My husband (35M) and I (29F) have been together for 7 years.
One of the characteristics my husband has is his deep desire to be “right”, or at least not wrong. The outcome means less to him than the right or wrong indicator.
For an example: last week my husband wasn’t paying attention and smacked me in the face with our bathroom door. I was in the bathroom with him and talking to him about something the neighbor had said, so he 100% was aware of my presence. My sink is next to the door and when he swung it open it hit me in the face. His reaction is to instantly ask me why I was “standing there of all places”, tell me “I didn’t mean to [hit you with the door] “ and leave it at that. No apology, no checking if I’m ok, just a statement defending himself. It’s to the point where my eyes were watering and he yelled at me for being dramatic and crying on purpose. I wasn’t crying the door just made my eyes water.
In my eyes a “normal” person would hit someone with a door on accident, quickly apologize and ask if they can help get them, like, an ice pack or something. But he instead just is insisting that it’s not his fault the door hit me in the face. I got my own ice pack and my bruise lasted 3 days. We’ve talked about scenarios like this a lot and it boils down to (even in his words) him thinking he’s not to blame for what happened since it wasn’t intentional.
You can imagine how this turns ugly in fights really quick. He forgets my birthday? It wasn’t intentional so it’s not his fault. He crashed the car into the garage door? Not his fault. Left the back door open and unlocked all night when I went to sleep early cuz i wasn’t feeling well? Not his fault. Said something mean? He didn’t mean to be mean so he claims he didn’t say it. This last one has happened in front of others and I at least feel validated that people have stepped in and corrected him and shared that he did indeed say “X mean statement”.
I honestly need help identifying resources to deal with a defensive person. I’ve tried the following (and this was the response)
1) using “i feel statements” instead of pointing blame (response is that I’m being dramatic and victimizing myself. “Poor OP” has been used in a mocking way more than once) 2) stating facts of what happened with no commentary like “the door was left open last night” (response is along the lines of there are two people in the house and i have legs) 3) extended time between the event and the discussion, so emotions calm down (response is to bring up things three years ago instead of talk about the situation at hand) 4) in relation to #3 our couples therapist has shared we should try not bring old topics into new discussions, and if i remind him of the guidance (his response is to scream that it’s relevant because he’s a beaten dog that acts this way because I make him feel bad)
Honestly I’m starting individual counseling next month because at this point my mind is jumbled. I’ve tried a few of the basics from our couples therapist but neither of us feel like we are getting anywhere. I feel like I’m exhausted because I stay up at night reading articles from therapists and blogs all over the internet. I’m tired and I feel like my personality is suffering the longer i stick around.
My ask here is to help direct me to something useful, I feel like there is SO MUCH content I’m lost in it all. The web is so big!
As I said I don’t need people to tell us to do counseling as we are trying. But it’s just not helping yet.
TLDR: my husband is defensive to the point of not believing he did something hurtful. Can you help share resources on how to communicate with people whose reaction is to act like something didn’t happen/defensive about it?
Submitted April 20, 2021 at 12:56PM by 21446 https://ift.tt/3n2WepC
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