I [29F] am single for really the first time in my adult life. How do I get over my marriage ending and learn to be alone?

I left my ex husband [32M] 2 years ago. We had been together for more than a decade. In the last 2 years I haven't been single for more than a month at a time, and in between partners I'd find someone to start hooking up with. I've been seeing someone for a couple of months now and things ended last week.

Normally my first instinct is to start chatting someone up or make it known I'm available but I'd like to really give myself time to be single. I feel like I'm still mourning the loss of my marriage and have been using other men to distract myself.

While ultimately I ended things, I miss the time when my ex husband and I were still in love. We used to face something very special and remain friends, but after his mother's stroke he turned into an entirely different person. He closed off and completely stopped engaging in our relationship. We would still have sex, but the romance was gone. Date nights are generic dinner dates, no intimate time together, and I was left to plan nearly everything. He stopped giving his opinions on anything and would just mirror what I'd say or give really vague answers to everything, getting his opinion on something as simple as dinner was like pulling teeth. He also stopped helping around the house and responsibilities for our special calendar was completely put on me (seeing friends, his family, my family, dates). He wouldn't do any chores unless I nagged him over and over and over. I felt buried in responsibility and after more than a year telling him that if something didn't change I'd leave, I finally left. He said he felt like it came out of nowhere, even though the words "I can't do this anymore. I need you to try for me. We are not bullet proof and we will get divorced if this continues" more times than I can remember.

I tried just not reminding him about chores and not doing them, but our house would get trashed and I couldn't take it. I tried not doing all the planning but then we'd simply not have dates. I tried not being in complete charge of our social calendar, but then our in laws thought we were avoiding them because he just stopped answering their calls and texts. I never stopped planning things with friends or my family so he'd tag along to group things and never have individuall time with his friends. I tried talking to him endlessly but it often ended with me sobbing so hard that I ended up puking because his cartoons would feel so vague and inauthentic.

We used to talk for hours about everything. We'd engage in intense conversations around our hobbies and interests, and he would always tell me what was on his mind. We went to individual and builds counseling for 3 years, and I was given a lot of promises with no work towards changing his habits. We would embrace each other with these huge long hugs every time one of us left the house or got home. We held hands when we were out, and visited up every time we sat together on the couch. We'd go on very intimate dates that allowed us time alone to get lost with each other. We'd take a camping trip alone and stay up late at night, looking up at the stars taking about our dreams. We were on the same page financially, religiously, politically, when we wanted kids, everything. By 23 we had 1 car paid off, bought a house, and aside from the 2nd car and house were debt free. We didn't make a lot of money but lived modestly and had our 3, 5, and 10 year plans mapped out.

When his mother got sick I stepped in and did everything I could to help. She has never been quite the same since. I was one of her caregivers up to the split, although I come around still here and there when they need the extra help. We started counseling right after. He would follow the therapists coping mechanisms and homework for MAYBE a week. He would go in every other week solo and on alternating weeks we started couples counseling after 3 months when things started to go south for us. It never got better.

After I moved out he started planning things with friends and family again. He cleaned out the garage. He keeps the house clean and the yard looking nice. I know because I've come to grab things a few times, and to feed his dog when he's gone on vacation. We stayed friends and he still had a hard time showing real interest in anything, but recently has gotten passionate about his hobbies, politics, and his future again. We had discussed trying again some time ago, but he said that since I had dated/slept with other people he just couldn't, that my leaving broke him and broke what we had. We started dating in high school and neither had even kissed anyone before. He's seen 2 people since our split and says he's interested in dating but wants to get his life further first. He's getting back on track with what our life plans together were, but for himself.

It hurts to see that he didn't put the effort in until I left. That he could let the two of us live in a pig sty with only my chores getting done, or let me be responsible for all of it while also working just as many hours as he did at a very stressful and demanding job.

At this point, I don't trust him the way I used to and seeing him doesn't give me that feeling it used to. Thinking about our relationship before all this happened, does though. I still remember what it felt like to be in love with him. I still remember what it felt like to have the absolute worst day and be able to come home to him and have everything just melt away. When my uncle passed away I found out in the early morning 2 hours before he had to be at work. He let me sob into his chest until his alarm went off, then he called out of work and made me breakfast in bed before just holding me the rest of the day. We fell in love young and our relationship was great for 9 years. We struggled together and worked our way through it and out of it every time until we just didn't.

After my recent breakup I'm finding myself mourning the loss of my marriage, again. I have decided to take some time to just be single, and this time I'm taking a step away from hookups as well. I've been embracing my hobbies more, and spending a lot of time at the gym. I've spent the last 6 months really throwing myself into my career and have been promoted twice in that time.

I feel like In touch starved and intimacy starved, though. I cuddle up with my cat at night and my friends and family are all physically affectionate so I get the big embrace of hugs often. I also get massages biweekly for my self care. I just miss having someone to cuddle with on the couch, hold hands with, having someone play with my hair.

I want to be genuinely happy on my own, and I don't want to be in this constant state of filling this void. While we separated 2 years ago, I feel like I lost my husband 5 years ago. Towards the end I hated cuddling with him because it felt wrong, and even telling him I loved him felt wrong because I had been out of love for so long.

I so badly miss what we used to have, and I know that I'm never getting that again with him. I don't know if I'll ever feel that way about anyone again. I feel like he was it for me, and that fell apart. I don't want to get married again at any point because I don't trust myself to know if I could spend forever with someone after this experience. During the good years we had our problems as every couple does, but it was always us against the problem not us against each other.

How do I stop missing that intimacy, and start truly enjoying being alone? I feel generally happy and fulfilled in life in other areas but feel this huge void that I just can't fill. I keep a busy schedule but make time to just sit at home and relax when I need it so that I'm not burning out. I just feel so damn empty.

TLDR: My perfect husband hit a bout of depression after his mothers stroke, as did I. After 9 amazing years together things rapidly fell apart and 3 years later our relationship ended. 2 years past now. I've spent that time filling the void with dating new men and meaningless hookups. My most recent relationship just ended and I'm dedicating myself to some time single and learning to be happy on my own. How do I fill this void in my life and learn to be truly happy? I work in a field I am passionate about, I have a pet so I'm not so lonely at home, good friends/family and a generally strong support system, I engage in hobbies that make me happy and volunteer at least once a month. I just feel lonely and empty. While I don't miss the person he is today for someone I want in my life, I miss what he and I used to have. I am on track for the plans we had together, just solo, and work hard to find success and meaning in my life. I want to be happy alone and while I feel happy in general I feel like a happy relationship is missing. How do I stop wanting that?

Submitted November 16, 2018 at 06:53PM by newlifebalance https://ift.tt/2QPdgH5