I don't know what to do next with my [29F] husband [28M], I love him but I know I can't stay stagnate.

I apologize in advance for the length of this post or if it bounces a lot and covers about three years worth of time. I have never written this much and I feel a bit silly and resentful but I am at the point where I'm not really sure what route to go or where to turn next. Throw away account for obvious reasons.

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I have been with my husband for a little over 6 years now, engaged for 3 years, and we were recently married this year. My husband Hunter and I met in college and from the beginning, it just felt right. I was able to openly acknowledge my insecurities and he never made me feel silly for them, and from very early on we were able to openly talk about things instead of heading straight to arguments. We also both came from pasts that are both a little more traumatic, so finding someone who not only understood anxiety and coping mechanisms but helped me learn tools to get through mine seemed like a godsend to both of us. I finally felt like I had a true partner in a person, someone who I could lean on when I felt overwhelmed or even wanted to ask advice. I also helped Hunter with a lot of the things that gave him bad anxiety or panic attacks and helped him with anything that tended to overwhelm him or make him feel anxious. The way I saw it, we both helped each other with our strengths and weaknesses because I knew he does the same for me. We talked about long-term goals, the way we viewed the world, parenting, humanity, you name it we discussed it. It was our alignment in goals that really made me fall in love with him.

Fast forward to graduation, we decide to move to Hunter’s hometown in with his parents to save. Hunter had a very tight-knit friend group he had grown up with who came to visit us in college all the time so it was established for both of us. Plus his parents were big and open and accepting, and had nothing but love and support for Hunter and I. Of course, as moving in with any family that isn't your own, there were some immediate tensions, but what I began to notice the most was the change in Hunter and his family dynamics. How he interacted with his friends and hobbies is what I began to notice first. Hunter would only hang out with friends if they came over to our house, isolating him in our room where our computer was and just constantly play video games. Our friends even began hitting me up when they wanted to hang out with both of us or have game nights with the whole gang because “we know he just won't text back.” Hunter would come to bed late and any plans outside of the house seemed to make him very anxious. Right after graduating I was able to get a job after about three weeks of looking. Hunter became withdrawn and sullen, often being upset if I bought things or paid for going out, using that as the main reason why we stayed home all the time. Even after helping him with a resume and getting him a job after nine months of looking, he would confide in me how it made him feel self-conscience like he wasn't providing because I made more money. How it made him feel like less of a man. I tried to tell him that was never what I had wanted in a partner at all. That I have always been more than capable to take care of myself, and money was not why I fell in love with him. Things like his art was. He would take this as an attack because he hadn’t been painting and become very self-deprecating. If I addressed these problems and the walking on eggshell feeling I got because of his responses, he would fall farther into self-deprecation and withdraw for weeks at a time for treating me so poorly. It made it really hard to start bringing up things to him simply because I hate seeing him go to such a dark place.

Hunter began to maybe eat one meal a day, if he remembered, and not until later in the evening. I begged him to go to counseling to address his problems he was repressing and talked about the tools it gave me. However, he rejected this due to all the forced counseling that didn't help when he was a child. He began to talk poorly of his appearance and lost interest in sex. This was a hard one for me because I have a very high libido. For about the first 8 months of our relationship, we had sex 2-3 a day on average. Even 2 years into the relationship we still had it every day. It just began to feel like I would beg him to take care of himself, to feed himself properly or maybe go see a doctor; to which he almost always reacted poorly to. When I suggested it may be depression he would shut down, and later I would see him talking with his dad for hours and resulting in him crying and hugging his dad. He often would blame them on the anxiety he had from living in the home we grew up in. When I asked him to move out with me, Hunter brought this up to his parents who then reacted poorly. His dad asked him if we thought we were being chased out, his mother talked about how much it has been helping her having us there, and they both asked us to stay longer. Hunter also confided in me that one of the reasons he wanted to stay was to save up for a ring for me, so we decided to stay.

