My wife (42F) and I (44F) have been together for 7 years. Six months ago we got married and moved in together. A few weeks ago, we invited her dad (86M) to come live with us. I say invited, but he has dementia, limited mobility, and other health issues and was losing his housing and caretaker, so their family didn't have any other options for him. I was thankful we had the resources to help, and we both work from home. I like old folks, and my only real worry was whether he'd be happy here and if we could do a good job keeping him healthy.
He seems to be doing good so far! His health is stable, he loves our dogs & they love him, he seems to be in a decent mood most days (though he is definitely curmudgeonly) and he loves telling stories. Spends most of his time in a sunny living room watching westerns & I've heard him tell people on the phone how much he likes it here.
But my wife's stress level seems to be at an 11 all day long. She started a new job the same week he moved in, so it's been a ton of big changes for her at once, and she's a bit of a worrier by nature. Many things my FIL does and says seems to stress her out. The way she interacts with him often sounds annoyed, and she argues with him sometimes over things that don't really matter. I don't want to interfere with their relationship, and she certainly knows more about caring for him that I do, but living around this is stressing ME out and making me sad.
She went out of town for work this weekend and the household has felt much peaceful, and I've felt much calmer. I hate even saying that. But I think when she's here, my impulse is to try to take care of her and sooth her stress/mood. When she's here, we split his care tasks pretty evenly, but even handling them all myself, the emotional load seems lighter. I know this is all easier for me because I never knew this man before he had dementia. I don't have any comparison to his old self in my head, so I'm able just take him as he is.
I'm looking for advice on how to better insulate myself from her stress, protect my own peace, keep things chill for my FIL, and maybe help my wife mentally reframe this time with her dad and adjust her approach to him, if that's possible?
TL;DR: My wife and I became caretakers for her disabled dad. It seems to be going well, but she's stressed to the max, and it's stressing me out, and I don't know how to help.
Submitted February 25, 2023 at 08:29AM by 2ndbesttime https://ift.tt/9NA5uTQ
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