good enough reason [25f] to bow out of wedding party for friend [25f]?

I (25f) just went through the bachelorette for an old friend [25f] and after, I realize that I do not want to attend this wedding. I'm struggling to figure out whether to bow out or to stick it out, and would really love some help thinking this through.

Bride and I were close in college. When we were 21/seniors, she met her now-fiance. Textbook codependent, change in personality, unable to be happy unless physically in his presence (e.g., would be very sad and close to tears about how much she misses him, even knowing he's picking her up for dinner in two hours and they see each other daily), stopped hanging out with friends. Dramatic personality change.

After college, she stopped keeping in touch with me/rest of bridal party; all of us used to be close in school, and Bride would not respond to group texts/text us individually, decline group skype calls, etc. Rarely initiated. I got maybe one or two texts per year. Here's where I'll note that she is, to our knowledge, not in an abusive relationship; regarding communication, her fiance has recognized Bride has not made new friends after college (outside of his) and tried to encourage her to reach out to her friends and also privately asked me to stay in touch with her more. Bride acknowledged to me two years ago that she wants to, but hasn't done much to stay in touch.

Fast forward to today. I'm a bridesmaid for this wedding.

​

Our dynamic going in:

1. She has no clue what's really going on in any of our lives for the past four years. Nor has she asked. We got texts asking us to be bridesmaids and said yes (although she forgot to actually ask bridesmaid #4, but just texted her the bridesmaid dress color one day "for your bridesmaid dress at my wedding!"...). We theorized that she might be aware she's not as close to us as she used to be, but also that she'd be unprepared to witness just how close to each other the rest of us have remained --> We thought that, for just a weekend, we could try to tone down how obvious it was that the rest of us knew about each other's lives (e.g., we asked each other questions about someone's job, or SO, or family that we knew the answers to and acted like we were hearing them for the first time, and also that way the Bride could hear a recap of major life events without feeling left out). We thought it would be easy. We were wrong.
2. After she met Fiance and her personality changed dramatically, she said explicitly to us at the end of college that she vastly dislikes and feels uncomfortable when the 4 of us talk about "anything that's unhappy", including unhappy personal issues, news, politics/social issues, etc. Considering all of us work in some field for which at least one of the above is highly relevant (two are educators, one tests for employer discrimination based on gender/race, and one is an environmental engineer), this is a big part of our identity that we tried to tone down for her sake during the weekend --> We also thought this part would be easy for a weekend, but once we started we realized this meant we couldn't be ourselves around her.
3. Bachelorette planning is a struggle because we don't know what she would like anymore. We plan several options to present to her during the weekend to cater to various aspects of her personality that we remember from college and try to cover our bases: Rented a suite. Really nice food places. A spa day. Rooftop bars. Speakeasy option. Girl's Night In. Strip club. Regular club. Jazz club and pool. We keep the itinerary a surprise beforehand, although we did ask during planning if there were certain things she wanted. No input.

Notable moments from bachelorette:

1. Bride had stated (not asked if anyone was available...) that bachelorette would be in Manhattan from a Monday to Wednesday. As most of the bridal party did not live in NYC and all of us work, it took an effort to persuade and explain why a weekend would be better.
2. Upon sharing the itinerary, the response was a scoff and a "Are those my only options? That's it?" and when I offer to find something else and ask her what vibe she wants to go for, because I'm sure NYC will have something for whatever mood she's in, she says "I don't know. I don't really have a vibe in mind. So what other options can you offer me?"
3. Asked three times if the rooftop bars had a pool. The third time we explained that no sadly the ones we thought of didn't have a pool but we are going to a spa beforehand that will have pools, she says condescendingly, "Well, when my fiance had his bachelor party in New York, his best man [who has significant financial and real estate assets the rest of us do not] got him a rooftop bar with a pool. But I guess I'm just supposed to settle for one without a pool."
4. We were unprepared for how very awkward and stilted (and sometimes painfully silent) the conversation was, in part because we assumed after not seeing someone for 4 years there would be lots of questions to ask and things to catch up on about our respective lives. We were wrong. Bride did not ask questions. Attempts to ask Bride deeper/personal questions were met with very shallow answers. It was like trying to row a boat with only one person rowing. We had to try really hard not to devolve into usual topics the 4 of us would talk about with each other because they veered into Bride-does-not-like-territory.
5. A few members of bridal parties had some difficult personal moments leading up to this weekend (family concerns, etc.). As part of dinner conversation, after we ran out of topics to talk about with her we asked one of the bridesmaids how she was holding up with XYZ. Bride: "I'm sure everything will work out. Now let's get back to talking about me."
6. Bride shared her plan for her wedding is to have very few items on purpose for her registry so that everyone will give her cash. Laughed at how silly she thinks her fiance is for insisting they put items on the registry so people can gift at different price points.
7. We had almost one personal conversation and then it got shut down. People were discussing smoking and she mentioned offhandedly how she felt extremely peer pressured by Fiance/his friends to smoke every time he did and that she did not want to/has not ever wanted to but did everytime and hated it. When one bridesmaid (i thought, very gently) broached the concept that she had the right to say no if she didn't want to, and that there can be relationships where significant others elect to do different things (e.g., 1 smokes and the other SO doesn't), that discussion got stonewalled; she's not comfortable having conversations with us that delve beyond the surface level and get into potentially some areas of vulnerability. Some other things were shared that were eyebrow-raising (to me, not her) and made me feel weird about standing up by the altar to symbolically support this union.
8. There was no thank you during the whole weekend while we were together. No acknowledgement of the amount of work and expense and travel (one of us flew from SF) that went into this weekend beyond a "thanks for partying with me" text message delivered after she left the bachelorette.

why i don't want to go

I had envisioned a weekend of conversation catching up with her. Based on this weekend and the last four years, I don't think she'd reach out to me ever again after the wedding unless she really needed something. I'm also not particularly excited at the idea of spending another thousand dollars on someone who doesn't know me and who doesn't like it when people talk about things like racism because it makes her uncomfortable. I also feel like while we had a good run in college of which I will forever have fond memories, we don't know each other anymore.

why i should maybe go

However...she clearly is out of practice when it comes to being a friend so with more interaction she might be better in the future (she's made no new girlfriends since college that weren't friends of her fiance). Given how uncomfortable she is with unpleasant conversations, I'm not sure one would do any good if I talked to her about some of these issues. Additionally, after the bachelorette the rest of the bridal party all said that now the only reason they'd go to this wedding is to see and hang out with each other. I'm afraid, with good reason, that if I do bail on this wedding, that at least one other bridesmaid would follow suit. I also feel bad at the thought of her not having a lot of "her people" there on her special day, and it would be sad to end the relationship this way.

tldr; bride and i [bridesmaid] are old friends who fell out of touch. we each changed as life went on. reunited at her unpleasant bachelorette and realized i do not want to spend any additional time with her, or on her. should i stick it out until the wedding?

Submitted August 28, 2018 at 09:23PM by esaelpempleh77 https://ift.tt/2MXktWH