I’m having compassion fatigue toward a friend who got a diagnosis of Aspergers last year and has had emotional issues since then

TLDR; One of my friends has been having significant emotional issues for over a year after she got a diagnosis of Aspergers. The feel like she’s been using the diagnosis as a reason to not try to be a good friend anymore.

One of my friends is a 33F. We’ve been friends since high school. She’s always been a bit unique when it comes to social interactions— she missed certain social cues and was a bit “naive” about relationships (her word). She is pretty exuberant/enthusiastic about her friendships/relationships— some people would describe her as “a lot.” That always got her in trouble with relationships, as she’d go in WAY harder than the guy she was interested in or dating, but I always appreciated how that quality came out in our friendship. She’s been a good friend— if she’s your friend, you know it, and in these days of looser connections, that’s awesome. All that being said, she’s always seemed to have issues navigating social situations, particularly after she entered the working world and had to navigate workplace relationships. She’s always had pretty severe anxiety/OCD (like the intrusive thoughts kind), and she’s had bouts with depression. Finally, last year she was diagnosed with Aspergers, which made a lot in her life make sense. Around the same time, she lost her job, and between that and this new information about how her mind works, she went into a tailspin. I ended up helping her check into an inpatient psych ward last December. She’s been unable to hold down a job, and she’s had major emotional issues since then.

I’m happy she finally had an answer— I have my own significant experience with having an undiagnosed condition and know how hard it is to feel like something is “wrong” but not know what. However, it’s been over a year, and it seems like she’s now using the diagnosis as an excuse to not try with people anymore. I know no one can try all the time, particularly when they are dealing with major life issues. However, over the last year, she ONLY contacts me when she needs to “vent.” And then it’s an hour or two of listening to how everyone in her life is treating her badly— there is some truth to that when it comes to her family, to be fair. But she never, ever contacts me when things are going well. I reach out to her, and we’ll get together, and it’s just all the same— I listen to her problems, try to offer some advice, etc. She never reciprocates anymore in almost any way— for example, I bought my first house, she came over “to vent,” walked in, sat on the new couch, and didn’t ask or say anything about the house. She expressed no interest in seeing it at all... the girl I knew before a year ago, before her diagnosis would have.

She also has always disliked kids, but now she’s almost outright hostile about (not toward) them. She says it has something to do with her Aspergers, “because they are hard to read” — like, just their presence in a restaurant irritates her to the extreme, even when they are behaving. Most of our mutual friends have had kids and can’t be around her anymore, because who wants to be around someone who you feel like hates your kid for existing, especially when they have to have their babies with them 99% of the time when they are still breastfeeding/the primary caretaker? She also doesn’t seem to want to be around them now that they have kids, either. But my partner and I want to start trying for a baby in a year or two, and I feel like this has basically put an expiration date on our friendship.

On top of just what I feel is normal compassion fatigue, I’ve been dealing with my own diagnosed anxiety and depression. I mentioned it to her once, and she didn’t really respond to it and just started in on her own issues. It’s just getting hard for me to be friends with her, because the thought of seeing her and listening to more problems makes me feel a little anxious and irritated/annoyed, which I feel terrible about, because her mental health issues are real and hard for her. It’s gotten to the point where she texted me asking to meet up so she could vent, and I just said “sorry, I’m out of town all weekend.” I was.... at my grandmother’s funeral. I just didn’t see the point in telling her that part, and I then realized there is something not right in our friendship.

I just don’t know what to do or say to her without being an asshole. Or am I already doing something wrong? Any perspective on this would be appreciated.

Edit: she has a therapist she sees weekly. It seems like she calls me when she has a few days before her next appointment.

Submitted November 26, 2018 at 07:36AM by torchwood1842 https://ift.tt/2zu2PBW