Throwaway due to my friend also being a Redditor.
J and I have been close friends since kindergarten. We sat next to each other on the first day and she struck up a conversation with me because I looked so shy and uncomfortable. We've been nearly inseparable in the 30+ years since. We like all the same things and have a lot of fun together- or at least, we used to. Throughout elementary, middle, high school, college, and beyond, J has always been my most trusted (and sometimes only) friend and confidant.
J has always been the more dominant personality between the two of us. Since childhood, I've been shy and wracked with depression and insecurities. Throughout school, I would often find J to be the main source of my social life- she would introduce me to people and invite me to parties. She talked me through my worst times and encouraged me to think more of myself. I have always loved her for this. For much of my young life, my friendship with J was the bright, shining beacon that warded off the worst of my depression.
When we reached adulthood, I found myself floundering a lot while she almost immediately entered a stable career. I went to three different colleges and spent an extra several years eventually getting a liberal arts degree while J was driven. She got a degree in a field that interested her and secured a teaching job in that field fresh out of college. She thrived. During this time I flitted from low paying job to low paying job. I couldn't pay my bills most of the time. I entered into a series of terrible, toxic relationships with men, the worst of which becoming physically and emotionally abusive. J was there for me throughout it all. She helped me leave my abuser and reconnect with my family to get back on my feet. She encouraged me to take an entry level job in her field, which I did. I worked there for a few years, and while I didn't make much money or love the job I did finally have enough to support myself. For the first time in my life, I had a sense of normalcy. J and I spent a lot of time together. She was happy and supportive, but would sometimes veer off into bragging about accomplishments and how happy she was in her career. Of course, she deserved to brag, right? She had done so well for herself, and helped me so much.
Things changed between us when an unbelievable opportunity presented itself to me at random. During my worst times I had always painted and made little sculptures as an outlet. I never made money from it, but I did have a small website where I uploaded my work. I was approached by a fairly large film production to create custom work for their film. The pay blew my mind. I made more in a day working for the film than I made in a week at my job at the school. I was in love, completely and totally. I couldn't believe I could actually make money doing something I loved so much. I made friends on the set- so many people were strange and insecure and awkward just like me- and I secured work on the next movie. And the next one. Pretty soon, I left the job at the school behind. I was quickly making a name for myself in film and I felt like I had finally found the magical missing ingredient to my life. I told all of this to J, who was supportive but began pulling away.
During this time I also entered therapy- I worked through my depression, my anxieties, and my issues with men. I started dating again and met my husband, who also works in film. He's kind and supportive. More than I had ever hoped for. I was overjoyed. After I introduced him to J, all she had to say was "he's short." She snorted and rolled her eyes when I told her I didn't care, and I'm short, too. I couldn't understand why she wouldn't immediately love this smart, successful, sweet guy as much as I do. When the husband and I got married and bought a house, she refused to come to the wedding unless I bought her a dress (it was informal and there was no specific bridesmaid dress requirement, but I did anyway) and told me she thought her house was much nicer than mine and I should demand more from my new husband. I took it in stride, but honestly her jabs hurt. I can't be around her without her telling me, in one way or another, that she's better than me or reminding me of what a rough start in life I had.
My career has continued to grow and I've made a name for myself over the last few years. The only problem with my life now is that my dynamic with J has so dramatically changed. We can't spend time together without her cutting me off or talking over me about how she couldn't work a job like mine that had no great impact on society or how she makes loads of money for working minimal hours (my work days, but comparison, are a minimum of twelve hours). She even fabricated a story about how she was once head hunted by a large movie studio after a script she'd written went viral (note: J has never written anything more than a term paper and she had to have known I wouldn't buy this). I realize she might not feel like she "knows me" anymore, but things keep getting worse and worse.
J now pushes me to introduce her to the people I know through work, especially if they're famous in any way. She often demands to bring her boyfriend along as well. These requests make me very uncomfortable and I try to find a way to skirt them- telling her I only have a plus one for wrap parties (true) or that I'm not going to or can't get her into events (also often true). Last night she way, way overstepped my boundaries by showing up at the venue a wrap party was held at. It was in the private room of a public venue. She arrived in the public part and started texting me asking me to bring her and her boyfriend into the party- I said I couldn't do that. She kept insisting, saying "just come out and walk us in" or "add us to the list, my boyfriend wants to go." I started ignoring the texts, and then I looked up from a conversation with my boss to see that she had barged in past the door man and was talking to one of my coworkers. Oh, God. My husband and I walked over just in time to hear that she was telling my coworker that she made more money than every loser at this party by the look of it. We were humiliated to the point of being red in the face. We did introduce her to two of my friends/coworkers as a friend, and then discreetly walked her back out to the general area. I just can't believe she did that. My husband and I made vague plants to meet up with her and her boyfriend in a few weeks and left. Honestly, I'm dreading the meet up and I'm terrified that she might have invited herself back into the party and continued acting rude after we left.
I just don't know what to do about her anymore. J has been there for me during the worst parts of my life and helped me so much, but now she's toxic to the point of affecting my work and my other relationships. I know that it likely comes down to the fact that she's accustomed to being the "successful one" between the two of us and doesn't know how to adjust, but I don't know how to handle this. Do I just cut someone who's meant so much to me for thirty years out of my life completely?
TL;DR: Best friend of more than thirty years is insulting and doesn't respect my boundaries anymore, and it's starting to affect my work.
Submitted November 04, 2018 at 07:58AM by Frustratedfriendta https://ift.tt/2AL9MzG
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