Boyfriend of seven years won’t have sex with me

I (32 F) have been with my boyfriend (39M) for about seven years. We live together, happily for the most part, and have for about five years.

Our relationship started out very physical, where we had sex almost every day. Then, as expected, it died down somewhat, to maybe 1-2 times a week. However, for the past few years, it’s now the case that we have sex less than once a month, and if we do, it’s just a quick thing, usually less than 10 minutes, and never more than once at a time.

We are very open with each other and I have raised it over the years as an issue multiple times. He always says the same thing. “I am attracted to you, I agree we should have sex more, I’m just tired/busy/distracted” etc etc and promises that things will get better.

For a while I was trying to instigate, but he made it very clear that he wants to be the instigator, and seemed to think I was trying to spring it on him, which freaked him out.

I have told him I am super open to trying new things if there is a particular kink or fetish he’s in to, and I have gone along with things in bed that I’m not always 100% in to (eg describing me having sex with other men). However, he says that lack of interest or unmet sexual fantasy is not the issue.

Also, appearance wise, I haven’t changed. I’m obviously seven years older, and comfortable enough around him to wear no makeup and dress in sweats etc (edit: certainly not all the time). I’m relatively fit and conventionally attractive, though I’m not a 10/10 or anything.

Lately we’ve been having real conflict about it, which is making the problem worse, since he says he feels to much pressure. I have asked him if he wants to have an open relationship and he says no, though I have a feeling that if I was more insistent he would go for it. But in my heart of hearts, that’s not what I want. I just want him to want me.

I have been depressed the last few months, and at least one of the reasons is that I feel so physically unattractive, disgusting even. I am desperate to have a sex life, but I fear that if I stay in this relationship, that might never happen. I’m also worried that my self esteem is so low that I won’t be able to bring myself to have sex with anyone at all.

I know the go to response to this will be for me to end it, but I love him so much, and if there is any way to fix it, I’m willing to try.

Edit: some have suggested affair. I might be naive but I really don’t think that’s it.

TLDR: my boyfriend of seven years doesn’t want to have sex with me

Submitted January 22, 2020 at 05:47PM by Buttwig604 https://ift.tt/2Rkub76