I've been in a state of....anxiety, despair, depression. A very dark place. For the past few weeks. I am studying in Australia for 3 months and got spiritually married a week before I left. I feel so isolated. After being here, we've gotten in several fights that have shaken me to my core. I feel disrespected, hopeless, and so deeply hurt. This is my first relationship ever.
Essentially, my wife is friends with all of her ex's which I don't have a problem with, with the exception of one. This ex, I'll call S, has overstepped many boundaries like sexting my wife, ignoring my existence, and when they were together, they rarely slept together and they both cheated. I told her this made me uncomfortable that she still talked to her, and she said: "do you want me to stop." I said, "No, that's not my choice to make." So the relationship continues, and we get married eventually after I felt a lot of pressure to propose, I popped the question and a week later we did. I leave, and two days after, my wife says she started going to S's fitness classes. She said they had great convos, etc. I tried to be supportive but it hurt to hear she had hung out with S as soon as I left. Then, for a certain Jewish holiday that happened earlier this fall (forgive me, I forget the name), my wife and S apparently forgave each other for everything and had a crying fest and hung out for several hours. I found it very odd that she forgave my wife for everything as soon as I was out of the picture.
Continuing on, a month passes, things are okay, my wife sends me a video of her playing with a baby, and in the background, I see S. I ask her, and she sheepishly brings up that she and S were hanging out without telling me. I am floored. I always ask that she simply lets me know if she's hanging with S. Nobody else do I have this boundary. I feel super disrespected but carry on as to not start a fight.
Continuing on, I should mention they share a pet. One morning, I am Facetiming my wife, and she is at Whole Foods. I ask what she's up to, and she says going over to S's to make her coffee and hang out. This is not what she had told me the night before when it was a "breakfast date with Doggo" (That's my fake dog name). S is rarely at her parent's house (as she is 36 and lives with her parents), so I figured that she would let herself in as she often does to see Doggo. Not making breakfast for her ex. I am devastated. I push on, for the sake of peace.
Finally, it all comes to a head a few weeks later, a total screaming match over the phone. My wife's reasoning for STILL hanging out with S is because I never put any boundaries in place. To me, a boundary is if I say something makes me uncomfortable, and I mention it a few times. Not "THIS IS A BOUNDARY!!". She said I needed to be explicit, otherwise, it wasn't her responsibility to know. I do not ask her to stop because it's not fair for me to control her. She should make the choice on her own I feel completely disrespected. I get called a controlling little bitch. She says "Do you want me to cut off S. It would destroy my and S's relationship and I am healing by being friends with her." Feeling guilty for obstructing her healing, I say no. I ask simply to keep S out of my life. She said that the other reason she hadn't cut S out is that she thought it would be a "learning/growth opportunity for me" to accept S into my life. I told her I very much disliked S, but would do my very best to accept her and to move along from this flare up. I end the phone call saying: "I'm around if you'd like to talk anymore, besides that, I need to go to be alone." She calls me less than a minute later. We talk for a few hours after that, and laugh and joke as nothing happen.
Things are tense after that. This teeny tiny idea in my head pops up; something I've never considered: "Maybe you and your wife should end things". Once the seed was planted, I couldn't get the thought out of my head. It's all-encompassing now for a month. I begin to grow distant. Then, the final two punches, within a week of each other: I get a text from my wife, "Hey S wants to know if WhatsApp is better, or text to contact you.". I'm furious. But I finally reply, "WhatsApp". I outright told her I didn't want her in my life, and now without really asking, my wife is giving S my info????? So S can feel absolved of all her shitty behavior??
This happened a week ago. Then, Wednesday rolls around and I'm still thinking about how I want to end things, feeling guilty as shit and crying all the time. I talk to my older sister from LA. She says, "Hey, your wife sent me a FaceBook message about S's fitness class in LA and asked me to spread the word...wtf?". I'm PISSED. It's one thing to push S onto me, but my SISTER?? Who my wife never interacts with? To push her ex's classes on HER friends?? I was so so mad. I don't bring it up.
Finally, we have two huge arguments over two days and I tell her all these things. She says "do you not want to be with me?" and I don't have the heart to say yes. I still love her so deeply. I wish I didn't. I tell her, " I still want to be with you." Which is only half true. I do, but I don't. I don't see a future anymore. I love her. I do. But I can't spend my life with her forever.
There are other things too. But these are the main things. I tried to end things but text her an hour later asking if we can try and fix things instead. She says yes. The next day I bring up the two S issues and she was so utterly defensive and did not apologize. I feel very frustrated that she flips it and makes me feel bad. She said to me, " You are controlling me by not making a choice about S, whether or not I can hang out with her." I told her for the third time it's not my choice to make.
We planned a trip as soon as I get back on the 15th next month. Already paid for. Do I go, break up after? Do I not go? I'm confused and hurt. She paid for the majority, I threw in $400 of my sparse money (student on scholarships). Do I break up here? Do I end things at all or just work on them? What do I do? Everyone around me says to break up. I don't know if I can. She's told everyone that we're married. I'm only 19. I'm so afraid. I feel trapped. Please please help me. I'm terrified.
tl;dr : please read for full context, wife ignores my boundaries with her ex, who is very disrespectful, and I don't know if I can continue the relationship or not.
edit: for readability
Submitted November 04, 2018 at 12:17AM by throwwayineedhelp https://ift.tt/2QjiGKa
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