I know, I know. But right off the bat, it's nothing to do with the age difference. We were good friends before we pursued a romantic relationship and the way we clicked was like movie soulmate crap. Our age difference has never bothered me.
Despite the age difference not bothering me the relationship I have with this guy is a secret, which is why I come here anonymously.
For a bit of context, we used to work in the same town so we'd see each other quite often. We were FWB for about 3 years until we decided we'd be an actual couple after an argument about a year and a half ago where I admitted that I had actual feelings towards him. I got a job in a different city so now we're about an hour away from each other and only see each other once a week.
The less time we have to spend together has been pulling my depression back over me, so my sex drive is lower. I'm less willing. But he misses me and gets excited when I come over so we usually end up gettin it on anyway unless I stay on the couch all night.
Eventually it started to hurt every time we had sex. I'd cry and ask him to stop, and he would. Eventually he stopped initiating and we got into a almost relationship-breaking argument where he compared me to his ex-wife (in that at least she'd finish him somehow) and I told him that all I felt like to him was an object he used to pleasure himself with.
I did reach out to a group and they all warned me, red flags and all that. But we kissed and made up, now there's "I love you"s exchanged and he was careful with me, for a while.
Since then he's been getting drunk every night I come over. He fell asleep while we were having sex once. While I was on top of him. I cried over half a pack of cigarettes and he laughed it off the next day. I had the nagging feeling that I should've left him when I had the chance but I ignored it because I love him. He's been there for me through some very difficult times.
But I think it's wearing on me. Lately he hasn't been stopping if I tell him it hurts. He just tells me to take it, for him. I had unsavory sexual things done to me by an ex and a couple ex-customers and he knows about it. But it doesn't stop him now.
When I went over last week he was already kind of drunk when I got there. Then he drank more and eventually passed out. He let me be in the morning and left for work. I was exhausted so I slept in for a while.
But he came back for his lunch break and woke me up to have his way with me. It hurt and I cried and begged him to stop, but he didn't. He's bigger and stronger than me so when I try to push him away he just pins me down anyway, so I just kind of have to let it happen. I've learned to zone myself out to try and ignore how much it hurts.
I ditched seeing him last week and told him that he needs to stop if I tell him to because it's been stressing me out so much. I'm losing sleep over it. I shouldn't have to drift myself off to a "Happy place" because it isn't normal. He apologized and said he's entranced by me, and that he gets excited when I'm vulnerable.
I was talking vaguely about this with one of my coworkers last week and he told me to "get the fuck out of there". He said it's not healthy or normal. I was telling him how I'm torn in two because I really care about him and love him, but since he's been drinking so much he's been hurting me physically and emotionally and not doing anything to change it. My coworker said I'm strong and that I can get out of it. But I think I've just given up. I feel so empty but I'm so used to it. It's such a hollow embrace but I'd be so lonely without him. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'll drown either way.
tldr: SO is hurting me a lot during sex and won't stop when I tell him. Drinks a lot now. I love him and don't want to leave but God damn it's killing me.
Sorry if this is all kinda jumbled. I'm very sleep deprived.
Submitted November 03, 2018 at 06:28PM by Throwawaystressghost https://ift.tt/2qnSC5g
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