Around the time family tension was starting to get high in the household, Hunter’s dad starting missing a lot of work and was getting sick. I had just gotten a new job that was full time with benefits to try to repair our cars and save for the down payment, and Hunter had decided to try to move up as a lead through his work, but leaving seemed hard because his mom needed a lot of help while his dad was sick and not working. After a few months of testing, we found out that my FIL had cancer, and about three weeks after that my FIL passed away from a very aggressive strain. Hunter was broken. He had an amazing manager who allowed him to take two months leave to grieve and be with family during hospice time, but what this meant is I ended up juggling all our responsibilities while trying to learn a new and demanding job. When Hutner did go back to work he began calling off work constantly, and soon the dream of moving out seemed farther away. I ended up confronting him, telling him he needed to go to grief counseling because I couldn’t be both his fiance and his counselor, and the amount that he was leaning on me crushed me. I feel horrible because he instantly felt attacked and began sobbing and telling me I didn’t support him or understand what he was going through, and of course, a bunch of grief boiled over. He told me he needed more patience and understanding about his anxiety. I asked him to move out with me because living here was too toxic for his mental health and he agreed.

After about a few months in our apartment we began to fight a lot. Arguing about small stuff every few weeks about simple conflict. Anytime I would address frustrations I would be having he would become extremely self deprecating, talking about how I shouldnt be marrying him and how he would understand if I wanted to leave him. He would have horrible anxiety every morning before we left for work, leaving me at high stress levels going into my work day, just to receive “I’m so sorry for my anxiety this morning baby. Thank you for holding me up. I can’t wait to come home to you and hold you.”. Then I would come home to him playing endless hours on video games with him wanting me to sit behind him to keep him company. I told him that I would need him to start attending counseling because he had promised me he would and he still hadn’t (it had been 8 months since his dad passing). We just argued in circles until more often than not he would end up breaking down on me about grief with his father and I would end up holding him all night trying to help him be okay for the next day of work. He began to call out of work sick whenever he had anxiety attacks in the mornings, to the point where he would be puking and sweating and tearing up until he called off and then spend the whole day playing video games. He ran out of all his sick and PTO, and then his manager ended up writing him up for it. I confronted him about finances, how he had people that relied on him and animals, and how he could absolutely not lose his job. How he left me alone with all of our long term planning, how he holds me to an unrealistic standard with what he thinks I should be able to handle. He ended up setting up counseling after that discussion with my help with me also agreeing to set up my own sessions, because we both agreed that my bad coping mechanisms were setting off his anxiety and making it hard to communicate.

After about nine sessions over about 6 months Hunter comes home one day and happily announced that his counselor had told him he graduated, and that he couldn’t give him any more tools than he had. I was excited for him but it felt a bit off. Every counselor I’ve had has told me that it’s always going to be ongoing, that sometimes you would need counseling more and sometimes less. At this point he hasn’t helped with a single aspect of wedding planning, and when I bring it up that the wedding is due in six months with nothing done he goes into a cycle of self deprecation. He also opened up to me about having nightmares all the time about death, because since his dad died it was one of his deep seeded fears that actually came true. He was starting to call out of his new job with my company all the time again, and accused me of only caring about work and putting my energy there. I agreed with my part in this because I definitely was diverting a lot of my energy towards work and not Hunter, but I was also frustrated because he seemed to show no drive. Despite how he reacted I told him about how him missing work hurt his job and could be jeopardizing mine. This made Hunter break down crying and saying he can't respond when I attack him, and that he needs more patience from me. I took a couple steps back and we talk it out some more, and realize that both of us were just feeling a lack of attention and love. He admits that the holidays and not having his dad are what is starting this flare up of depression and anxiety I told him that I was having a hard time trust him because he had made me these same promises before, but he swore up and down to earn my trust again.After about a month we moved into a house and Hunter ended up getting me the puppy I had always talked about. It seemed like we were on the right path again, at least for a little while. I think the puppy may have been a bit of a distraction for me though, because this happy spot didn't last long.

Quickly things began to devolve with the puppy. Hunter didn’t have to do much with our rescue because I worked on her aggression issues, but otherwise she was pretty much trained at 4. With the new puppy Hunter did not help walk him, pick up poop, feed him, or give any kind of training or positive reinforcement whatsoever. He would tell me how when I got him I knew it was my puppy (though when I agreed I honestly had though he more meant he would look to me as his person since our other dog looks to Hunter for that). I end up breaking down and tell Hutner we need to rehome him then because we are not being a good home to him and he deserves more. Hunter backs up and says absolutely not, and promises to run him every other day to be able to keep him. I asked about paid training and he said no (too expensive) and I asked to buy a treadmill to train him to run but that was no as well (no point in buying a treadmill just for a dog). But weeks go by and Hunter doesn’t run the dog, and if I remotely suggest rehoming him he breaks down in tears. Instead, I just find myself kind of stuck in the same spot.

