I've been dating this amazing girl for almost two and a half years. We were really good friends before we started dating and have years of wonderful memories together. She's a fantastic girlfriend with a big heart, and we see eye to eye on most things. We're compatible morally and politically, and there are so many. We're very close and spend a lot of time together, and have talked about wanting a future with each other. However, I'm increasingly finding myself wishing that things were different about her or about our relationship, which is causing a lot of stress and guilt, not to mention tension between the two of us. Put simply, there are things that I want that she doesn't want, and things that she wants that I feel resentful of.
A little bit about me:
- I'm just about to turn 22. I've been in two longer-term relationships before this one (2+ years, then 3.5 years) with short breaks in between, and effectively haven't been single since I was 14. The relationship I'm in now began just over 3 weeks after I broke up with my previous girlfriend -- my last relationship was long-distance and kept mostly a secret from my family, and I was deeply depressed and unhappy in that relationship because we were so incompatible and I had major anxiety and codependence that led to me doing everything possible to keep the relationship alive. I think I have still not fully developed the skills necessary to have healthy and non-codependent romantic relationships, and I sometimes wonder if I made a mistake jumping right into another serious long-term relationship. In my past relationships and in my broader life, I've felt overwhelming pressure to be as mature, logical, and "reasonable" as possible so as not to let anyone down or stop being good enough for people. I just graduated university and forfeited a lot of my own interests, social life, etc. because I was busy working my ass off, studying and volunteering and padding up my resume so that I could come out "on top." I also generally have really low self-esteem and rely on other people heavily to tell me what my worth is; I'm very much a chronic people-pleaser and feel an immense amount of guilt if what I want conflicts with what other people want from me. I want to start living life on more of my own terms.
A bit about her and our (perceived) incompatibilities:
- She's way more introverted and reclusive than I am - and much mores than the average person, I guess. She's a self-described hermit. She's not as sociable as I am and doesn't make new friends very easily, unless they're very similar morally/politically/behaviourally to her. She's very withdrawn in social settings and feels uncomfortable in most group settings we're in together. She doesn't really talk much to other people when we go out together or when we're with my friends (for example, at get-togethers hosted by mutual friends, or even at my own birthday party, she's usually very quiet, keeps to herself on her phone, and doesn't really chat much when people try to talk to her). I'm introverted in my own ways but I also really value meeting people. It's important to me to see the goodness and value in others, whereas she's a lot more cynical and distrusting than I am. She doesn't have as many friends as me and very rarely sees them in person, though she's made more of an effort lately to keep up with friends. I really value my own independent friendships, but I often feel worried that I'm upsetting or abandoning my girlfriend by prioritizing those other friendships. When we're together in social situations, we're most often attached at the hip and I am constantly worried that if I want to do something that she doesn't want to do or that doesn't involve her (i.e., if I join my friends in conversation and my gf doesn't want to chitchat), I'm going to make her night uncomfortable and unenjoyable. Because she doesn't have a huge social life of her own, I feel responsible for hers. And I repeatedly wish that she was more sociable, because in a lot of cases, her social anxiety/withdrawn behaviour can be uncomfortable for me (though I know it's harder for her) and my friends and family members (and, honestly, me too) have thought of it as very rude, although I know she doesn't mean to be at all - socializing is legitimately extremely difficult for her and she can't do anything about that, nor does she really want to be a different kind of person.
