I have been together with my husband nearly a decade prior to marrying him this past year. I had always been certain that he was the person I wanted to commit to spending the remainder of my life with but that resolve recently has been thrown into a disarray.
A couple months after our wedding, he admitted he had an emotional affair with a coworker leading up to and through our wedding. She was the one that ultimately ended it, not him. At the time he admitted this to me, he responded he still had feelings for her due to how she abruptly ended it and that in general he was confused. He said he knew he wanted to be with me but he somehow also built this secondary life where he was also happy with her.
I was devastated of course but spent the next months trying to reconcile with him. My requirements were that he not actively engage in conversation or interaction with her. I never said he had to actively ignore her but interactions were to be limited to very surface level and for the sake of not being rude. (IE, if SHE greeted him, he could return the greeting but was to not engage).
He didn’t agree right away but eventually agreed the following day. Following this, things started getting better for the most part.
I later learned he had been still actively communicating with her on occasion. (Was sporadic and short from what I was able to learn; so not consistent conversation). Despite the “low intensity” of the conversation I was hurt because again this was occurring behind my back and he was going against what I asked - for him to not actively seek out interaction. We fought over this and I told him I want him to now actively cut her out. If she reached out, too bad, no response.
Well, this disagreement/fight trailed on for a week when he finally admitted to me he still really wanted to maintain a friendship with her. Over the months he realized that he wasn’t seeking the romantic relationship he originally sought out with her. The connection he felt was “as if he found a long lost best friend and he foolishly confused that with romantic interest.” He insisted that the relationship he truly wants with her is a platonic relationship and that he knows without a doubt that I am the person he wants to be.
While I appreciated the honestly he has shared with his feelings (he struggles with talking about how he is feeling and has always been a working point between us) I am still very hurt by this. I want him to cut her out and he wants to maintain a friendship with her. Further, leading up to this recent fight, he has actively been working on building that friendship with her anyway so his admission of wanting to be friends wasn’t any inquiry of any kind but more so an admission of intent and has included him continuing to make and give gifts for her as well as trying to meet outside of work. (Note. Gifts aren’t too out of ordinary for him, he often brings food and stuff for friends but him making gifts is kind of new).
I was not okay with this due to the continuous secrecy, the start of their relationship and the fact she returned his feelings of affection. (Nothing physical he promised, but still on the level of an emotional affair - poems, confiding in each other, expressions of a desire to cook dinner for each other, hang out and cuddle in front of tv, etc).
So. I told him I was going to leave him last Saturday Morning. (We own a home together so I didn’t leave immediately. I was expressing intent at the time). He didn’t take this first claim serious because on Sunday afternoon he made a comment to “we should travel to xxx”. Realizing he didn’t think I was serious I repeated that I was going to leave him due to his unrelenting desire to keep her in his life and that I will not be in his life if he rather have her in his life.
At this point he began expressing how this was unfair of me, how he only wanted friendship and wanted to be with me, and how he couldn’t understand how I would allow a friendship end out near decade of time together.
I was insulted.
I explained that this was disrespectful. How I am not comfortable because he LITERALLY was writing her love poems every morning, how he continued to maintain contact in secrecy. He could not understand my point of view despite all of this explanation. (Yes there were tears as we fought over this but I have been working on remaining as logical and composed as possible to avoid overlooking his perspective).
In short, I am struggling to understand how I am in the wrong. I believe this is a very either or, wrong and right scenario. I think he is wrong to expect me to be okay with him maintaining this relationship in any level and that my feelings of insult and disrespect are fairly rooted in that this relationship stemmed from a secret romantic emotional affair in which feelings were mutual.
My advice need is understanding if I am wrong to any degree and how I should move forward.
We are currently on a break, living in the same home but different rooms, and are keeping this private (bad timing with holidays, and more).
I was able to get him to agree we will talk with his sister about this to get outside perspective but won’t be able to do that until next week. I have also realized that my want for this break and this talk is stemmed from my desire to have someone prove to him that he is dead wrong. If that is how I am feeling have I already decided that I need to leave? Am I foolish for still wanting to make this work? How do I handle fears of this being a continuous cycle that I can’t break (even when I told him I was ending it a part of me wanted him to make things right)? and most importantly, am I wrong? If so, why? Is this not a wrong and right situation?
TLDR; Husband had emotional affair leading up to and through our wedding and “no longer has romantic interest in her but wishes to be friends” even though I told him it is her or me.
Submitted November 17, 2018 at 05:00AM by october_anon https://ift.tt/2PYKlTN
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