I [30M] have a horrible relationship with my family despite them all being decent human beings.

TL;DR: I feel constantly annoyed/irritable when interacting with my family and I don't know why.

So I am the oldest of my siblings - have a younger brother who is 28 and a sister who is 23. Both my parents are still together. For some reason I find it extremely difficult to interact with my family members. Whenever I am around them or whenever they call or text I become super irritable - will give one word responses, will ignore them, lash out - part of my brain constantly thinks that they are asking ridiculous questions, being nosy, being obnoxious, etc. The other part of my brain knows that they are just trying to make conversation, check in to see how things are going with me, and generally care about me. I know my irritability is irrational, yet I cannot seem to stop my behavior and interact with them in a normal, positive, loving manner. It sucks. I want nothing more than to have a positive relationship with them but for some reason I cannot.

I was never abused in anyway growing up. My parents did fight a lot but nothing too out of the ordinary. One thing however that has definitely had an effect on me is my brother being diagnosed with cancer (multiple times) in our childhood. Many trips/stays in the hospital, me being left with relatives, lots of emotions for everyone in the family. I consciously hold no resentment toward my parents for the amount of attention that my brother received (he needed it, deserved it, they still loved me/did things with me), but I feel like somehow that has had an effect on my relationship with my family. Him and I specifically have a pretty terrible relationship. I feel horrible because I feel somewhat responsible for him - a good big brother would hang out with him, teach him how to be a good person, help him socially - yet we rarely hang out. And he is living at home, relationshipless, friendless, dresses poorly, has zero social skills, etc.

Sometimes I wish they were awful people so I could cut them out of my life. But they're not. So I try to interact with them, go over on Sundays, go to dinner, etc, but I still feel so much irritability toward them. I can usually hide it if other relatives or a girlfriend is around but when it's just us it's almost impossible. I know that I am the problem and I am starting to very much believe that I'm a pretty pathetic/disgusting person.

Submitted July 31, 2018 at 04:33PM by hatingmyself23e https://ift.tt/2n1XN9i