- She doesn't drink, smoke, use any drugs, period. She's completely, 100% morally and ethically opposed to anything like that. She's never had alcohol in her life and is very serious about being completely sober for the rest of her life. She also seems to believe that everyone else should be like that, and that people only drink/use substances/etc. as a way of coping with the harsh realities of the world and/or for unhealthy, toxic, or abusive reasons (which I do agree with to a large extent). That also means that she gets very uncomfortable being in situations where other people are drinking or smoking, even a little bit. She's very uncomfortable with me drinking anything in front of her. I'm by no means a heavy drinker/smoker (I only drink a little bit in social settings) but I'd still like to feel like I can go somewhere with her/with our friends and have one beer and have it be no big deal. We've come to unsatisfying "compromises" (sometimes she'll let me have a drink but will be obviously uncomfortable; sometimes I refuse to drink at all, and it's fine with me but I strongly feel like I'm missing out and being denied the ability to decide what I do and how I have fun). Even one drink can do a huge number on my general/social anxiety, which is really important to me. While it's not a perfect solution, I really don't see how it would hurt anyone, especially because I'm far from a belligerent/violent/abusive person when I drink and literally never drink enough to get seriously inebriated. Same with smoking weed, I guess. It's just a major difference between us. I find myself repeatedly, and very very shamefully, wishing I could do what I want/wishing she wouldn't come to things just so that I can let loose without worrying that I'm upsetting/displeasing her.
- She doesn't have that many creative hobbies, passions, etc. and isn't really as excited or interested in life in general as I am. She's generally really cynical about the world and doesn't seem to find a whole lot of beauty in it (although I don't think she's a bitter old grouch -- it's not). I'm really interested in cultivating more creative hobbies and I find life and people in it to be really beautiful and fascinating, and I repeatedly wish she felt the same and had passions of her own to share with me (other than a couple of very select things which frankly don't always appeal to me). I don't have a problem with the stuff she does enjoy, and I express interest in her hobbies and interests, but I guess I just wis she had a different attitude about life in general. I feel like my own growth and creative/spiritual pursuits aren't as important or, at the very least, not interesting. It's just nice to have a partner who sees eye to eye with you on stuff like that...
- I also wish we'd have more sex, but that's a bit lower on my list of priorities. We're both busy, so I get it, but it's like, once every 2-3 weeks at this point, and I just wish that was different without it feeling forced or uncomfortable for her. Obviously, I'd never want her to do anything she doesn't want to do - no always means no. I can make more of an effort in that department, but because she's not as passionate about it/about sex in general as I am (my drive is much higher than hers) I feel worried that she's just forcing it for my sake. Actually... I generally worry she's forcing just about anything, which is likely an unfair judgment on my part but it really does feel like it sometimes because she's seemingly so reserved/nonchalant/indifferent to a lot of things, at least in her demeanour. I also have my own insecurities that come into the mix, so I'm also partially "to blame" and have my own issues to work through.
I don't think she's a bad person or that any of these things are inherently flaws. Honestly, I respect her and her decisions so much! I just maybe am more different than I thought, and am starting to re-evaluate what I want out of a relationship/out of my life in general. I want to be free to have fun and be allowed to make mistakes, since I've spent most of my life feeling really restricted that way and have done everything to make others happy at the expense of my own happiness. I feel increasingly stressed about the relationship and immensely guilty over wishing things were different. I want to be a good girlfriend to her and to support her in everything, always, because we truly do really love each other and can't bear the thought of being apart. But I'm also concerned that I'm going to continue feeling like this, that we're going to resent each other, that I'm being unfair to her, that she deserves better, etc. I feel like I'm being selfish and hurtful. I feel guilty for wanting these things in the first place. I feel angry and annoyed in her direction and I hate myself for feeling that way.
Everything else about our relationship is great and she's honestly more sweet and supportive and kind than I could ever ask for. It's clear she loves me a lot and has put in so much time and energy for me. I want to be the best person I can be for her but I'm worried we're incompatible and I'm really beating myself up for it. We had a long talk about this last night, and it's also been discussed in multiple conversations over the last couple of years, but we just mutually don't see a way through this other than one of us drastically changing who we are as people.
What can we do to work through this? Any advice, suggestions, similar stories, etc. would be greatly appreciated. I'm feeling so vulnerable and guilty about all of this and I don't know what to do.
TL;DR: Been with my girlfriend for 2.5 years and, though I love so many things about her/us, I feel increasingly stressed about incompatibilities in our personalities and desires, and I'm feeling restricted and resentful that I can't "let go" and be young and carefree when I'm with her. I feel a lot of guilt around this and don't know how to move forward.
Submitted October 31, 2019 at 01:50PM by softghost7 https://ift.tt/323FXEX
No comments:
Post a Comment