Me [32M] with my wife [31F] of 1.5 years. She says I'm gaslighting her every time we fight, but I don't think I am. Am I wrong or am I going crazy?

My wife and I have semi-recently moved in together after a long distance relationship. I moved to a new country to be with her. We lived with her mother for 3 months, but got our own apartment 4 months ago. We've fought a lot in that time frame, but it hasn't been terrible. Except when it has, I guess. I should say now that my wife has depression, general anxiety disorder, and seasonal anxiety disorder. She is also very, very stubborn, which she acknowledges.

When I first arrived after being apart for 8 months (the longest we'd ever been separated), she was on new meds, so her emotions were all over the place. She would bite my head off every morning I tried talking to her, would sleep all weekend, would cry at the drop of a hat, had no interest in sex, regualrly cancelled any plans we made, would come home 3 hours after her work ended even though it was a ten minute walk away. It felt like she hated me and resented me for being there.

It got so bad I thought she was having an affair. I even went through her phone and found out she deleted texts from her ex that she works with. I accused her of cheating and told her what I did and found. Turns out this is just what it's like to live with someone who has a mental illness. I know what I did was super shitty and have apologized many, many times. I take full responsibility for my shitty actions. That was 6 months ago and I think she's mostly past it.

Eventually her meds and emotions balance out, but we had some intense fights even in our new place. We remember things differently and I'm suddenly gaslighting her, but it's always me telling her I didn't do or say something she thinks I did. I think my memory should count for more when it's my words or actions, but it's always something she remembers so clearly. If I say both our memories are faulty, she insists she's right and I'm lying. When we fight, she also regularly calls me names or says "fuck you" or says ridiculous things like I'm only with her for a visa.

We went to a marriage counselor once, but my wife didn't like her because she "subscribed too much to stereotypical gender roles." But the counselor didn't mention anything about our genders or wifely or husbandly duties. There was nothing in the conversation at all that I would have connected with gender. The counselor was shocked, however, that my wife wasn't doing much else to help manage her illnesses.

After one fight I was in the bathroom and fantasized about jumping out the window and running away. I told her that I sometimes think about that, but I think a lot of people fantasize about abandoning their lives and going out to start new ones. A couple months later she tells me she regularly worries I'll actually do that. I told her it's never been a serious thing, just a stupid fantasy, and I would never do that. That was months ago and the last time I remember talking about it.

Last night she insists I threaten to leave her every time we fight. She claimed I talk about disapppearing whenever we get into an argument. I admit my memory isn't perfect, but I have never threatened to leave her and I certainly don't bring it up every time we disagree.

I have told her she needs to better manage her stress and anxiety because all she does is take her meds. She says she also talks to friends about her issues, but that's it. I've begged her to do more - go to a counselor (that I would pay for), practice her art, do yoga, exercise, keep a journal, etc. But she hasn't done anything except what I consider the bare minumum. I have compromised or given in with so many things because of her depression that I wouldn't have with someone who was healthy. My attitude has always been, "well, I have to be OK with that because she has depression."

But this? I'm some kind of toxic abuser because I remember things differently? I'm gaslighting her because I don't think I did the things she says I'm doing? Or am I somehow giving the impression of these things without actually saying them?

TL;DR - My wife has serious mental illnesses. We've fought a lot. She claims I'm gaslighting her constantly. I don't know how to say I remember things differently wthout being accused of it. What do I do? Sorry this post is so long.

Submitted January 19, 2020 at 03:45AM by a_migoingcrazy https://ift.tt/2RtBgks