I [23 f] have an unhealthy way of coping with fear. My boyfriend [27m] and friends [20s m/f] saw me go to a bad place mentally, and then punch a guy.

So I grew up in an absusive home, and during bad shit, I kinda learned to mentally distance myself from the situation. It felt kinda like my mind was a cave, and I was walking backwards into the darkness, away from the light coming through my eyes, or the sound through my ears, or my other senses. I wouldn't register pain or fear in the normal way. I remember walking through the snow for at least half an hour, barefoot in my pajamas, and not really feeling any pain or discomfort. I could get hit or physically threatened and not flinch. I was aware, on some level, of what was going on around me, but I did not feel personally connected to it, when I was in that place. I didn't feel fear or panic, my heart rate wouldn't be elevated, my hands wouldn't shake, I just felt immensely calm.

It wasn't always intentional. Sometimes I'd feel that distance between my mind and my body, without meaning to go to that place. A few times, I remember feeling so separate from my body that I felt as if my physical form was not "me", it was an "it" or a "her". And when I tried to speak, or move, it would take deliberate effort to move "it's" mouth or limbs.

I absolutely don't believe in mystical out-of-body experiences, I personally don't believe that the mind or "soul" can live separately than the body. I know all that was just a coping mechanism to get away from some pretty bad shit. Up until recently, it hadn't happened for years, and I was glad of that, because it's a very unsettling feeling. I talked to my therapist about this and apparently the terms for this are disassociation and depersonalization. We didn't get too deep into this topic, because up until recently I assumed it was all in the past.

I've been doing a lot over the years after I got out of my parents house to take back control over my own life, get an education, feel empowered, work on my mental health, etc. One of which has been training in martial arts, my therapist suggested it years ago as a way to feel more in control over my own body. And I've really enjoyed it, it's helped my fitness and self confidence so much.

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Last week, my mind went to that distant place again. I was at an amusement park with my boyfriend Jake, and a couple of our mutual friends. It was an adults-only Halloween night, with people dressed up wandering the park trying to scare people. The employees were allowed to touch you, creepily stroke your hair, arms, whatever. Lots of jump scares, stuff like people dressed up as zombies, or holding prop chainsaws leaping out at you. I thought it would be a fun night, but I guess after the first person tried to spook me, my mind involuntary started going to that distant place again. The next few times someone tried to scare our group, I didn't get startled. It was super obvious to the rest of the group, because I wouldn't even flinch at stuff that everyone else screamed and ran away from.

Our group got in line for a rollercoaster I don't like much; it's got a lot of tight loops and jerky twists that gave me some neck pain the last time I rode it. So I told them that I'd sit that one out, and watch while they rode it.

While I was standing near the part where people get on and off the rollercoaster, some guy came up to me. At first I thought he was an actor playing a drunk creepy hick, so I gave some non-committal answers to the creepy stuff he said about my appearance. "nope" "nahh bro" "yikes" etc... Throughout all of that, my mind was in that other place, feeling distant from my body. When he grabbed my boob like he was trying to squeeze out a lemon, I realized it wasn't an act. But my mind was still distant, I didn't react or flinch, or say anything. Just stood there with a blank stare for a few seconds before I realized I ought to do something. So I made my body throw a quick set of punches. Left uppercut to his jaw, right straight to his neck. Then I walked away.

I hadn't noticed, but my ride my boyfriend and our friends had just been on, had ended just before all that happened, and they saw everything. They all ran to follow me when I was walking away, and so did an employee.

They all started asking questions at once, Jake grabbed my hand to see if it was OK because one of my knuckles was swelling. I just focused on answering the park employee's questions, because I was worried I'd get in trouble. And it took a lot of focus, my mind was still elsewhere. So I just calmly said that I was groped by a stranger, it was self defense, I'd leave the park if it was going to be a problem.

I really didn't feel like myself again until later that night, when I was home alone.

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So the problem right now, is that I can't get an appointment with my therapist for another 2 weeks, that's her next availability, and my friends and boyfriend are super weirded out by the whole thing, and I don't know how to explain it.

I haven't talked to any of my friends since, but I have talked with my boyfriend. And he basically told me everyone was worried because I seemed unlike myself. I punched a guy, and seemed so calm about it, even calmer than I do on a normal day. When he held my swelling hand afterwards, it was steady, not shaky or jittery. It also came across as really bad, that the first thing I did was throw punches, rather than try to get someone's attention, or yell at him to go away. I went from 0 to 60 immediately.

I tried to justify what I did, saying it was self defense. And I also told him that the calmness was kinda a defense mechanism from growing up in a crappy home life. That I tend to withdraw into my own head under stress. And I got the feeling he didn't feel OK with what happened. He's pulled back, from texting me and seeing me, since this. I don't know what to do, and I don't know if I fully understand how he's feeling.

I also am stressed about how to reach out to my friends, who I haven't spoken to since. Just pretend it didn't happen, and ask to hang out? Tell them the whole truth, like I did in this post, even though I'm afraid I'm going to seem crazy? I also don't know how to feel about all this, myself. It's upsetting that I felt like I'd never have to go to that mental place again, and then it happened.

TLDR - I get very calm and mentally distant, when physically threatened, or in pain. It's a coping mechanism from my childhood. I went to that mental place recently, at a Halloween event with lots of jump scares. Then a stranger groped me, and I punched him, while still in that distant place mentally. My friends and boyfriend saw, and I don't know how to talk to them about it.

Submitted November 01, 2018 at 08:35AM by Throwwwawayy1891 https://ift.tt/2RrDm2B