My bf (36m) and I (34f) have been together over a decade and while everyone has ups and downs, we've been generally happy and on the same page for most of that time. When we got together we were in our 20s and just scraping by $$ was mission #1 -- kids are something that didn't come up until 4 years ago during an argument when he asked for more time.
2 years ago, it came up again -- again, during not the best "communicative circumstances" -- and he put a lot of it on me; "how did I expect to be a mom when I put so much into my career." I do work a lot, always have and since then I've tried to consciously create better work boundaries / less hours, although it's still a pretty big part of who I am and where I put a lot of my energy.
A few weeks ago, I brought it up again and this time it wasn't a fight, but he acknowledged that I wanted kids and it was clear this wasn't something that he was happy about. He sees himself as "old" and it meaning he'll have to work more years. One of the ways we're different is I think he's pretty excited for retirement years and I'll probably work until the day I drop dead.
I have no question that he loves me so much and we have a nice life; well traveled, no stress about paying bills and if it was just him, the dog and I until the end of time, he'd be happy as a clam. He requires very little to be content and is an all around fantastic person that care a lot about.
We have never been great about talking about "big stuff." While with my career it's easy for me to rip the band aid off and defuse any situation, with talking to him I struggle. I have a lot of anxiety about how he will react. While he doesn't require much in life, he is a particular person and I am typically the people pleaser who makes the compromise to ensure everything stays calm.
What I have been struggling with now for years and obviously the last couple of months in particular is finding the right words. I honestly don't know what to say or how to say it. No day seems like a good day to bring this topic back up for some closure and I go into a weird PTSD zone of doing nothing but spending more time on work.
I already know what he wants (or doesn't want rather), although I think its important he says it out loud and matter of fact. If today he flipped and decided he wanted a baby with me, I think I would be extremely hesitant as the last thing I want is a family with someone who at the root of who they are, does not want to raise children. So the thing I am saying I guess, to all you strangers is I need to breakup with him and holy hell, if I didn't know how to properly bring up the kids topic, I really don't know how to find the words for that. I've never had to delve into how to breakup as an adult and I am clueless and terrified.
I own the house we live in. I've paid all the mortgage payments and bulk of bills - everything is in my name. Do I just go balls out and say, "Real talk, I want kids, I know you don't. I don't want to talk about this anymore than you do and am terrified of what happens next. Thoughts?" and hold my breath??
I think I am ready to get this done with and move on with my life. There is never going to be a right time for this conversation and I am struggling so hard when he seems honestly happier than he's seemed in years.
tldr; How do you break up with someone you live with (and you're not moving out) when you care about eachother but don't see eye to eye on kids?
Submitted September 04, 2019 at 12:56PM by thegirlspinsmadlyon https://ift.tt/2UxQR3x
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