Two days ago I ended the friendship with my best friend to save my marriage. I need help coming to grips with it.

I need some very honest opinions here, please. This is one case where I hope I am wrong, so I can begin to heal and move on. I can't afford to go to a counselor unless it becomes absolutely necessary and I can't talk to anyone else. I'm sorry to be long-winded, but I think everything I am sharing is necessary to get the full picture.

My husband (who I will call Jim) and I have been married for over 20 years, and we are both in the vicinity of 40 yrs old. We got married young and have had many struggles (some of which were very serious) over the years, but love each other very much and want to be together.

Jim and I are more respectful toward each other than some of couples we see, and I'm so glad. For instance, we keep our troubles to ourselves and don't let other people become involved in our marital business. It's a rule of our relationship that we have both agreed to. However, I made a mistake recently, and told a friend (who I will call Diane) something that I shouldn't have. The details will become relevant so I will describe them, but it is not meant to excuse my breaking a marital rule.

Diane lives very far away from us (like... 4 time zones away). We've been successful in maintaining a long-distance friendship due to modern technology. We mostly text and send pics and videos, but occasionally we skype or talk on the phone, and quite often we will send voice recordings to each other. Jim has always admitted that he thought the voice recordings were "weird". But they make perfect sense when you want to tell the other person something longer—perhaps a story or something you are excited about and want to say out loud—and I have read online that voice-messaging has become extremely common for people to do.

A couple of months ago I sent Diane a message where I told her about part of an argument that Jim and I had. The argument between Jim and I had become quite heated, but stemmed from a simple disagreement about the meaning of a particular word/phrase (really a pair of words that go together). After the argument, I was extremely frustrated with Jim, who had insisted that this word/phrase meant what it meant and no context would change a thing. He said a word means what it means and that's it. A day or so later, I was still in disbelief that he would not agree to something I thought anyone would agree to, and that he was just being stubborn. So I made a recording (this was not the fateful recording that ended the friendship) where I used the word/phrase in a sentence in three different ways, and asked Diane to tell me what she thought the sentence would mean in each of those contexts. I did not tell her why I was asking. We were texting about other things, too, and I didn't want to reveal the reason for my questions, so it was easy to just not answer her when she asked why I asked her about the word meanings. (Seems shady now, I suppose, but I really didn't mean any harm and didn't want to talk about Jim.)

So, a few days or so passed, and she mentioned the semantics recording again, curious what it was all about. This time I gave her a partial answer in another voice recording. I told her that Jim and I had argued over the meaning of that word/phrase and I used a bit of hyperbole with her to describe a particular claim Jim had made during the argument when I said, "who in their right mind could ever say _insert statement here that implies something incredibly well known_ is not true??" I also told her that Jim had gotten out the dictionary to try to prove his point. I did not tell her that Jim and I had become angry, or that it had stemmed out into any other arguments or discussions. Diane knows that I love my husband dearly and has stated on several occasions that she has never seen anyone love another person as much as I love that man and that our relationship is inspirational to her. There was no part of me that thought there was any chance that Diane would think less of Jim in any way, and she didn't. Her response was that it made her "like him even more because he argues his case and sticks to his guns with vehemence." And she meant it. She has always thought a lot of Jim, and that didn't change in the least. She said she liked him _more_ afterwards.

Fast forward a couple of weeks or so (maybe less?). Jim and I had been arguing again and I asked him a question that somehow made him wonder if I was recording him so I could make him look bad later. (I have never done this before, but he has and promised not to do it again.) Later, he was borrowing my phone and saw my voice recorder in my 'recent apps', so he became even more suspicious. Later that night, while I was sleeping, he listened to my voice recordings and read through Diane and my messaging conversations (to what extent, I don't know). He heard the message where I told Diane about the semantics argument and became extremely hurt. Even though I had no ill intent, when I listened back to the message I could see why it hurt is feelings. The _"who in their right mind?"_ part must have been tough to hear. I never would have wanted to make Jim feel that way and I never would have said anything if I thought Diane would see Jim in a negative way or if I had realized I would end up hurting him. At the time, I knew deep down that I shouldn't say anything, but I rationalized it to myself by telling myself that I was only revealing a small part of the argument, and wasn't telling someone who would ever say something negative about Jim in response (or think any less of him).

