I have read relationship posts before and the advice always seems to be to just leave. I just feel like life is not that simple. But I'm not ready to talk about this to anyone in my real life yet so I'm prepared to try this. And it's not that I don't think that maybe my marriage is over but I just don't know what to do.
I (28F) have been with my husband "Josh" (29M) for almost 9 years, married for 5. We broke up after a year of dating, got back together 1 year later then got engaged 2 years after that. Married less than a year afterwards. We met through student Christian society at university. We then stayed in the same town after graduating to work, I worked for a church and organised youth and young adult Christian groups which my husband also attended and supported me to plan and organise. He was always supportive and we were kind of well known within our little community. After we got married, we moved away pretty much straight away for me to start training to be a vicar and that is on-going.
It sounds weird but I've always been proud of how we have been a strong Christian couple - like I've felt as though we were role models. We waited til we got married, he has supported my career, I have had such huge respect for him as this loving man with whom I had an equal relationship. I thought we had a perfect life.
Just before we got engaged, a girl "Alice" (now 27F) started coming to the church I worked for. She was clearly lonely and we welcomed her into our wider church social circle - she came to Bible study, came to the pub after Bible study, she and I would go for coffee. We were friends. Not super close friends but friends.
I noticed that there was kind of a connection between her and Josh earlyish on. They realised early on that they were both big fans of the same quite obscure book series from childhood and they kind of had a shared reference point. They never hung out on their own but it would be the kind of thing where Alice would say something to the group and Josh would reply saying something that was a reference to the book series and they would both find it very funny.
I would also state that I was always aware that Alice was uncomfortable around men. Once Alice was talking about a film to do with another book series that she was into and Josh asked if she wanted to go see it with him and I instinctively said I'd come too when I saw Alice flinch. I noticed that she always tried to speak to him and me at the same time. Another time we were talking in the church women's group and she stated that if you're friends with a girl, you don't need to be friends with the girl's boyfriend but if you're friends with a boy, you do need to be friends with his girlfriend or it doesn't work. I respected that and I agreed.
That being said, over time I felt like there was an undercurrent to their interaction - they seemed to avoid each other. I have been racking my brains after all that's happened in the past few weeks but I really don't think that they ever met up alone. She was so stressed out with her course at the time and he was really busy with work. They 'hung out' when they used to wash up the cups and plates after church so feet away from where I would be working in my office - once or twice he said she was his 'washing up buddy' and she just used to look embarrassed. Once our church had a ceilidh and they danced together once then too and again, I felt like there was something weird. I talked to a separate friend about it and we prayed together about my insecurities. We agreed that Josh would never cheat and that Alice was a nice girl.
I sort of knew before Josh was going to propose but then it didn't happen the day I thought it would - we were going to go for a walk and then he cancelled. A long while after I found out that he had been walking to go and hide the ring where he was going to propose and he found Alice very upset because of something to do with her family so he had stayed and talked her through it. So he postponed proposing til the next day and then it rained and so it ended up being three weeks later. But then I was so happy. And Alice wrote us a lovely card to say congratulations.
I did talk to Josh about Alice and sort of teased him that I thought she had a crush and he just said that she was a nice girl and that it wasn't kind to gossip. Once though another friend was talking about trying to find a girl for a long-term friend of ours and suggested Alice and Josh just grimaced and said that Alice deserved someone lovely, eg better than this guy. I rationalised it as he might have been interested in her if he wasn't with me and also that we were moving away soon and we weren't going to be keeping in touch. Our wedding wasn't super super small but I didn't invite Alice and Josh didn't press it.
Our wedding was kind of infamous. We met up the afternoon before with all of our friends and prayed together then went and had sleepovers with our friends. I remember though that as I held his hands when we prayed together, it felt like I was holding on to a stranger. But am I maybe projecting onto that memory? I also remember playing around with my bridesmaids that night as if I was a child again and that we just stayed up giggling and playing party games. I remember just wanting it to be the next day so I could be Josh's wife already.