I remember the night I came home from work a bit late and just wanting to sit down. I asked Hunter for help with dinner and he got frustrated because if he didn't get his decompression time. I then found out the puppy (6 months old now) was downstairs in his kennel crying and he had him in there because he didn't trust him while he was gaming. It meant that he had been in there for almost 11 hours apart from being let out to pee when Hunter had gotten home. Hunter had also texted and canceled game night with our friends that night, also canceling on babysitting our niece the previous weekend. Hunter had almost forgotten to feed our animals (we have three kitties and two dogs at this point). I sat down and pulled up my spreadsheet of the bills, realized I missed a few that day, and felt something inside me just give.

Without Hunter even seeing me get up from the same room, I went out to my car and called my best friend Maddie and just cried to her on the phone about everything. It felt a bit scary to do that because everyone always talks about how perfect we are, and when I have brought up frustrations in the past I am often dismissed because “but Hunter is so amazing, you can work past this!” or “at least you have a man who feels emotion!” from family and coworkers, but she was so supportive. She just gave me her love but was firm. She said that our wedding was 3 months away and he still hadn’t put a drop of work into it, and it was unfair to put everything on me like that and use something like he did the laundry against me in retaliation. She told me I needed to be firm with him that I needed change, or she didn’t think I should go through with the wedding. It was another scary conversation coming inside with Hunter. I had to be careful with my words, make sure to put it all on myself and how I was feeling so he didn’t feel attacked. I laid out with what I needed, and how hard it was to share because of how horribly self-deprecating he can be, and how I just needed him to really listen. How drained I was, how he needed to see what I was doing instead of what I wasn’t doing all the time, and how I needed him to step up to help with the wedding or it wasn’t going to happen. He had an instant panic and started crying and said he would do whatever it took. He promised to help with meals, wedding planning, to call his counselor and set appointments, and to read the love language book I had been asking him to. He swore up and down, but I was firm. I said you have promised this to me twice before now and I no longer trusted him. He said that hurt him deeply but that he would show me with his actions.

The next few days after were almost worse than before, he went into a horrible downswing telling me he thought I had already made up my mind to leave him so why try. I got angry with this (I probably shouldn't have looking back since it was definitely depression) and told him that if I had my mind made up why would I still be here? He was up and down for the next few weeks, and still didn't reach out to friends or a counselor. He also became uncomfortable about me texting or talking to Maddie, saying he felt weird about how I had confided in her but that he would get over it because he knew it was ridiculous. Still, I did feel guilty because I’m sure now he felt on display. I felt myself slide into a bit of a funk, and stopped texting back most of our friends.

Hunter and I have mutual friends from college, but at this point Hunter’s friend group from growing up were now some of my closest friends as well besides Maddie. Two friends specifically from the group, Henry and Ryan, had gotten to know me one on one and often hung out with me on my days off, sometimes with Hunter and sometimes without. The two of them were always in attendance for our gamenights, had been there for us every step of the way when Hunter’s dad died, and are just genuinely good people. I love the friendship i have with them, and they have even said they consider me a close friend seperate from Hunter. It’s a weekday I have off from work and Ryan ends up wanting to grab lunch with me and I agree. He comes over and ends up being blunt to the point. He asks me what is going on with Hunter, because he feels like something is just wrong. Ryan stated that it was at the point where he felt Hunter no longer cared to even text him back, even when he asked to just talk, and he is frustrated because at this point he feels like Hutner hasn’t put effort into their relationship for years. And that Ryan spends most of his night interacting with me while Hutner zones out on his phone or plays video games. Ryan apologized for dumping this on me so suddenly, but that he didn’t know what else to do and didn’t want to lose his close friendship he had with Hunter. I end up just breaking down after all this on Ryan, and end up opening up after the night when I called Maddie and our conversation, including about how I had told Hunter I expected change or no wedding. Ryan just listened, and when I apologized he said no need to because he was my friend too. Ryan told me he felt like a piece of Hunter left with his dad (part of me thinks that Hunter’s dad became his only outlet for depression/anxiety), but that he would be here to support Hunter and I as much as he could.

