My [24F] partner [27M] cheated on me several years ago and I said I’d forgive him, but I’m still not over it and fear I may never be.

Tl;dr Person I moved overseas for cheated on me several years ago. Thought I’d be able to move past it but still haven’t. Been living together for years and I know breaking up would destroy us both. Not sure how to proceed.

Several years ago I met my partner while travelling during uni. We started a relationship and eventually I had to go back to uni while he went back to his country to start a job. We kept up the long distance relationship and decided that I would move to his country after I graduated since I was never going to find a job in my field I’m my (very rural) town anyway, and we decided I’d join him in his country when I graduated (which was just in 6 months.)

I know it all sounds very fast to decide to move to a different country, and it was, but this is my first serious relationship and we were just infatuated.

The long distance was actually fine for the first 5.5 months, but then leading up to my arrival (like 2 weeks prior) he started being quite distant, which obviously freaked me out.

When I arrived things were weird, and they only got weirder. At times he seemed happy to be with me and other times he was just really irritable and nothing like the loving guy I’d dropped everything to be with. I felt really cheated because I’d agreed to leave my friends and family behind on the assumption that I was doing so to be with a really sweet guy, and that guy was no longer there.

I realised straight away that he was texting a girl from work all the time, like even when we were in bed about to go to sleep, he’d be texting her. I confronted him several times about it and he denied that anything was going on, said they were just friends, etc.

Eventually I decided I was going to leave him, but before I even made any signs that could’ve made him realise that, he came clean. He said he’d had feelings for the girl because things were easy with her and complicated with me, and they’d kissed a few weeks earlier. I was devastated but somehow felt relieved after being made to feel like I’d been unreasonable all that time.

He said he was so sorry and he’d realised he only ever wanted to be with me. At the time I was still completely infatuated so I said I’d forgive him and give him another chance. I was still very hurt, but I figured I’d be able to get over it eventually.

That was three years ago. Since then, he’s been a dedicated partner and I’ve never doubted he wants to be with me. He constantly talks about marriage and kids, and behaves in a way that makes me think he sees me as the one. But I’m still upset about the cheating, and I’m starting to think it might be a dealbreaker.

I know he’d be devastated if after three years I turned around and broke up with him over something that happened so long ago, but I just don’t know that I’ll ever feel secure with him. He betrayed me at my most vulnerable point, when I was new in his country and had no support network whatsoever, and he did it because “things were complicated.” Sometimes I imagine marrying him and having kids, and having him cheat on me again while I’m pregnant or something and things aren’t “easy.”

I also fear that if I have kids with him, I’ll never be able to move back to my home country due to custody considerations. I want to be able to help my parents when they grow old, and I worry I’ll be stuck overseas because of a decision I made when I was in my early 20’s.

At the same time, I love him and he obviously loves me and I know we’d both be devastated if we broke up. I can’t imagine a life without him, and I worry I’d regret breaking up with him for the rest of my life.

Sometimes I feel like I’m looking at two paths: one where I stay with him and am unhappy and don’t get to see my family again, and one where I break up with him and regret it for the rest of my life.

What do I do?

Submitted September 03, 2019 at 12:09AM by Brrrontosaurus https://ift.tt/32nqr7m