My partner (DFH 24) is very idealistic about his son / my StepSon (SS 2) and projects his own personality on him.

My fiancé is a wonderful man, so I’m not trying to write a post indicting him. I’m just in that weird spot where we aren’t married (Covid delay) and I’m not the bio parent of SS 2, so I feel like I have to navigate this very carefully.

My partner only sees his son once or twice a month for a day at a time, because BabyMomma (BM) lives states away. He’s in court right now trying to get partial custody in summertime, and it’s likely SS will at some point come to stay with us for a bit.

The biggest problem is my fiancé saying how excited he is for SS to come stay with us, because SS behaves like an angel for us and absolutely terrorizes his mom. My partner thinks this angelic behavior will last, but I know kids push boundaries with those they’re most comfortable around. If kiddo slaps / bites / throws dirt at BM over FaceTime calls, he is going to do the exact same thing once he’s comfy around us two. My fiancé insists that’s not true and his son respects and loves him too much to treat him the way he acts toward his mother.

Another issue is my fiancé projecting his own personality onto SS. For example, he’ll talk about how much SS loves wildlife, and I have to suppress a giggle because kiddo is TERRIFIED of everything from ducklings to ladybugs. Fiancé insists SS is always happy and giggling, but he’s actually a very serious and thoughtful little guy— you have to really earn his smiles, which makes them special.

Fiancé also takes issue with how BM dresses their son (like a jock! She’s trying to make him tough but he’s just a sensitive little guy, he will never be like that, he hates sports)....SS is very high energy and loves soccer, dirt and being active.

Also...he’s two. He’s only two. And if he ever behaves outside the personality my fiancé projects onto him, my fiancé either ignores the behavior or seems baffled / confused. It’s like he’s more concerned with his son being just like him rather than letting his son be who he is. I think part of the problem is my fiancé doesn’t want to see anything of BM in their kid— they both absolutely loathe each other and can’t stand to even speak without court mediation present. But it’s just not possible for SS to be 100% my partner, of course the child will have both physical and personality traits from his mom.

How do I tread lightly but tell my Fiancé he’s being unfair to SS? I don’t think it’s healthy for him to have all these perfect ideals about a two year old’s personality and behavior. But again, as a SP, I don’t really have a lot of wiggle room to criticize the actual parents.

TLDR: I think my fiancé’s projection of his own personality onto his son is unhealthy, as well as the way my fiancé idealizes his son’s behavior and pretends he’s “perfect”— but I don’t know how to approach the subject in a productive way.

Submitted April 21, 2021 at 09:35AM by royalcheeese https://ift.tt/3sG1vov