Ryan started taking Hunter outdoors on weekends and opened up to him about his anxiety and family stuff, and about his hurt with Hutner withdrawing. Ryan talked to Hunter about needing to reach out for help, and Hunter seemed very thankful and open to Ryan. Ryan and Henry began taking him up shooting and hiking, and then on weekend both guys would come over and offer to help wedding plan. I mean I can’t talk enough about those two, every time I think about it I feel like crying. We started seeing our friends three or four times a week, and I even started getting one on one time with MAddie again, and Hunter would hang out with his friends without me being there (for a long time he wouldn't go if I didn’t, had me set up all plans to hang out, would be upset if I wanted to go hang out if he wanted to stay because he was feeling anxious). With such an amazing support system I felt confident going forward with the wedding, and it was beautiful (though extremely stressful) with the plan to have our honeymoon this upcoming march.

Right after the wedding things started to go very well with my work, and my manager asked me to apply for a higher up leadership position underneath him. I was thrilled because this was an at minimum $20 raise and it would mean huge things as far as our dreams for a home went. I talked with Hunter, letting him know that if I did this I would need to ask a bit extra of him than I already had, let help making lunches and with the animals and doing dinner, because I would need to spend some time at home working on work. He accused me of neglecting him and leaving him to his anxiety while I focussed on work, and told me how hard his mornings had been. I admit on my part that I left Hunter feeling completely unloved since his love language was acts of service, so over the next few weeks I became antisocial as I caught the house back up, just feeling horrible for how much I had put on him. Hunter told me that I hold old things above his head all the time, and that he can never move forward because once he messes up I bring up how he has messed up in the past too. I know that he must be right and there is resentment I hadn’t been letting go of, so I promised to try to give him a fresh start and let go.

The hardest thing for me for me to talk about quickly became sex. Touch, hugging, cuddling, and sex are all extremely important to me. We were at the point where if I had sex, it would be once a week on the weekend (so he wouldn't be anxious), and often lasting no more than 5 minutes total with foreplay. It is a very sensitive subject to bring up with him. He takes it as an attack on his masculinity, and has often told me how hard it is for him as a man to have me have a stronger libito. He often sounds almost bitter when we talk about it. I tried buying a vibrator that was for both of us and we used it once, I tried showing him more foreplay I liked (taken poorly like I didn't like what he normally did) and would talk of his embarrassment of how long he lasted. He was very rarely in the mood, and to top it off it made him feel like he isn't satisfying me or that he wasn’t a good partner, and so “even though I know it’s totally unfair of me to ask” he isn’t comfortable with me mastrubating. I asked him ways to maybe be more desirable, but it doesn’t matter what suggestions I take, he doesn’t seem interested in me. We started sleeping with two blankets because he says he sleeps better that way, and brushed me off when I said it's hard for me to sleep not touching him. I caught myself feeling like if I didn’t clean enough on the weekends or when he was cleaning I might not get sex once a week.

I ended up falling into a depressive funk, I completely stopped messaging friends back, shut my mind off watching endless TV with Hunter and home, and starting canceling a lot of plans. I always had good reason, just never ending busy with the home. I would make plans with Maddie to just cancel them last minute because Hunter would be having a spell of grief or frustrated with the state of our home. It seemed like our home was just always messy now, and filling with hoarding type rooms again. Hunter would ask to play videogames and have me clean as acts of service for him, which escalated because it then became “how can I be in the mood for physical touch if my love tank is empty?”. There would even be days where I would spend the whole day cleaning and he would inform me it didn't do anything for his love tank because it wasn’t cleaned in a way he usually does so it amped his anxiety. Every morning before work I started having to make sure lights were on in the house so he wasn’t too anxious to go to work. He started calling off of work again, especially if I had the day off or if I called out sick (he would say he had the same thing as me) and his anxiety started ramping to puking again. I suggested medication, he says it makes him numb. I ask about counseling and he gets self deprecating, saying he promises to look up counselors for us soon (he asked to pick it, he didn't want to use my counselor I already had for marriage counseloing because he didn’t want the counselor to be biased and he didn't want to use his old counselor).

I didn’t end up getting the job but I apply to be part of this accelerated leadership program within my company, and start to feel a bit more on track but definitely defeated. At some point I notice my mind is just racing all the time.Just constantly bouncing with what I have to do, at home I’m thinking about work and at work I’m thinking about home. My brain just went into the autopilot with the racing and I sank into a depression. I realized I was in one when I had a moment on the freeway when I looked at the car next to me and thought how much easier it would be to just get into a car accident and spend the next few weeks recovering in a hospital. I sharply woke up at that thought, and when I got home I stayed in the car for about an hour and just cried.

