My friend died and I'm thinking of cutting communication with my immediate family because of their response to my grief

This situation has been going on since the middle of October and has been extremely draining on me emotionally. This situation has a lot going on in it, so I apologize if I have trouble translating it to just one Reddit post.

To start with, I (F21) do love my family. I am pretty close to my mom(F46) and siblings (M26 and F9). My dad(M48) and I have had a pretty rocky relationship for a long time. But that is besides the point.

Needless to say, I have never really been comfortable with my dad. So naturally, I have always gravitated towards my mom when I need emotional support. I consider myself to be a very independent introvert . I have pretty much always dealt with my personal issues on my own, in my own way. My parents have always had this strange fixation on being perfect. They raised us with the mindset that we are a very close and "perfect" family with no drama. Obviously that's not true. However, my parents have always taken such pride in having such a "stable" and "not broken" home.

So fast forward to the middle of this month, I get a call out of nowhere from my best friend Danielle (F20). Her boyfriend of 3 years, James (M21) had died unexpectedly. He was one of my Fiancee Logan's (M20) best friends and I considered him to be a very close friend as well. He was actually going to be in our wedding party. So of course I am in shock and completely heartbroken. I am also extremely worried about my best friend's well-being. All I can think about is how I can be there for her and help her through this unbelievably traumatic and life changing event.

As I said before, I am very introverted and don't really like to talk to most people about my problems. Because of how they have reacted in the past, I don't feel comfortable going to my family. My fiancee has been my rock for as long as I have known him and I love him so much. He is the only one that I talk to about everything. Logan and I moved into our own place a few years ago, and being the way I am, I don't really go to my parents house that often. Maybe once every other week. I have my own life. But when I do go to their house their first response is "haven't seen you in a while! we miss you so much, come home more!!" It just feels like what I'm doing is never enough. Even if I came over every week they would react this way. They feel hurt that I don't talk to them about stuff that is going on in my life. They feel hurt that I go to Logan for everything and trust him with everything instead of them. This has lead to a lot of tension and feeling like I don't fit into my own family. As terrible as it sounds, I just don't feel close to them like I did when I was a kid.

When Danielle called me and told me about James' death, I immediately called my fiance to tell him. I started having a panic attack after I hung up the phone with him. I was home alone and was too frantic to drive to go see Danielle so I called my mom. She dropped everything to come be with me. When she got to my house, she held me for a bit as I cried and then asked me where Danielle was. "She's with her mom. She doesn't want me to go over there right now" and her first reply was "well sometimes people need their moms. no matter how old you get you will always need your mom" this kind of flew past me in the moment because I was still completely in shock. But it hit me later after she left that that was such a strange thing to say to me when I had just found out my friend had died. I needed her to just be there with me. Not to make me feel like shit for not coming home enough or not needing her enough.

So in my family, Halloween is our major holiday. We have always thrown a huge Halloween party the weekend before Halloween. My parents go all out with decorations and its usually a great time and everyone we know is always super hyped to attend. My sister's birthday is in the first week of November, so every year since she was born, we have had a little birthday party for her at around 3 or 4pm and then at around 6pm the actual Halloween party will begin. So a two for one kind of party deal. I love these parties, I love seeing my baby sister blow out her candles and I love dressing up and partying with my family and friends.

This year, things were different for me and my family have made actions that are making me question whether I want them around me for the foreseeable future. Our friend's funeral was last Wednesday. Their party was on Saturday. A few days before the memorial, my dad dropped by my work. The first thing he did was ask me if I was going to the party. No "how are you doing? How is Danielle? Can we do anything to help?" Just making sure that I was still going to their party. I told him that we might not go because we are grieving. He said "well at least go to your sister's party" It felt really manipulative that he used my sister as a way to guilt me into going to their party. My sister has never come up to me during any of the Halloween parties or her birthday parties, except to say hello when we first get there. Otherwise she is spending the party playing with all her friends and running around having a grand time. I hardly ever really see her, which is totally fine. She has her little friends to play with and I love that she has so much fun at these parties. So my dad's action here set off a red flag to me. This told me that all they care about is their image. That it will be very obvious that their eldest daughter did not attend their annual Halloween Bash and that it will ruin their image of a "perfect family" That a party is more important than my well being.