At first, Jim demanded that I end my friendship with Diane. But then he relented and allowed me to tell Diane what had happened and to tell her that I wouldn't be able to speak with her until we got things sorted (while he decided whether or not he would require for me to end the friendship). She was very surprised and a bit confused, saying that she "hadn't considered it to be talking behind someone's back or anything and certainly not for the purposes of making someone look bad, etc", but also said she understood and most important was that Jim and I were able to work things out. After a few days, and many, many apologies for my transgression, Jim said that I could continue being friends with Diane, but that we were too close/talked too often and that he wanted me to not talk to her so much.

Two months later, which was this past Monday, Jim had been acting like he was upset with me for a few days, but wouldn't tell me why. Monday night after work, he sat down and told me that I had really hurt is feelings and that it was bothering him every day and making him miserable and that I needed to end my friendship with Diane. He says that he thinks it was an inappropriate relationship, since I had allowed her to "come between us". Also that if he had heard anyone else talk that way about him, that he would have ended the relationship with that person immediately. He also said that he felt like it was unfair that the burden/consequences sat squarely on his shoulders and that I had no consequences and even got to continue being friends with Diane. I truly do understand how he feels. I love him and want him to be happy and feel terrible that I hurt him so badly.

I sent Diane a letter and told her goodbye. She's beyond hurt and confused, but still wants what's best for Jim's and my marriage. It was the only right thing for me to do. I can't expect Jim to worry about our friendship every day while I continue speaking to Diane. I am, however, having a hard time understanding how ending an entire friendship over that recording is remotely reasonable. It feels so overwhelmingly disproportionate to the transgression that I am blown away. I forgive Jim for so many things, and even similar things that happened at about the same time. Remember how he promised not to secretly record our conversations? He was actually the one who was recording some of them during that same time when he was suspecting me of doing it. His excuse is that he was going to play it back later so we could both listen [and hear how unreasonable I am]. He also recently told our adult son about something private that happened during an argument the previous day, and it was something that made me look bad. I only found this out because I happened to be coming down the hall and overheard him when he thought I was still asleep.

Wrapping up.. I really do hope everyone agrees that ending my friendship with Diane was the right thing for Jim to require me to do. That way I can accept it and move on. But I can't stop feeling like this is unfair, that Jim should have been able to forgive and move on without me having to give up my best friend. He says I have boundary issues and stuff like this has happened before. I asked for examples and the ones he gave were all over 20 years ago, while I was still a teenager. In the interest of honesty—one of those examples is horrible. I cheated on him once with a friend of his. No excuses, but for context, I was 19 and was pressured into it. Jim has also done horrible things in the years since then.

In the meanwhile I'm so, so hurt. In the day and a half since I sent Diane that letter, I've had a hard time doing anything other than sleeping, crying, or getting angry at Jim. He seems to think that is a sign that he was right in thinking our friendship was inappropriate. In reality, I feel broken and hurt that someone who loves me would be willing to make a decision that he knew would hurt me so badly. I don't have many friends, and no other close friends, and 5 years ago I lost my best friend of 12 years. It was one of the hardest things I've ever gone through, and afterwards I didn't have any close friends for 3 years before I met Diane. She's one of the most honest and caring people I've ever known, we understand each other so well, and her friendship meant a lot to me. Also, I work from home, alone, and I anticipate a lot of loneliness in my future, especially since I won't want to make new friends again.

If you've read all of this, I thank you so, so much. I'm really lost and feel alone in my sorrow and need help.

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TL;DR: I told my best friend partial details about an argument I had with my husband. She didn't think negatively about it and said she liked him more because of what it was about, but my husband heard the message, was hurt, and required me end the friendship.

Submitted November 02, 2018 at 11:11AM by throwaway0224458 https://ift.tt/2CZKkbn