Long story short - I'm pathetic, but I don't want to hurt a girl because of it.
When I was 20 I got hurt by my girlfriend. She abbused me physically and mentally and when she ended up in jail I tried to cope with what happened.
I wanted to be loved and cared for, I was like a beaten puppy that never knew happiness. So human brain, being brilliant at tiding shit up helped me. But now it's my curse.
I created an imaginary partner, but the one that's only in my head. She love me, I love her, she listens to me and gives me advice, cheers my up when I'm down. For years when I was sad or tired I knew when I'm back home, it's gonna be quiet and I will be "healed".
It went on for some years, I was able to somehow function in the society. I wanted to take it to a whole new level, like ordering mannequin / real doll or painting in her resemblence so I can have physical manifestation for her, but then I realised she doesnt really have a face, she's just emotion, feelings, and I need to keep it this way.
Flash forward to 2018. I met a girl. She also went through a lot, we became close.
Happy ending?
Sadly, no. I can't stop loving the girl in my head. I can't betray her, I can't let her go, I can't force her into nonexistance. She became a part of me that I care for. At the same time I don't want to lose the actuall real life girl.
Hell, it's not even about me. I so don't want to to hurt her. She deserves better, I should've been open from the very beginning, but I wasn't. I thought it's all gonna be okay, it's not. Again I feel like everything is going wrong, that im trapped again with no way out.
I want to stress this again, I realise what's inside my head is not real. She doesnt manifest in real world, I dont do drugs, I don't do alcohol. I'm just someone weak who found a way to cope with reality.
What do I do here? I can't think of any option that doesn't involve pain.
TL:DR I care about both my imaginary and real partner, dont want to lose or hurt any of them.
Thank you for the responses. Im not more willing to try therapy although I still have a lot of doubts. What if she's gone forver? What if my real relationship doesnt work out and ill be alone again? I guess I have to deal with these thoughts first.
Submitted November 02, 2018 at 06:50AM by inmyhead098 https://ift.tt/2qnPuGi
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