Hunter texted me asking me if I was okay but never came outside, and eventually I came in and told him how overwhelmed I was. How I absolutely needed him to take over on our house duties, that I needed his help. I told him about my depressive thought on the freeway and he broke down crying. He told me how that was his worst fear, how he absolutely couldn’t go on without me. That he would do whatever I needed, whatever it took, to help me come back from what I was going through. He said he would call my counselor and help me make an email to him since for some reason I was having a hard time doing that, and he would also help me call back family and text back friends for me as well. It was a huge breath of relief, but I was very hesitant. I told him again that we have been through this, and I was going to make a list (even though he hates using lists and calendars) of the things I needed him to take over. It was bills, meal planning, and animals. I also had him write down the three things he does right now already so I can make sure I appreciate him for those. We created a schedule for the pets, and I created an excel that had a list of every bill, where the payments were and how to make them. Hunter also stepped up with trying to address my love language, and gave me lots of massages and cuddled me in bed (he even didn’t sleep with the separate blankets). It was during the time of Thanksgiving, and it felt nice to just shut my brain off and let Hunter take care of things. At least until I asked Hunter if he had a chance to call my councelor, because otherwisI brought it up he told me after a few weeks that he had kind of shut off and gone into coping because what I had told him had made him so anxious. I silently started paying bills once I saw one of the accounts was negative just because funds weren’t put in there. I felt too guilty to ask him to do it again because I felt like I had guilted him before. Also I think another part of me didn't trust him with it.

We had our friends over for Thanksgiving to celebrate and with board games, and I ended up cooking dinner in the kitchen while Hunter, his brother and sister, Ryan, and Henry were in the living room watching TV. After a little while Henry comes into the kitchen and just started going to work for me without me needing to ask anything. Henry has always been this way, even in college. He is extremely genuine, and probably has become one of my closest friends. He ends up spending the evening helping me cook the turkey and potatoes while Hunter was gaming with a group of friends in the living room, we end up getting a bit high together and sit on the floor giggling while we watch it cooking. We just start talking about nothing, hanging out and teasing each other. As we giggle on the floor I just feel a sudden pain. Just this ping of loneliness and hurt. I must have had a look cross my face because Henry looked at me and asked me if I was okay, and in that moment I felt like just throwing myself onto him and crying. But I couldn't. He was Hunter’s best man, a close friend to both of us. I couldn’t put him in the middle, I couldn’t spill on him like that even though I wanted to. So I didn’t, and instead told him I was just stoned and he may have to finish cooking.

Leading up to Christmas and I am figuring out gifts. Bills were getting caught up, and though the house was still trashed I was getting better at mentally managing it. I noticed Hunter had been getting increasingly anxious again, but I just have felt too tired to help pull him out of it like I usually do. About a week before Christmas Hunter is upset (I forget how it even came up to be honest) and tells me that I have still been giving all my mental space to work and he needed more help with home, that I rarely did dishes or laundry, and how unloved he was feeling. I felt like laughing.

I feel horrible now because it was obvious resentment, but I end up snapping at him and asking him if he wanted to know how my day goes. It went something along the lines of “get up, let dogs out, make sure lights are on in house for Hunter so he doesnt get anxious, let dogs back in and feed them, go find my work clothes, if Hunter is anxious see if you can get him to eat and make him a coffee, go start cars for both of us, if it’s trash day put trash out and collect in house, pack myself a lunch and Hunter if he hasn’t left for work yet, do my job until lunch, on lunch I paid x and y bill, then more work, then on the way home I paid rent, then I came home and was so anxious when I saw you had gotten home before me so I couldnt start cleaning (he started tearing up at this point) and then I came in to start dinner while thinking about how I need to get new tires and change the oil of my car and fix the furnace that is leaking downstairs before the food down there goes bad and also I need to buy the remaining five presents.” we sat in silence, and he just looked at me with what felt like hurt and hate. I instantly felt horrible, I don’t know what came over me. I tried to apologize but he got weird, staying quiet and then telling me how he would be a better partner. How he would take over on more and show me. How he knew that he has let me down in the past, but how he would step up now. I was quiet. I wanted to make sure I processed, that I didn’t react with too much emotion so I wouldn’t be dismissed. I told him that I am sorry if what I was about to say hurt him, but that he had said that to me before. That he had promised things to me when I was at my lowest a few weeks ago, and that he let me down. He started crying and got defensive, told me how he had thought he had done well but he guessed not. How he held me when my mind was racing, and how he loved on me in my love language, but he understood and he would prove me wrong. I didn't have anything to say back to that so I just didn’t really, and I told him I just felt alone. This is three days before Christmas. I feel like crap even writing down how I handled that situation…

