Me [30f] with my partner [33m] 4 years, he no longer wants to contribute to charitable causes, and wants me to follow suit.

Charitable giving has always been a major factor in my life. I was raised Catholic, and was put through a Catholic school, the caveat being that it was always 100% on scholarship. My family was always on the scary side of broke until mid high school, when some crazy things happened and suddenly both of my parents had really awesome, well-paying jobs (that they are still in to this day).

School really pushed us to be active in our community when it came to giving. Whether it was volunteering with seniors, or animals, or at food pantries (none of which ever had to be specifically Catholic in nature), or collecting food donations or shoes or coats at church, or school supply drives, there was always something going on.

I'm not a deeply religious person anymore and I can't say I ever was. There are parts about Catholicism that I still connect with, and charitable giving is the major one. I believe in being kind to others.

Since I was a kid, I've given a portion of whatever money I have to different causes. I have always taken them seriously and have researched them and learned about all different kinds of places. Once I got through college and started in on my own career, I was able to make a nice donation yearly, or set up recurring donations with my paycheck. I'm still involved with my parish, and whenever there's a school supply drive or coat drive, I will do what I can to help.

In my eyes, I was sometimes on the receiving end of those things growing up. It's my duty to turn around and do the same.

In terms of how much, let's say I make $75k/year. Where i live, that's enough for me to live comfortably on my own and still put money away in savings. Last year, I donated $5,000 ($1,000 in the school supply drive, and then various amounts to different causes, and $500 to a GoFundMe for a local family who lost their home). In terms of giving money to my church, instead of giving monthly or weekly, I tend to give to larger projects and volunteer my time for things instead. For example, once a month they have donuts and coffee after mass. I will volunteer to help make the coffee. It's a small act, but it helps the woefully underpaid church workers.

My boyfriend has always thought this part of me was good, but I guess he changed his mind. Last week, someone at the church asked me if I would be able to help set up the Jesse tree, which is a tree where people pick off ornaments that have the wishes of a local person through a charity, like hiking boots or an action figure or something like that, and we all bring them and people distribute them. In setting up the tree, I would just come in one day and... set up a fake tree, decorate it all nicely, and that's it.

Henry, my boyfriend, asked me if I could maybe "tone down" the "causes" this year. He explained that he feels like he is missing out on presents or things like that, or experiences, because I pool my money into charity causes and things like that. I was very taken aback.

Henry was also raised Catholic and while he sometimes comes with me to Mass (I have never, and will never badger him to come or anything like that. He comes if he wants to. And I go maybe once a month.). He didn't have the same upbringing that I do, and instead has had a solid upper middle class upbringing.

I asked if he was bothered because of the ties to the church (he has been going less and less over time, which I want to reiterate is absolutely fine with me), but he said he didn't care about that, just the fact that I give away a lot of money and he thinks we should keep more of it. Henry makes roughly the same amount that I do, and so between the two of us, we make quite a nice amount. We share major things like rent, car insurance, groceries, etc.

Henry said that he thinks I'm throwing my money away and that we could be $5,000 richer this year if I hadn't thrown it at my latest cause. I told him how important it is to me to be able to pay back the kindnesses people afforded me over the year, and he said -- which is the big issue here, "Just because your family was poor and took every handout you could doesn't mean we should encourage other people to do it. It's not our problem if some kid doesn't have a pair of winter boots. Maybe their parents should have pulled out."

This left me really shocked and hurt. He's never spoken to me like that. He's never sounded so callous about the poor. I could understand if we were living in a crumbling studio apartment eating rice and beans every day and I kept throwing money at people. But we live in a beautiful apartment, we both have newer, nice cars, and while I shop for my clothes at Goodwill & budget and meal plan, I do those things because my parents instilled a sense of frugality in me.

I don't know where this leaves us. To be frank, if that is truly the way he sees the world, and the way he sees my family especially, I don't know that we are compatible people. I hope to have at least one child, and he was on the same page. But I don't know now.

Could there be more going on that I'm not seeing? Is it really so bad that I donate what I do?

tl;dr My boyfriend wants me to stop giving money to charity as often, and made a crass comment about how my family accepted any handout we were taken and that we shouldn't encourage that in others. Unsure if we are actually compatible now.

Submitted November 18, 2018 at 07:49AM by cassiesfurcoats https://ift.tt/2OQLxnA