unusual for her, and then today, I saw pictures she was tagged in on facebook in NYC. She hadn't mentioned anything about going there so I called her. Have been calling since yesterday until she finally answered tonight. After a long conversation I found out that she's not visiting NYC, she's actually moved there from our home state of Maine. I don't know when (if??) she was planning to tell me. She's had a couple online friends for a few years since she was barely able to have a real social life (I knew about them) and they encouraged her to escape and come live with them.

She told me these girls are just like she was expecting, no "surprise it's a 60 year old dude" or anything. She has a job through one of her friends already and is looking for a second.

Of course I asked what about mom. Sister told me she was afraid I would judge her. She started crying over the phone and said that mom's verbal abuse had gotten worse to the point she was accusing my sister of trying to poison her, and believed my sister caused the injury that left her disabled by pushing her down the stairs. She said me and my sister deserved it when our father beat us as children. On the day my sister left, my mom had FLUNG SHIT at her after using the toilet. Sister said her "mind just shut down" and she called her NYC friend asking if she could move in, then left literally an hour later by bus.

She said "I cannot waste the rest of my 20s like this, I will go as insane as her." She wants to have friends and boyfriends, have fun partying for a bit and then eventually do her masters. Her dream program is at a school in NYC. She wants to have her own family one day. We had a long heart to heart where she told me everything she wants for her future.

She also said she'd never told me but she was angry sometimes that I got away before mom went psycho and got to make my own life. I feel really guilty about that. I could, and should, have been there for her more. I want nothing to do with either of our parents for different reasons each, but I love her, she'll always be in my life. I wish I had done a better job of being in hers.

We circled back to the question of what to do about mom as she doesn't have any friends, or family (she's estranged from her family, we've never met any of them).

So I don't know. She insisted on visiting our dad in prison every month which my sister hated having to bring her to, maybe when he gets out next year he can deal with it. Or the state can. Either way I need to arrange it because sister said she's a hundred percent done and will never have anything to do with her again. I told her that's okay because she's done most of it for the last 7 years so this is the least I can do now.

How badly did I fuck up? I can be oblivious to what other people are struggling with sometimes. My husband said my sister was probably downplaying how bad it was over the years because she loved me and wanted me to stay with my family. At the cost of her own well-being? I feel very selfish.

What should I do about our mom? I'm on the literal other side of the planet with a baby coming in two weeks.

There is probably a lot of detail and background I left out, and this is already too long. Ask if anything is confusing.

TL;DR: I'm in Australia and my sister is in the US. What can I do about our physically and mentally disabled, sometimes abusive mother who she's unable to deal with anymore as a caregiver?

Submitted December 30, 2018 at 08:51PM by ProfessionalTip8 http://bit.ly/2RnOPUt