I normally don't ask for advice on Internet but my wife refused therapy and I don't know what else to do. I will try to be as exhaustive as possible.
Before our son, Mike, was born, me (38M) and my wife, Andrea (35F), were inseparable. We used to do everything together, support each other in time of need and enjoy each other company in everyday events.
After 6 years together (3 of dating+3 of marriage), we had our child, Mike. While Andrea was pregnant, we always discussed about the thousands of things we wanted to do as a family.
Problem is that after Mike was born, I was basically excluded from all these things.
I had an abusive father so I promised myself I would try to be the best father possible for my son.
In the first few months, Andrea was in maternity leave, while I kept working. I work 7-15 5 days a week so everyday I got out of work, went home and took care of Mike while my wife got some rest, then I cooked dinner and help around the house. I keep this routine even now, except now I sometimes take 1 hour to run some errands.
After her maternity leave ended, I asked her what she wanted to do: go back to work or be a SAHM ( I was ok with both options) and she decided to go back to work, so my mom started taking care of Mike while we were working ( my grandma used to take care of me when I was little and my mom offered to do the same for Mike).
During the first 2 years I noticed my wife was distancing herself from me. We had no "us" time ( I thought it was simply because we had less free time due to Mike) and she was always a bit cold with me. I tried to ask if there was something wrong but she said everything was fine.
Things got really weird once Mike started going to kindergarten. It wouldn't be rare for me to there to pick him up only to find out my wife had already gone in my place without saying anything. I would call but nobody would answer and once they got home, her excuse was that she wanted some alone time with Mike and she had turned off her phone. It happened so many time that one of the teachers started asking me if we were divorced and had trouble deciding who had to pick Mike up.
She became colder as the years passed: I would wake up during the weekend only to find that she took Mike out without even waking me up.
I particularly remember one time, 5 years ago: I have to do a check up at the hospital once a month (nothing serious). One Saturday I got home from the hospital to find she had taken Mike out. I thought they maybe went to the park so I cleaned the house and prepared lunch. They didn't come home. I tried calling, phone was off. I waited until the afternoon, then I started getting worried if something serious had happened. I called my mother and her parents to see if they were there but they weren't. I tried to stay calm and not to think bad things. I prepared dinner and waited. At 21 I lost my composure, took the car and went to search for them. I checked the park, the hospital, I called her best friend, I even called her sister who lives 4 hours away.
I got home at 23, ready to call the police, only to find that in the meantime Andrea had come home, ate dinner and put Mike to bed and was in bed, as if everything was normal. I tried to stay calm but I couldn't. I blew up in her face, telling her how worried I was. Her answer? " You are blowing things out of proportions. You knew Mike was with me and I would have called if there was a problem.".
I'm doing my best so that my son has an happy childhood: I take care of him, help him with home works (I even started re-learning french to help him with them), play with him, teach him things and listen to him whenever he has a problem. I never discuss my problems with Andrea when he could hear and I try not to look angry whenever he is present. Despite that, he is now 10 and he is realizing that something is wrong between me and Andrea.
On the "couple side" of the relationships, things are not better: Andrea barely interact with me. We have no time alone. Even when my mom or her parents offer to take care of Mike for one day so that we have a bit of free time, she refuses. Intimacy is not a thing. I proposed her to go on a date many times but she refused, stating that we have no time, or that she has to do something else or that she is tired.
I asked my best friend, Sarah, what I could do and she suggested trying to remind Andrea how much we love each other by recreating the day we got together.
Our first date was quite particular: we went to a restaurant with a couple of friends. This restaurant had a dance floor and after dinner, couples could choose to partecipate in a dance competition. The winning couple got a free dinner. Me and Andrea were only friends at the time but all our friends were there with their partners so we had decided to participate together even though we were not a couple. In what I can only define as a miracle, we won ( we are good at dancing but I didn't think we were THAT good).
Unfortunately that restaurant closed due to the virus but I still had some photos of that night. Sarah offered her help and we spent weeks recreating decorations, assets and other things. I took the day of our anniversary off and me and Sarah transformed my living room in a copy of the restaurant. I cooked the dishes we ate that night, bought a copy of the dresses we wore and Sarah and her GF, Monica, offered to act as our waitresses ( they offered to do it for free but I insisted on paying them a symbolic amount of money).
I left Mike with my mom and her parents ( they are friends and decided to do a movie night together at her parents' house.)
Everything was perfect but it was useless: Andrea got home, saw everything we did, asked about it, I explained the idea, she scoffed, asked where Mike was, we ate dinner in an awkward silence and she went to bed. Sarah and Monica apologized for proposing the idea and left.
I reached my limit. I'm not violent ( never even throw a punch, except to a wall once) but I knew I wasn't in a good state of mind in that moment, so I left. I went to her parents' house, explained the situation briefly, took a copy of my mother's house key and went to sleep to her house. I'm there right now. Andrea has called a couple times to ask where I was, when I would come home and if Mike was with me ( he is. He came back with my mom this morning).
I don't know what to do. I don't know what's the problem, why things are the way they are and I don't know how to solve the situation.
TL;DR: Since our son was born, my wife has barely acknowledge my presence. Despite multiple attempts, things are only getting worse, yet she insists everything is fine and refuses therapy. I don't know what to do to fix this mess and I don't know what caused it.
Submitted February 04, 2023 at 03:31AM by ThrowRapapa https://ift.tt/krIqD9e
No comments:
Post a Comment