I live with a stereotypical "angry man". For the most part he's great, but if he's stressed out or in a depressive episode (and yes, he does take medication for it), he's quick to irrational anger. I hate that I tend to walk on eggshells during this time.
2018 has been challenging from a business standpoint for him, and he's been on edge plenty. His grandfather also passed away this year. There have been many outbursts over various things throughout this year, including one where he broke my favorite lamp (on purpose) and another where he threw a paper takeaway cup of coffee against the wall in anger (angry at me).
In September the worst outburst happened. We were arguing and he pushed me off the bed. Then while I was on the floor, he grabbed a pillow and pushed it hard over my head. I panicked a bit because it felt hard to breathe and I couldn't believe he was doing this, so I managed to pinch him really hard and he let me go. When I stood up he just told me to get the fuck away from him.
He apologized but said the (large ugly) bruise from the pinch I landed on him was evidence that we were fighting with each other instead of that he assaulted me first.
I sat with this for a few weeks but I realized I had to leave. Not only does he not seem to understand how serious this way (or maybe he's just gaslighting hoping I won't realize how serious it was), but I also knew in that moment I had felt pure fear. Fear of what my partner may do to me. That's not something I can live with. I also know that if someone progresses from damaging your things to actually hurting you (and he pushed me off the bed hard enough that it hurt my shoulder......he absolutely meant to hurt me), it's unlikely they will stop completely. At some point it will happen again. And what if he actually smothers me in anger?? Doubtful, but you never really know.
I didn't tell him anything but I got my life in order. I found an apartment (haven't moved in yet, but it's mine now). I've been slowly setting it up secretly as I have time. I got some of my mail items changed over to my new address. I got the utilities set up at my new place. I'm not entirely sure how/when to move, but it will be after Christmas as I don't want to ruin the holidays for everyone.
Since this has been a slow methodical thing, I've still been living with him and pretending everything is (more or less) ok. We still sleep together and have sex regularly. I still go to visit his parents. We still go to the movies and out for dinner. I still bought him a Christmas gift. And for his part, he did start therapy after that incident. There have been no more outbursts and he's been able to catch his anger before it explodes.
I didn't want to set him off. I didn't want to tell him I was getting my own place before I was ready to move in. And I didn't want to live in stoney silence or risk having him spend energy trying to convince me to stay, so I played the game and pretended things were ok. But I still love him, and I know he loves me, so lately (especially as we get closer to Christmas), my heart is breaking. I feel like such an evil fraud. He would be crushed if he knew that I had my own place just waiting for me.
I told only one close girlfriend of mine and she was horrified. She said I either needed to leave back in September, or not at all. She said the fact that I stayed and led him on and have sex with him makes me a horrible person. Now she's distanced herself from me. Am I horrible?
tldr: I secretly found an apartment after an incident of physical abuse and plan to leave in the new year, but I've been pretending everything is normal for months.
Submitted November 27, 2018 at 03:51PM by Shaleamo https://ift.tt/2SjF1YF
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