My (25f) fiancé (25m) and I just had a big fight with my soon to be in-laws after telling them we will both be changing our last names. They blame and hate me for it and they say they do not like who their son has become...among other painful things

We knew his parents wouldn’t take well to hearing their son is changing his name at marriage too (we are creating a new one). But they overreacted beyond imagination. His dad yelled at me which was messed up and at the end of the convo his dad stormed off and threw something and they shouted a lot of hurtful things the whole time, mostly his dad:

• I’m embarrassed for you
• You’ve lost all sanity
• I know for a fact this will be the biggest regret of your life
• We will NEVER accept this decision and we will NEVER call you by your new name
• We’ve never been more disappointed in our lives
• You’ve broken your mothers heart
• I do not like who you’ve become

• You’ve lost yourself

• many many other hurtful things. The last two strongly suggested they don’t like ME and I am the reason their son “is wrong”.

We’ve been together 7 years and he was a shell before I knew him riddled with anxiety. He and his family NEVER had ANY conflict and I’m not even kidding. So my fiancé has always struggled to go against their beliefs/opinions but hes learned how to stand his ground over the last few years and this is the first time his parents have seen it. He used to look like he was going to pass out in school when he was called on but now he delivers speeches at his work in a very successful job like it’s nothing. He’s become a social butterfly and it’s night and day. His parents keep going back to “what happened to the son we used to know” when this dude is now 10x more awesome and happier than before.

Also need to add - everyone has flaws right but my fiancé has very few. He’s genuinely a rockstar. Killer personality, job, achievements, everything - he has always been amazing but has aged like fine wine, it’s been amazing to grow with him and watch him evolve.

His dads main argument was that my fiancé will be shunned from society/lose his job because everyone will think he’s insane...everyone at his work is excited about our decision beyond just being supportive. We live in a progressive area and maybe forgot how unprogressive the Midwest where his fam is...it became apparent that my fiancé had such severe anxiety growing up because his dad encouraged it - he was saying over and over how people will shit on us the minute we walk away and how they are lying to us and actually think we are nuts even though they say they support us. He tried very hard to sow doubt into essentially every interaction we have with others - as anxiety provoking as can be. Really it was projection - his parents are incredibly judgmental and it’s no surprise they worry what others will say about us when we aren’t around given how harsh they are to criticize others behind their backs.

Really though it seemed like they hate the name change because they hate me and it’s impossible for me to not be seen as controlling in their eyes. My fiancé was reluctant at the idea initially a year ago (who wouldn’t be?) when we were trying to figure out what to do with last names and we hit a wall when we thought about what to name future kids to keep family unity and avoid hyphenation, but he really grew to prefer a new name change out of all options and he wanted to go with the new name that HE chose, and I also like it. Now we both love the new name and decision.

But his family now hates me and sees me as a villain. No one beyond his parents should ever influence his opinions according to his fam, if I influence or change his opinions ever so slightly then I am controlling and terrible, no such thing as a convo where people present different ideas and opinions evolve, it’s just me forcing my fiancé to think what I think...my fiancé has told them over and over again it is HIS decision but they just see me forcing him in the same way he chose to go vegan after starting to date me (I was already vegan). He’s more vegan than I am now lol but they refuse to see his decisions as his own and I must be responsible for any actions their son takes that they dont agree with.

Any advice on how to move forward would be much appreciated.

tl;dr: in-laws think I control my fiancé, hate me, say they hate who their son has become because of me even though he’s only grown to be a better man since I’ve known him

Submitted January 01, 2020 at 06:38PM by newyearnewpee https://ift.tt/2udHv49