TL;DR: flew back to parents’ house over holiday season and got into deprecating fight with my dad, whom has been abusive to us throughout my life. I don’t think family gatherings are worth it, anymore, and I have come to realize, day by day, that my true family is merely my SO. I will not be attending future family gatherings/holidays again, as they are not worth the drama, trauma, or abuse of my dad (abuse that’s merely defended and amplified by my mother). As my bf says: the juice is just not worth the squeeze. Has anyone experienced the same realization? Or has anyone else had similar experiences and decided against attending any more family gatherings?
I [23F] decided to visit my family over the Christmas holiday after moving out of the house for the first time at the end of May 2018. I live in a city 8-9 hours away by car, but decided to visit my family just to be close to my mom over Christmas/New Years. For minimal background: My dad has always been verbally, psychologically/mentally, and emotionally abusive to my mom and my two siblings, both of whom moved out of the house as soon as they turned 19 last year. (I have a paragraph discussing some of my background at the end).
I stayed at home until 22 because of free housing and support to go to our local uni. It just made sense to me financially, even though it meant I had to deal with my dad (note: I paid for uni by myself). Since I’ve been gone, I slowly made peace with my dad (whom hasn’t contacted me since I left) and almost forgot about all of the things he’s put me through. Last week, I arrived “home” and have been maintaining minimal albeit friendly contact with my dad. Our first fight broke out tonight, after he veered into the realm of science (I’m a biologist) and misused statistics regarding climate change (e.g., he conjectured that a substantial proportion of scientists support the notion that climate change does not have an anthropogenic cause). I died on the inside, attempted correcting him, but was only met with statements telling me that I’m too emotional to discuss the matter, that I’m immature, etc. My dad hushed me and, in a very condescending and rudimentary manner, explained to me the basic viewpoints of climate change (fck, I’m a biology grad student...this stuff is common knowledge to me), telling me I’m not allowed to talk. I told him I understand but that his viewpoint—cut off again. My dad gets angry at me and starts screaming. Again I’m told I’m too emotional and then he repeated the statements he made before. When I tried to say something, I get cut off by yelling, told I’m an emotional idiot, and then hushed via screaming. My dad told me I need to “fcking” get out of his house immediately. My mother backed him up. I calmly got my things and went to my room. My mother came in only to defend my dad yet again.
Now I’m sitting here with nowhere to go, since I flew down to their city. I have no car and my boyfriend is still in my city (he moved with me to the city and had to stay for his job). I usually escaped to his house after fights or merely went to sleep over at my uni’s library (books are friends lol); my bf’s parents and my previous university research mentor + his wife offered me housing whenever my dad became abusive, as well, but I don’t want to bother them over the holidays, in part due to shame. I have been thinking and realized that the only reason I even deal with this sht is to be with my mother, whom only either supports my father in his abuse or allows the abuse to be directed towards me, since it would mean she avoids it. Whenever I defy my dad, I get screamed at or insulted.
I decided I’m not going to family gatherings, anymore. This was the last straw and I’m not re-emerging myself in this abuse or just mere annoyance/family drama again.
For a bit of background (please ignore this paragraph if you’re not interested): my dad left my family for another woman when I was 9. This was the third time he knowingly cheated on my mom, as I initially grew up living at my aunt’s house between ages 0-2 years because he left my mom shortly after my birth for another woman (side note: he didn’t show up for my birth lol). My mom took him back after she got pregnant with my siblings. My relationship with him never recovered after he left when I was 9, especially not after he forced himself back into our house and into our lives (i.e., he showed up at our house with his stuff and moved himself back into the main bedroom, against my protests). Ever since then, I feel like he would target me for everything and would scream at me if/when a single thing goes wrong in his life. For example, last year someone ate his chocolate slab/bar at a family gathering. He screamed at me in front of everyone, told me I was overweight (I’m 125 lbs, 5’8), I’m pathetic, that I don’t have a future, and that he wants me out of his house permanently (even though I was a broke student who didn’t ask for a cent from them for uni because my scholarships covered everything). Side note: my brother ate his chocolate, not me. This theme was observed since I was 9, when he threatened to permanently leave the house again because I was mean, or when I was 12 when he told me my own mother hates me and is leaving us for another man (a total lie). Many times, he would keep me up until 2am in the morning because of his verbal abuse (I.e., merely to spat insults at me for how pathetic and “shitty” a daughter I am towards him) and would follow me around the house whilst I was attempting to get away from him. I wasn’t allowed to have a boyfriend while in their house at the time, either. When I turned 19, I met a sweet guy who I started hanging out with. They finally agreed but gave me a curfew of 9pm. One night I forgot to answer the 10 phone calls I received from my dad at around 9:05pm. He stormed into his car, came to my bf’s apartment complex, forced me to come home, and threatened my bf. One time I had to interview high school students for a summer research position alongside a professor. I stayed until around 8:30pm. Checked my phone....8 missed calls from my dad asking where I am even though I was 21 at the time, of which is just his way of controlling me. Other insults include that I’m going to hell, that I’m worthless, I’m fat, I’m ugly, I have no future, my family hates me, I’m an ungrateful b*#%h, and a horrible daughter, etc.
Thanks for reading. Happy holidays
Submitted December 29, 2018 at 06:13PM by AfrikaanseDoos http://bit.ly/2VimHkX
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