My brother knew James. Worked with him for a while. He was actually the reason that Danielle and James met. So of course Danielle and James both attended many of our Halloween parties over the past few years. So my whole immediate family also attended his memorial. About 5 minutes after the memorial ended, I was still crying and standing outside with some good friends who also attended when my mom came to hug me. "Please come to her party. James loved our parties. He would want you to come" In that moment, I was emotionally numb, I couldn't really say anything back to her. But I do distinctly remember leaning away from her embrace and thinking "what the hell is wrong with you. This is completely inappropriate to be doing right now. I just lost my friend. Fuck off"

After the memorial, James' family invited everyone to go to a bar so we can celebrate his life and share stories about him. My parents went home. My brother came with our little group of friends. It was really healing for us to all talk about our favorite memories of him. However, Logan had asked what my mom whispered in my ear and I told him what she had said. He had the same response that I did and was instantly pretty mad that both of my parents had tried to use my sister to manipulate me into going to this party. My brother heard this and kind of gave us this look of utter shock. My brother hardly expresses what he is actually thinking. But I grew up with him as my best friend. So I can read him really well. The look he gave me was one of surprise and disbelief when I said that our parent's actions have made me really not want to go to the party.

I didn't talk to my family again for a few days. On the day of their party, Logan and I decided we were absolutely not going. We are dealing with too much right now and just need time to be together and heal. That a huge party like this would be far two draining for two already exhausted introverts. Also, the morning of the party, Danielle texted me asking to hangout with us. I had been texting her daily since the day James died. Most of my messages were left on read. Which is completely fine, I just wanted to let her know that I'm here for her when she does need me. So of course I was so relieved and excited when she finally wanted to see me and told her I would be over later that day. I called my mom to tell her that I'm sorry and that Danielle wanted to hangout, so as a best friend, I need to be with her today and that we won't be going to the party. My mom sounded pretty disappointed but she said that she understood.

So the day goes on like planned. Then that evening I got a text from my brother. It was a video of my sister blowing out her candles. I replied, "awe how cute! I hope she's having a great time" He replied with "she is. Heartbroken you are not here though." This pissed me off. This was the final straw. All week they have all been making comments about me attending this fucking party. So I replied with "then when she gets older, and can comprehend what is happening right now, I will explain to her why we are not there today. We wanted to be, but you know exactly why we are not there. So i don't appreciate your making me feel guilty for not attending because i have to make sure my best friend who just lost the love of her life is okay. i'm not apologizing for not coming. I'd appreciate it if you, mom and dad would stop making insensitive comments like this" all he responded with with is "sorry im drunk"

I didn't talk to any of my family until my brother reached out yesterday and wanted to meet up to talk. I was working, so I told him I couldn't. He said that he hopes to see me on Halloween.

It is now Halloween. I spent most of today wondering if I should go to my parent's house for Halloween. But the way they have all been talking to me lately makes my gut tell me not to go. I've been feeling so much guilt for not going to their party for my sister. That she will be sad that I don't go see her Halloween costume or go trick or treating like we always do. But I just know that if I do go over there I will feel so much worse. Because then they will tell me how sad my sister was at the party because I didn't go. They will continue to add to the guilt when that is just not what I need right now. I need support. I need space from them. I am grieving. I am trying to keep it together so I can help my fiancee and best friend through this incredibly tough time. I do not need to be told that I am a disappointment because I didn't attend one party. For valid reasons.

This has caused me a lot of anguish. On one hand, I love my family and all I want is to be able to go to them for support. But on the other hand, I feel so hurt that they care more about a fucking party than their own daughter. That they can't take a moment to realize that I am hurting and that what they are doing right now is the complete opposite of what I need and their actions are in fact harmful to me right now and are making me start to resent them.

I guess I just don't really know what to do. I don't want to see them. I don't want to talk to them. Logan has offered to be a sort of barrier from them so that if they do want to contact me that they can talk to him first. I don't want to ruin my relationship with them but I don't know how to keep any sort of relationship with them right now.

My question is would I be overreacting if I stopped talking to them for a few weeks?

TL;DR: My friend died recently and my family is making me feel like shit for not attending a party they host annually, because I'm grieving. Trying to figure out if I'm a shitty daughter/sister for wanting to cut communication with them for a while.

Submitted October 31, 2019 at 06:26PM by reclusivesmurf https://ift.tt/2BYINR4