Over the last weekend and then up until Christmas Hunter did start putting in a lot of effort, at least around the house. However, it feels different now. Hunter has his brother help him sort all the food downstairs and clean up the leak by the furnace, but does it as a surprise. I come home from work and Hunter is noticeably anxious and acting oddly, I try to relax and sit down and suggest the three of us watch netflix. After a little while Hunter’s brother tells me I should go look downstairs. I go down and see all that’s down, but instead of feeling relieved I just feel odd. I don’t know why, but I just had this weird feeling. I make sure to go up and thank Hunter for all he did, and he looked sheepish and proud. I just felt tired. That night Hunter wanted to be sexual with me, and I actually ended up not being in the mood. He ended up going back upstairs and playing video games after kissing me on the forehead.

Christmas Eve was planned to be with Hunter, his brother and sister, Henry, and Ryan all staying the night. That night Hunter’s brother pulled him aside and started to talk to him about his divorce he is going through, and started to give Hunter weird advice about marriage and what to watch out for while I was obviously within earshot in the kitchen cooking. He began lecturing Hunter for our shared finances, and how Hunter needed to be careful of codependent partners.I started feeling angry but continued to cook in the kitchen, knowing that adding to the flame would make it worse. Hunter made a sound that was kind of sounding agreement but not really investing. While this was happening Henry came into the kitchen after being in the bathroom and paused. He looked at me and said “throwaway, I’m really sorry. Can I help in any way?” I immediately wanted to hug him again like I did on Thanksgiving. To have him hold me while I cried. To tell him about everything that I was feeling and going through because I knew he would genuinely understand. But I told him I wasn’t worried, and he gave me a half hug that instantly made me feel like crying.

Day after Christmas Hunter turns to me while we get ready for bed and tells me how he talked ot his boss about his work. This surprised me, because Hutner never really talks about work so I asked him how it went. He said that he talked to her about time off but it wasn’t likely. He had called out so much he wasn’t going to even have half a week PTO saved up for our honeymoon. Our stay and tickets to Hawaii are for 2.5 weeks. I shrugged and told Hunter that it is what it is. He got a little odd and then said how he opened up and was just very honest with his boss. I asked what he meant, and he didn’t clarify. He just said that he opened up to her about home life and how it was affecting him at work, and that his boss said the coolest thing. That she said how she meets few genuine people in this world, but that the two of us were those. That her life was better from knowing the two of us and how much we care for other people, and that she knows we will be the power couple of our company. I was quiet for a moment and told Hunter how sweet that was, but inside I just felt weird. I have moved at a very quick pace through my company and was being seen by multiple higher ups. Though I didn’t get into the management position I wanted, I was accepted into an intensive mentoring leadership program directly supervised by the vice president of the company. It was huge for me, and I have a lot of investment in my career and growth. Not only does Hunter not (he still talks all the time about wanting to be a stay at home dad), but his boss actually works with me indirectly in some ways, and we have even worked on higher level projects together. Something about the way he brought it up to his boss without talking to me first about what was even bothering him just sat weird with me. While driving to the grocery store I felt the urge to just hop on the freeway and not turn around, and that was the telltale sign for me. With counseling I know that to be a pretty hardwired coping mechanism of mine, and when I feel that way I need to sit back and really process what I am feeling.

For the next few days I started to mull. I thought about Maddie and how I missed her and sent her a text (after almost two months) telling her about how I had fallen into depression, but I was trying to climb out and I hoped I could talk to her soon. She texted back saying she wasn't mad and she was there for me. I got off work early some days and walked the dogs alone, and thought about how I used to go on hikes multiple times a week both alone and with MAddie, and how I stopped doing that as well as going out to social events. I canceled on plans more often than not, and I realized I was very isolated from family and even friends I could fully open up to.

