I want to have an orgasm with my boyfriend but he thinks I'm putting all the responsibility to do so on him.

I [F31] want to experience an orgasm with my boyfriend [M36]. I have not had one with any previous partner. I have vaginismus that causes the vagina to tighten when anything goes in there, resulting in pain when the object is moving. When I first met my boyfriend, I really loved him and was excited for the potential orgasm with him because I thought he was a great guy and someone I could be myself with. But having penetrative sex with him was still painful, less than with other partners but still painful, meanwhile he was discovering he could have multiple orgasms back to back.

It felt unfair and uneven, and he wasn't doing anything for me so I asked him why and he said, I should have told him to do so. I felt a little surprised by that because I thought it was obvious. My boyfriend unfortunately was only in one relationship with another girl and he had no idea if she had gotten there at all, because she never really said that she did, or showed him how to do much. I, on the other hand, have had multiple partners for a few months, to a year at a time, and oral never really felt like much to me, and nor fingers. (usually the touch was too heavy)

I don't know what works for me and my boyfriend keeps asking me what works and I say I don't know. I tell him I think we need to experiment and explore together to see what works. But it's like dancing, he literally does not know what to do first. I told him to look online for techniques to start with. He says online only says to ask the girl what she wants. Either that or, "we can't do that technique because it works for that person. I need to know what works for you." Honestly, it really surprised me that he needs so much instruction just to start because when I messed around with my partners, I read techniques online first and brought them to the bedroom, and I had no idea what I was doing or what worked but I just dived in. I had ideas of things I want to try or play with. My boyfriend has none. And he looks up nothing, or at least he doesn't devote much time searching or reading things. He says if I'm so good at finding things, I should send him links.

So I do and he'll say it's not helpful. I can orgasm by myself within 10 minutes easily. He has done oral on me, but the problem is I need to concentrate on building up what I'm feeling with my mind. It doesn't always instantly feel good. He says he needs feedback from me, but I can't tell him if what he's doing feels good or bad yet because it takes a few minutes to start to feel anything good. And even then with oral, I don't feel much. It mostly feels warm but I don't feel the tongue, or sometimes it's the opposite, and I'm feeling it too much like it's over sensitive, which isn't pleasant.

Having vaginismus, on top of not feeling much from oral, has frustrated me for many years. I feel so unattractive, who would want to do anything sexual with me when it doesn't work. Lately, the pain has gotten worse, and when my boyfriend does the pull out method, and then tries to go back in, it burns so bad that I end up crying and feeling angry that it's not working, and feeling jealous of my partner (which I'm not trying to feel).

I've tried to sit between his legs and direct his finger down there to show him how I do it to myself but then he keeps asking me "How? How often a motion?" I answer and then he'll ask, "How much pressure?" I answer and he'll ask. "For how long?" I know that we're suppose to be communicating but it's kind of annoying because it's like he needs a ton of information upfront, before he can even start and it seems excessive. And when I answer, it seems like it's not helpful. I say just try something or just start. I want him to just start moving his finger in some kind of motion so I can adjust it, so I can say "lighter" or "faster". It's like he needs to be absolutely sure this combination is going to work for me, and he can't start if it doesn't because he's not comfortable with doing pointless things that don't have a means to an end. I tell him, you just kind of feel what works or have an idea to start with.

He said he can't feel what I'm feeling so it's impossible to know everything. I feel like he's being to absolute about it and not letting himself relax about the "rules". I told him it's suppose to be fun and you think of things you want to try and try them out. I ask him is there anything he's ever wanted to try on a girl, and he's got nothing, no ideas, no fantasies, nothing. I don't understand him.

It feels uncomfortable being the only one researching and having fantasies I want to try on him but yet there's nothing for me. I don't feel desired, I mean he'll give me kisses and hugs and grab my butt, but when it comes to this, he's like "tell me how to do everything" and "send me links you find" and then I do that and, "that doesn't help me" and a bunch of specific questions I don't know how to answer like "how much pressure?"

I told him I wanted to stop having sex until we figured this out. Because it's literally hurting me and I cry and I also don't get pleasured, while he can 3 times or more (if I can handle the pain). So I figured he'd start trying to research on his own. I bought him a book to read, She Comes First, and asked him to read it many, many times, he finally did and he complained to me how crazy some of the techniques were.

I told him I wanted to have a session where we try some of the things in the book, or try some techniques we find online together. He said okay, just tell me when you're free and ready. I told him a day. Things got busy and that session never happened. It left his mind but it hasn't left mine. I feel like he doesn't care; I waited like a month to see if he would ask me again when I wanted to try again. But he hasn't asked me. He mentioned once that we need to figure me out still. But he didn't ask me for a specific day. Then the other night, I got upset and asked if he was even interested in still trying and he said yes, but I have to give him a day. And I was like, "Why didn't you think to just ask me? Don't you care?" Why is it on me to pick the day, find the techniques, tell you exactly what works? Why doesn't he just think to do this stuff too? Clearly nothing I find or say helps! He got mad at me saying, it's frustrating to do things that don't work, and I'm putting it all on him to figure this out and that I'm refusing to take an active role in making things work and that also, I'm not saying what I want, I'm just staying silent and then getting mad when my needs aren't being met. I think, but he KNOWS this is a need I have. Why would it have changed since the last time I asked for a session? The session didn't happen that day. The need doesn't go away. I honestly wonder how long we would have gone with no intimacy until he asked me when I want the next session to be. Probably forever.

I guess I want him to take charge and do some of the things I would do, but he seems so inflexible and wants to be so sure. Maybe I am making assumptions, but I don't know what to do or who's right.

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[TLDR]: My boyfriend needs a lot of instruction in the bedroom and I'm inexperienced myself so I can't tell him exactly what works. I've suggested us having a session that's focused on just me, where we try different techniques, but he wants me to do all the research, pick the day, and tell him exactly what to do, yet my research and my instruction doesn't seem to help him. I waited for him to do the research and pick a day, and I got mad when he didn't and now he's mad at me because he says I'm putting all of the responsibility on him to make this happen. He also says he doesn't get any feedback from me in the bedroom yet I told him it doesn't feel like much to begin with so it's hard for me to say whether it's good or bad. I told him to keep going no matter if there's a reaction or not. I don't know what else to do? Am I not communicating well? Any ideas?

Submitted July 09, 2022 at 01:33AM by problem_girl16 https://ift.tt/E0uXo1l