My boyfriend (29) and I (29F) have been dating for nearly two years. I think about leaving him every single day.
I wake up every morning and sort of fantasize about being free from him. Being on my own. Doing things I want to do. On my way to work every morning, I go over what I will say when I end things with him, thinking of every possible scenario.
My boyfriend has never told me he loves me. We never had that sort of “honeymoon” phase. I don’t remember the last time we had sex. I don’t even remember the last time we made out. There’s no intimacy. There’s nothing. I feel like roommates who just hangout all the time. When I’m around him, there is this tension in the room. It’s constant. I hate it. In public he won’t hold my hand...he’s never liked to hold my hand in public. One time I grabbed his hand while we were walking to see how it felt and it just felt...awkward. Even when I try to hug him before he leaves for work I feel awkward. He doesn’t embrace me. He kind of just goes in for the hug without using his arms so that only I’m wrapping my arms around him. I feel stupid for even trying, so I don’t even bother hugging him anymore.
There were so many red flags in the beginning of our relationship that I chose not to act on. I feel like I’ve wasted almost two years of my life with someone who doesn’t love me. Who’s just with me because it’s convenient for him.
I have been so afraid to leave him. I’m worried he’s going to find someone else who he says ‘i love you’ to. I’m worried he’s going to be so much happier once we break up and that I’ll be sad and lonely.
But I have to keep telling myself that it’s not my problem anymore. I don’t deserve to be treated like this. I will find someone who will appreciate me.
Guess I just wanted to put this out into the universe so that I finally take that leap and end things. I’ve put this off for way too long and I’m not going to screw myself out of happiness because I’m afraid to let go.
For context, I live with him and we have lived together almost the entirety of our relationship. We also purchased a dog together a year ago which is a huge reason why I haven’t ended things sooner. I just know he’s going to say he’s keeping her and will be very firm and I’m just going to give in because I’d rather avoid confrontation. I love her so much but I can’t stay in this dead end relationship for her.
I’m going to come home during my lunch hour every day next week and pack up my clothes and whatever else I need access to right away. I’ve made arrangements to live with my friend for now. I’m scared but future me is thanking me.
Tl;dr after talking myself out of doing it for a year, I’m finally going to end things with my boyfriend
Submitted January 24, 2020 at 08:48PM by illfindmyselfoneday https://ift.tt/2Gp3OXj
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