A little info before I start. My Mom and Dad have been together for years, and they’re really good people. Both of them do a lot of work in the community, and while they can be quite conservative, they mean well.
My Mom struggled with her mental health for most of my childhood and after years of treatment is much better now than she was, but still finds some things tough. (I’m conscious of wanting to be sensitive about this issue, which is why I’m posting on reddit instead of telling her straight that her behaviour makes me feel like crap.)
Disclaimer aside, I have a hard time telling my Mom “no”, and it’s starting to really affect my life, to the point where I now dread giving my Mom an answer I know she’ll dislike.
If I ever have to tell her that I can’t do something she’s asked me to - visit home, go for dinner, meet up for a day, etc. - she makes me feel guilty until I relent and give in.
When she was at her most unwell, she would sometimes harm herself when left unattended, and although she doesn’t bring that up when guilt-tripping me now, she often leaves her sentences unfinished for me to fill in the blanks.
The reason I’m posting this tonight is because last weekend, my parents invited themselves to my house on the second weekend of November. The drive between our houses is a few hours, and normally my partner and I go to them, but periodically they like to visit us instead.
Usually this is fine, but this time I really don’t want them to.
I’ve got lots of reasons for this, but it’s partly because we already have some loose plans on the weekend they want to visit, and I currently have a demanding job that means I like to de-stress on a weekend.
My parents visiting will be stressful in itself, as it means I have to clean the house with surgical precision (OCD was a big part of my Mom’s illness and she still struggles with untidiness) and cancel on my friends.
I’ve explained to my parents on several occasions that the weekend they’ve picked doesn’t work for me, and I’ve suggested multiple alternatives.
My Dad is really easy going about it all, but my Mom has already started to pile on the pressure. When she feels like I’m letting her down, she always wheels out the same monologue about how I don’t like spending time with her “now that [I’m] grown up”, and she knows just how to pluck at my heartstrings when she does it. There have even been tears in the past.
She tried it this time but I didn’t relent. My partner was proud of me for being firm, as it frustrates her (understandably) when I crumble to pressure from my Mom.
However, my Mom messaged me tonight telling me how excited she is to hang out, followed by an itinerary of the day she wants to spend on the imminent weekend.
I feel like I’ve been clear with my Mom but I’m so worried about hurting her feelings. I don’t want to bow to pressure again and agree to seeing them next weekend, but I don’t know what else to do!
TL;DR - my Mom emotionally manipulates me into spending time with her, and I need it to stop without damaging our relationship.
Submitted October 31, 2019 at 05:33PM by imjstaguywhocantsayn https://ift.tt/2NukAHJ
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