My [M 50s] wife [F 50s] of 23 years is under investigation for inappropriate relationship with a student. We both teach at the same university.

Like the title says, my wife is currently the subject of an investigation into one of her graduate students' allegations that my wife behaved inappropriately towards her. The student is 24. My wife has been placed on leave until the conclusions of the investigation.

The accusations include "sexting" from my wife to the student, suggestion that she might receive better letters of recommendation from my wife in exchange for sexual favors, unprofessional settings for meetings ostensibly about the student's upcoming MA thesis proposal (bars, our house when I was away for a weekend), and inappropriate physical contact like massages and comparing bra sizes.

From what I understand, things went south as soon as my wife made sex a condition of the recommendation letters. That was the point where the student reported everything. I don't know to what extent everything before then was consensual. Usually in these cases, students can appear to be freely participating but in reality they feel pressured to go along with it to protect their grades and careers. There is a power imbalance.

My wife swears it was consensual and that the student initated it. You can rest assured I do not take that at face value. Like the title says, I'm also a professor at this school, although in a very different department. I'm not oblivious to the reality of inappropriate relationships between students and the older people who are supposed to be their mentors. The reality is that there is an undeniable element of coercion at play.

I have asked my wife to stay elsewhere while this is sorted out because I have a lot of thinking to do.

Regardless of what the committee concludes, my wife definitively cheated. From there the additional possibilities only get worse. I'm more or less decided that I'll soon be speaking to a divorce lawyer.

My question is not about what to do with my wife, but with my colleagues. It's known that we're married. I imagine it's known in her department why she is on leave. The fall semester is about to start, and I'm dreading being the subject of gossip. My reputation will now be "the husband of that woman who harassed her student." Or, among a sympathetic minority in her department, perhaps "the guy who divorced his wife over a false allegation."

I'm wary of talking about this with anyone I know in my personal life. I'm a pretty private person. I keep a strong boundary between my personal and professional lives. Unfortunately this situation has probably broken that down.

I'd be grateful for any advice on how to respond to anyone at school who brings this up.

Lastly, and I'm not sure it even matters now, but there's the issue of all the ways my wife broke my trust. It's not just the cheating, it's also how she always presented herself as someone ethically offended by teacher-student relationships. She had never given me reason to think she was anything other than staunchly opposed, as you'd hope and expect from anyone working in education. I feel she betrayed me in terms of her values, not just her fidelity. Leading me for years to think she believed something that she then acted opposite of. She also kept her sexual orientation a secret from me - she always identified as straight, didn't give any signs contrary.

Is it even worth trying to make sense of who she is as a person given all those deceptions? I feel completely lost underneath the anger, like I never actually knew her. I don't understand it.

TL;DR: My wife is under investigation for having an inappropriate relationship with a student. I'm struggling with how to navigate it with colleagues who know both of us. I'm also struggling with figuring out my wife's true character.

Submitted August 28, 2018 at 10:06AM by FantasticDoughnut https://ift.tt/2MVah0W