[25f] I've been walking on eggshells around my husband's [28m] strange family [mid 60s] since we moved into their house two years ago. We have a plan to move out pretty soon but in the meantime how can we deal with this situation?

My Husband [28m] and I [25f] have been living in a house owned by his family, that no one technically lives in but various family members constantly come through. Due to some money issues and being in an area where rent is extremely high ex. $1,200 for a studio, $1500ish for 1BR, it's been almost impossible to get our own place. His mother propositioned us with this under the conditions that we take care of general upkeep of the house, make sure no one breaks in, take care of the cat whose owner passed away, and do repairs if need be. We have offered to pay rent many times over the course of our stay here because we don't like the idea of living for free. They refuse every single time. I believe that they won't accept rent because renters reserve certain rights to their living space and they don't want to have to give up having complete control of us and what we do.

I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells because of how controlling the situation is. Even when I am going above and beyond to do everything by the book and exactly how they want it, they find new things to throw into the mix because I think that they feel powerless unless there are things to hold over my head. The rules they lay down for us are absolutely insane. My husband doesn't mind being treated this way because in his upbringing and the upbringing of most people he grew up around, it's considered relatively normal for parents to pretty much own their children until they've graduated from university, but understands that it's a huge deal to me and really doesn't want to see me hurting. I'm from a part of the US where most people either live on their own or go to college on their own while holding a steady job by the time they turn 18; this is for the most part unheard of where he's from.

He grew up with most of these rules in place and doesn't mind taking all the blame for situations where we're both 'in trouble' for some arbitrary thing. Here's a few of the things we have to abide by/deal with:

• No food upstairs or in "comfort areas". All food has to be eaten at "eating areas". Not on the couch, bed, standing up, or anywhere except the "eating table." Food is supposed to be for sustenance, not comfort.
• We can't decorate, burn candles, hang pictures, or have anything in the house that might make it seem like we ACTUALLY live there.
• We can't have guests unless the entire family has had a conference about it first, or met the parents of said guests.
• Any food or drink has to be in a glass or on a plate. Even if it's water from a water jug or a gatorade bottle, as soon as the lid is cracked someone's coming up behind us with a glass. Even if it's baby carrots from a bag, nope, needs a plate under it. A plate for the ones you're eating and another plate for the bag.
• Anything we eat is subject to scrutiny, judgement, and occasionally calorie counting. Going up for seconds is frowned upon even if there's plenty of food left over, there's always going to be a death stare or some kind of comment about the obesity epidemic.
• To add to that, last year we were eating so little for fear of judgement that we'd have to sneak food into the house undetected late at night after his family went to bed. He'd put on three or four coats, go to a restaurant, and buy food to hide in the pockets so we'd have something to eat before bed without being scolded or chastised.
• Items or products we use (things we buy ourselves, not anyone else's) are subject to scrutiny to make sure we're using them correctly. There is a right and a wrong way to use mouthwash, q-tips, open a box of cereal, sit in a chair, do dishes, laundry, pretty much any generic household task, and god forbid if any of those are done 'the wrong way'.
• We have no privacy at all and they go through our garbage every time we throw something away, not to be controlling but because "you might accidentally throw away something useful". They take my husband's old socks and underwear out of his trash to use as cleaning rags, so lately he's been going to the 7/11 down the street to throw away all his old underwear.
• Our time is considered to be not as valuable as everyone else's time. My husband is frequently late to work because his family asks him to do a bunch of things as he's heading out the door; any protests are met with "you live here for free, don't complain".
• "You live here for free, don't complain" is the sentiment whenever we have any kind of legitimate issue with the way we're being treated.

My husband doesn't particularly like or agree with any of these rules but he grew up with them and is more tolerant of them. He grew up in a community where it was fairly common for parents to lord over their kids and set up activities and curfews until they'd graduated from college, at which point they were considered adults. He's mentioned that he finds it very odd that they still treat him this way, as most of his friends and peers stopped being 'children' around age 22-23 and his parents still treat him like he's a school kid. I did not grow up in this kind of community or culture and it's very odd to me; I've had a lot of independence since I was very young.

Because of this, his family has the tendency to treat me like I'm a lost little street urchin who doesn't understand discipline or know right from wrong. I've done nothing to give that impression. They give me step by step instructions on very basic concepts, like wiping a counter with a rag, raking leaves, doing dishes, doing my own job (I'm a freelancer), and on occasion they'll give my husband step by step instructions on how to do his own job despite the fact that they've never worked a job like either of us have. They do it as if they're bestowing some hidden knowledge that there's no way I would know without their help. It makes me feel belittled and insulted especially since I've been doing almost all of this since I was 5 or 6 years old.

When my mom came to visit last year we decided to go fishing and they made a grand show of 'teaching' her how to put a worm on a hook, how to cast, very basic stuff, essentially treating her like a child who didn't know any better. My mom grew up in the country and has been fishing her whole life. After we left they pulled my husband aside and told him to keep an eye on us to make sure we're not doing it wrong; he tried to reassure them that we know exactly what we're doing and they didn't believe him.

We tried to move out at one point but his mom somehow convinced our landlord to make her a key, and after that she and all his family members would come over and hang out and tell us what to do there too. We'd get home from a friend's house or something and they'd be waiting there so they could lecture us on the dishes in the sink or the dust in our bedroom. My husband complained to the landlord and she told us we were just being dramatic and that his family members seem like nice people.

We have a plan to get out of here and move several thousand miles from here in about ten weeks, that's the soonest we'll have enough for a down payment on our own place. For the record, he's sitting next to me, agrees with everything I've written, and we're anxiously awaiting responses.

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tl;dr: Living with husband and his family in a crazy house. Clearly these people are going to be his family for the rest of our lives whether we move or not (and trust me we're moving as far away as we can, as soon as we can). How can I help my husband understand that this situation is absolutely not normal and possibly un-brainwash him? How can I cope with this situation for my own sake, before and after we move?

Submitted November 26, 2018 at 07:17PM by aliengrrrrrl https://ift.tt/2ScVuOc