My husband (27m) and I (28f) have been together for almost 5 years. We live about 4.5 hours away from our families in another state. Recently, his sister (18f) started having some of the same issues with his family that he had.
tl;dr: My husband's sister may need to come live with us because of her home situation and he is very hesitant.
His family situation is complicated, but I will try to explain as briefly as I can. When he was in middle school his mother went to prison and his stepfather, who raised him and he calls dad, was given custody of him. His dad already had custody of the two children he had with my husband's mother. Eventually his dad remarried and all of his siblings were raised by his step-parents under the same roof - his half siblings and his dad's kids with his new wife. Things at their house were very, very strict. If chores weren't done, they made him sit out football practices and games where the team was depending on him. He had to purchase all his own grooming supplies, provide his own spending and gas money for school/work, and was not allowed to go anywhere after school under any circumstances. This is not because they didn't have the means to supply these for him, even though his stepmother has never had a job. When he was 17, his mother got out of prison and he immediately left to spend his senior year of high school with her in a town/school he didn't know just to get away. They treat the three children from his dad's first marriage extremely differently than those that belonged to the both of them. His brother left home right after graduating high school and moved in with his grandmother, which caused immense tension. They did not want her to take him in even though he had nowhere else to go (his birth mother was in a rehab facility at the time). These experiences have left deep emotional scars on my husband and he is easily overwhelmed even in positive interactions with his step parents.
Up until now his sister has been extremely sheltered. She has a huge list of daily chores, is forced to home school, is not allowed to have social media or friends outside of church, and was not allowed to get a real job. She is not allowed to have her phone in her bathroom or in her bedroom and has to leave it on the charger in the kitchen at night. If she doesn't comply they lock it in the safe to "set healthy boundaries". She strains against their control and has non-violent behavioral problems - probably because of her lack of autonomy and socialization. They have repeatedly tried to have her diagnosed with different disorders and at one point forced her into 72 hr psychiatric care because she told her counselor she had previously considered harming herself. She doesn't have a car, but turned 18 recently and got a job about 3 miles from their house. She bought her own phone so they could no longer take it away, but that hasn't stopped them. Apparently at one point they added themselves to her Find My Friends app so they could be alerted to her location at all times. Last week they imposed a rule that they will not drive her to work if she doesn't hand over her phone. But when she hands it over they make up other reasons why they can't take her to work, even though at least one of them is home all day. She is having to walk the 3 miles down a busy road in a large city to get to and from work. She is saving money but still can't afford a car and is almost constantly panicking about her home situation.
I am very worried about her. When they threatened to forcibly institutionalize her late last year, I wanted her to come live with us and her parents freaked out. They said that she had made up all of the issues at home because she is bipolar - even though my husband and his brother experienced the same treatment. She doesn't have any familial support there and their grandmother is unwilling to step in because of the hell she went through with their brother, and she doesn't know her birth mother at all even though she is now clean. My husband is severely hesitant for his sister to come stay with us, I think because of the emotional impact his family has on him. He is in a much healthier place mentally when he doesn't have to interact with his parents at all. he and I have a wonderful relationship and have talked about all of this to no end. He keeps saying that she can come live with us if it gets to that point, and I think that it has, but he doesn't.
She really wants to come stay with us and it's what I would do for my siblings. I have always deferred to him and will continue to do so because it is his family, but I'm worried that she will harm herself or some other terrible thing is just waiting to happen.
Should I further try to convince my husband that his sister's situation requires our assistance?
Edit: She does not have a doorknob on her room even though little brothers live there and she says her stepmother regularly comes into the bathroom when she's showering. It's more than just strict parenting.
Submitted January 21, 2020 at 02:01PM by fidgetymiffler https://ift.tt/2Ri4ELz
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