I'm 29, and a big dude with an athletic build, my previous serious gf's were both way smaller than me and so the thought of abuse always seemed so silly & impossible because of this size & biological sex dynamic. However, I now realized that did not mean it was not impossible for them to do some emotional damage and it would be classified as abuse.
The common thing between both of these women is that where we lived, they had basically no friends in the same city or anywhere close that plans could be made without weeks or months of planning and basically a trip required. They both moved to my city for work right before we started dating. So by proxy, I became the only readily available person in their lives they could see when doing something fun or for companionship. This caused both of the women to become unhealthily dependent on my time & attention since I was all they had most of the time. Whereas I have many friends through different friend groups where I live. So the issue was I would make plans, my ex would expect me to be available on the same night without consulting me and just assuming, and when I was not, they get upset with me.
I pride myself on being a good bf and as respectful, kind, and courteous to anyone I would date and to women in general. SO them being upset, upset me. So what would happen is I see my friends less to appease my ex, or I would make up stories about family issues I had, in order to get out of functions early to hurry back to an upset gf. Typing this out and reading it makes it all seem so obvious.
So why wasn't it obvious, because when these women would get me alone they would be incredible company, super kind, attentive, empowering, and great sex doesn't hurt either. They would shower me with compliments and make me feel like the great bf I want so badly to be. So I felt like I was doing something right when I was with them. However, I was being truly manipulated. They knew how badly I prided myself on my role as a bf, they used tactics to guilt me into believing I was not seeing them enough, or that my friends were immature or losers to try and sway me away from them, just so I would choose them over my friends. I should have found it weird that someone I was dating could not meld with any of my friend groups or co-workers, but I didn't. This was the only type of dating I knew and I thought it normal.
Now I am dating an incredible woman who my friends all love. It was initially shocking when I would get texts telling me to bring the gf with me and more shocking that my gf was excited to come and be with me and my friends at the same time. She has her own group of friends that I also like very much and sometimes now I even find it (very pleasantly) strange to have my gf tell me she is busy because she has plans with her friends.
What made me realize the abuse though was this afternoon I was going to a surprise party for one of my oldest friend's 30th. My gf also had a bday to go to for a close friend and we decided to both do our own thing during the day, then meet up for dinner since both parties were day time affairs. Even the thought of not going with my gf gave me anxiety. I felt like I should have just gone with her as a guest to avoid the assumed mental abuse to come of not being with her and being with other people.
My friend sliced his hand real bad right before he was to be picked up to come for the surprise so instead he goes to the hospital. That leaves all the party guests having a party without him for 4 hours while he waits in the ER. So my day party became a night time thing. I text a flurry of updates to my gf apologizing for being behind schedule and then ultimately for realizing as the hours pass that I won't be able to make dinner. She is not really responding though which I interpret as the worst possible outcome, of her being furious or deeply upset.
Finally she calls me while I am on the way back home to say she got back and just fell asleep on the couch since we had a long night the night before and she was relaxing with tv. I answer and start immediately apologizing out of the gate and she cuts me off to say "Are you good? What are you apologizing for, you obviously gotta stay and stick that out. I got your message that you would be out for the night so I lied down with my dog" I still don't believe her after so many times of these situations always going bad for me and keep pushing apologies and she cuts me off to just laugh at me for being silly. Saying in a super loving tone that I have nothing to apologize for. I was just dumbfounded by it all. The fact that I could date someone who had their own life, that didn't need my life to completely revolve around her. That doesn't guilt me into time spent together or shame me for having too many friends or hobbies.
TL;DR It was a very sobering realization that my last 2 relationships had abusive tendencies. I never saw it because I am so much bigger, a man, and it wasn't physical. Also there are degrees of abuse of course, it's not a check box. It was a mild form of abuse but still what my exes were doing was for sure abusive. So now I am done with that and super happy now with my amazing new gf. It feels good to feel good
Submitted April 24, 2021 at 10:11PM by rocktree https://ift.tt/3dMTry0
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