Hi all,
Situation:
I (21F) returned to the family home for the holidays and found it so triggering that I ended up spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my (wonderful) boyfriend and his family, who are all incredibly kind and gave me the happiest Christmas of my life. Before I left for their house, I explained to my dad that I wasn’t leaving for Christmas as a power move or to be nasty, but that being ‘home’ is difficult and that Christmas especially is a really hard time for me. This resulted in him FINALLY admitting that his behaviour has been abusive and that he’ll do whatever it takes to have a relationship with me. The thing is, I really don’t think I want a relationship with him.
Background:
My dad was emotionally abused by his own mother growing up, and has never to my knowledge dealt with it. He also abuses alcohol, although he’s actually nicest to me when he’s drunk. Growing up I would be subjected to what felt like random emotional abuse, or disproportionate reactions to mistakes; for example, being screamed at and belittled for spilling a cup of tea when I was 9 to the point where I locked myself in my room for fear of being hit.
When I was 13, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, and from thereon it only got worse. My dad took no interest in helping me take care of my disease, and shouted and name-called me when I had low blood sugars, even though sometimes they come totally out of the blue and I can’t avoid every single one. I was diagnosed with coeliac disease as well at 14, and he would be nasty to me if I couldn’t eat at a certain restaurant that he wanted to go to because of it, and cook meals I medically couldn’t eat because he ‘forgot’, excluding me from family dinners. By the time I was 18, I was cutting myself multiple times per day and suffering from anorexia, diabulimia, depression and anxiety. I admitted myself to a psychiatric hospital and due to treatment there passed my a levels and went to my first choice university. That summer, when I told him that I love him and want to spend time with him but that when he drinks a lot I feel that he doesn’t want spend time with me, he responded saying he wouldn’t have to drink so much if I made this family easier to be a part of, or if I didn’t cut myself.
When I came back for Christmas during my 1st year (aged 19), he belittled me for having a low blood sugar while queuing for a theme park ride, apologised on my behalf to the park staff (for what? For being a type 1 diabetic???), and then when we sat down to have dinner an hour later, he pretended to play a tiny violin and made mock-crying actions when I told him that I can’t help having occasional low blood sugars. A few days later, he called me a cunt, a nasty bitch, a bad person and a piece of shit in the middle of a New York street full of people because our Uber cancelled and I suggested we hail a taxi. After that, I flew home alone, whilst my dad, mum and sister continued their holiday. The last incident of abuse was just under 6 months ago.
A couple of months ago I readmitted myself to a psychiatric hospital due to extreme anxiety and was diagnosed with PTSD. My therapist, who I’ve been seeing for 3 years, has helped me understand how my dad’s behaviour towards me has contributed to my eating disorders, depression, poor self worth, depression and anxiety.
Question: What can I do?? How am I meant to forgive him, let alone want to have a relationship with him, after 2 decades of abuse? I love my sister and my mum (even though she never stood up to him on my behalf, she has tried her best to support me to a point) and I don’t want to be estranged from them, but there’s no way in hell they would distance themselves from my dad when they’re with me. He’s genuinely fucked up my psyche and sense of self for so long, and I’ve spent most of my life fighting to love myself in an environment where I’ve been abused. After spending Christmas with my boyfriend and his family, who instantly made me feel loved and celebrated for exactly who I am, I don’t know how to tolerate my biological family.
EDIT for clarity: I’m still financially dependent on my family because I’m a student and my loan doesn’t even cover rent (which is relatively inexpensive as I share with 5 people in a student house in a relatively cheap city), I do want to have a relationship with my dad but I don’t know if that’s realistic at all given what he’s done to me, or if that’s good for me given what he’s done. This is why at the beginning of the post I put that I don’t really want a relationship, because I don’t think I can have one and I don’t want to set myself up to be let down again.
TLDR: My dad abused me, he now wants to fix things. How do I ever forgive him?
Submitted December 30, 2018 at 08:16AM by screamqueenc http://bit.ly/2Vjvgfa
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