I thought about Henry, and my mixed feelings for him. How dear he is to me and how supportive he is, and how I would never want to ruin anything we have. I know so much of what I am noticing with Henry is what I am lacking in Hunter, and I want to make sure to separate my feelings because I respect Henry greatly. I also respect Hunter too much to emotionally cheat on him, but at the same time I already feel so isolated and the thought of distancing myself from Henry or Ryan hurts. I love them both dearly and consider them family, and they have told me the same. My own family lives about 5 hours away, anytime I want to visit Hunter ends up last minute not wanting to go. My family is very direct and it makes him anxious. Every time we see them we fight, and I was even supposed to go see them alone this weekend. Hunter ended up being just about sick with anxiety, begging me not to drive it because it's been snowing and I’m alone. How we don't get good cell service. How he would spoil me if I stayed. So I canceled.

I noticed myself beginning to react to Hunter’s anxiety attacks differently the last few days. I feel horrible, but he would wake up first thing in the morning and be telling me he was anxious and I would get up and tell him to eat breakfast and start getting ready myself. I can’t explain it, but it’s honestly the first time I haven’t wanted to be around him. I see him trying but I feel distant from it, I can’t explain it. It’s also the first time I haven’t really wanted to share a bed with him or feel him hug me, which has never happened before between us ever. I have had zero sex drive, and have been preferring to fall asleep on the couch reading reddit and going to bed later. I think Hunter has started to notice because he is hovering around me now. He wants to see what I’m reading, know who I’m texting. He’s never acted like this before. I see his anxiety increasing, and I feel like a horrible wife for just feeling too tired to care. Part of me thinks about just booking marriage counseling and driving him there with me, but another darker part of me whispers that if he doesn’t book it nothing will change. It won’t work, that he will ignore it because it wasn’t his choice. I get stressed when Hunter talks about children, I already feel so spread thin, and I already cannot rely on him. He doesn’t want to set goals or save money, he doesn’t take finances or credit seriously, and his daily negativity and anxiety just wears on me. But even now, he is offering to draw me a bath tonight and massage my shoulders if I want to. He really is so kind. I really just don’t know what to do. I’m emotionally spent, I feel weird and insecure about us working at the same place, and I am terrified to get pregnant. I am not willing to cut Ryan or Henry out of my life, but at the same time I don’t want to take away Hunter’s support system as they were Hunter’s friend first. I have my appointment set with my counselor January 15 (soonest I could get in that aligned with my weekday off), but that is a long time for me to be mulling and I don’t know how I should interact with Hunter. I can’t make him take care of himself, and I am so tired of going through these ups and downs. Most days he is so anxious he can't even send out texts that might slightly involve conflict without having me help him text. I feel guilty for even posting this because I know what he is going through must be so much worse. I just know I cannot stay stagnant like I have, and I cannot keep isolating myself.

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TL;DR: I have been asking for the same things for multiple years now from my husband, and our relationship feels stagnant. My husband and I both suffer from anxiety and depression at times, but over the last few years it feels as though my husbands life is solely driven by this and it feels like a day doesn't go by without his anxiety coming up in unhealthy ways, at points escalating int. His avoidance of conflict coupled with his depression make it hard to address any real problems or come to solutions, and more often than not I end up with my tiptoeing around him and his anxiety, only able to talk to him when it seems like he is in a good mental place. On top of it, our sex life feels like it is slowly dying and only instigated by me, and I feel like it's almost a taboo topic at this point with how terribly he reacts if I bring up wanting it. It doesn't help that my husband has an aversion to both individual and couples therapy as well as basic physical health check-ups, and it seems like he has no real long term goals or grasps on finances. He leaves all responsibilities to me, and if I bring up needing more from him he feels attacked and I end up handling it poorly and feeling terrible after. I know that living with anxiety and depression is so hard so I feel guilty wanting more when he already mentally gives so much, and I feel like I’m unfairly harboring resentment against him, but supporting him with his mental illness while still trying to navigate my own anxiety leaves me feeling alone to manage both our lives and makes me feel like I’m going crazy. I have an appointment in a few weeks with my counselor (soonest I could get in) but I don’t know what step to take next with him.

Submitted December 30, 2018 at 12:41AM by tossaway1243432 http://bit.ly/2EZkkyk