Josh had a freak out. He was with his groomsmen in his house-share, it was supposed to be their last boys' night and he got up and said that he needed to go and pray and he just left. And from that point he was MIA for over 12 hours. He didn't show up again until less than an hour before our wedding. His family were all freaking out but they completely hid it from me. I didn't know a thing about it until the next day. And even then Josh downplayed it and said he'd just been feeling the pressure and the hyperactivity of his groomsmen and he just really needed some peace so he went and slept in his car and accidentally drained the battery so it didn't start and then he had to get a taxi to the church. He was so lucky his parents had brought his suit there hoping he'd get there in time. I remember his phone battery was flat as it had our flight tickets on for our honeymoon and we were running round trying to sort this at the airport. On honeymoon he admitted that it had all just got overwhelming and that he was very sorry. It didn't feel like a huge thing to just forgive him. Friends sometimes mention it and it's become a story of how even a good couple can become overwhelmed by wedding hoopla.
It now becomes extremely clear what happened because a few weeks ago, we were on a walk in the park - anyone else taking a lot of walks at the minute??? - and who should we see but Alice. She seriously looked as if she'd seen a ghost. I had basically forgotten about how she used to make me feel insecure so I said hi but Josh looked really uncomfortable too. But she had a little boy with her. And I looked at him and it was just ... obvious.
The baby was born 9 months to the day after our wedding. Instead of Josh's first time being with me, it was with Alice the night before.
He said that he had been fighting it for months. He said that he had held her once while she was crying in the park. And that he kept telling himself that he only cared about her as a friend but that it got harder and harder. And the last time they washed up together - 2 weeks before our wedding - he made some kind of ceremony out of it but that it got tense and they held hands and then Alice burst into tears and it was clear that she had feelings for him. And then he said it was just going round and round in his head. How does washing the dishes with someone lead to you questioning your relationship??
He said that the night before our wedding he couldn't breathe and when he left his house he just drove to where she was. He was 24. She was 22. Both old enough to know better. It was her first time and his and he said that she just opened the door and 'events escalated rapidly'. I don't really want to know any more. Anyway, he spent the night and then his car had no petrol from the drive or whatever and so it was Alice who drove him to the church. He seemed to think that would make me see her differently - she got a speeding fine from driving my husband to our wedding after he had spent the night in her bed.
He said that no they didn't use protection because they weren't thinking and because they hadn't premeditated it.
He said that he was still freaking out but that it was the morning of our wedding and that he realised that he didn't want to abandon the life that we had planned together. He said that Alice didn't want him to either. Alice told him to go back to me.
He said that Alice blocked him on social media after the event and that this was expected as they both felt that a clean break was the last resort to help them both get over their feelings. I noticed a few things after our wedding like how he put away that book series that he had loved as a kid and said something vague about how he wasn't into it any more. We never mentioned Alice ever. We've been happy I think but now I'm questioning everything.
He says he doesn't want to leave and that he loves me and that he still believes in til death us do part. But now that he knows that there is a child, he wants to be in that child's life. With lockdown, Alice is not being entirely encouraging. She has explained that she made the choice to keep the baby because of her religious beliefs and that she made the choice to keep his existence to herself because of her remorse at sleeping with someone who was as good as married. She says that she and the little one are happy together as a unit and doesn't want to confuse the child.
I've been praying and I just come up empty - hence why I ended up here. I actually think that if he'd been having an affair with her, I would find this easier. But he wasn't. I believe him that he was trying really hard not to be in love with Alice and that he couldn't do it. I could still see that weird look between them that day at the park - the way it's like he looks at her and she looks back but also draws away. It's like my life has crashed down and my husband suddenly has this soulmate and it's not me. How can he still be drawn to her when he barely knows her? They had one night and a lot moony eyes - we've been living together for 5 years, how does that not compete??
Our family life together has been everything to me - I love his parents, my parents love him, my brother thinks he's great - we were going to try for a baby later this year. But he already has a baby. I am not some idiot who puts all the blame on the girl - Josh is the one who lied to me. But I don't want our marriage to be over - 9 years is a third of my life. I love him. The life I have with him is the life I want. I don't want this to be over.
I am really ashamed of myself for how embarrassed I feel - as if it's a failure in my 'personal brand'. That I'm not as good a Christian as I thought I was. I am angry with Alice even though I know enough about her to know that she hasn't 'stolen' Josh - he's a grown man who could control his own decisions. And he is being so polite, so apologetic, bringing me cups of tea, asking if there is anything he can do - I just want him to fix this mess and put things back the way they were.
I just had to repost this as I forgot to put in ages
TL,DR: Husband slept with a friend the night before our wedding. I only just found out this but there's a 4 year old boy who has his face. Husband doesn't want to break up but does want to know his son. No idea what to do.
Submitted February 11, 2021 at 05:35AM by Unhappy-wife-4 https://ift.tt/374QcxZ
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