There's this person in my social circle and I recently realized that I might be envious of her. I feel petty and stupid for feeling like this & I'm struggling to overcome my envious feelings towards her. I would really appreciate any advice or insight that people might have?
To give a brief background, her and her SO have been together for 7 years and recently got engaged after she gave him a semi-ultimatum that he has to propose by their 7th anniversary. She constantly talks about how solid their relationship is and how they are on the same page about everything. Also, I'm not on Facebook but a mutual friend showed me her profile the other day to show me something and I noticed that she posts constantly about their relationship. Everyone comments how they are the "perfect" couple and #relationshipgoals.
I wish I could be happy for them, but I just can't.
I think my issue with her stemmed from a series of conversations we had last year. My SO and I had been together for about 2 years at that time and just moved in. All of a sudden we started fighting a lot, mainly about things related to living together that we didn't talk about in advance. Both of us have been living alone for 10+ years so I think we forgot what it was like to live with someone again. I had confided in her about this and asked her if this was normal and if so, how did she and her SO get over things like this. She just shook her head and said that her and her SO never fight.
Ever since then, whenever we hang out, she constantly criticizes couples who fight and says that she doesn't understand couples who are together when they fight. She gives me a pointed look when she talks about this. She emphasizes how her and her SO are on the same page about everything and never argue. Initially, this made me feel really bad, but I decided to ignore her and work on our relationship. I'm glad we did, because our relationship is in a really good place right now. I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but after that weird phase where we fought a lot, we actually feel a lot closer and seem to appreciate each other in a different way. We still argue once or twice a month, but I find that we usually deescalate way quicker than before and find ways to resolve it before it turns into a fight.
Later on, I actually learned that this is normal in relationships, to go through a phase like that and I'm really glad I decided to ignore her and not give up on our relationship. We still have our ups and downs but I'm committed to our relationship even though it's not "perfect" like hers. I think her and I just have different approaches to relationships because of our parents. Both her and her SO's parents are divorced and remarried, whereas my SO's parents and my parents are still married: the model they set for us was that things aren't always going to be sunny, but you work together as a team through the rough times, and no matter how bad things get, you can work things out if both parties make the effort.
I learned a lot about myself and my values in the last year or so after moving in, especially when it comes to commitment. But since then, I've also felt a bit resentful of this friend. I find it hard to believe that you can date someone for 7 years and never argue, and it feels like she just says things like that to try and make me feel bad or have doubts about my relationship.
Also. . . this is the REALLY petty part. In the past, whenever I would wear a ring (that I bought for myself, on my right hand), she would constantly talk about how her and her SO were JUST talking about how they might get that kind of ring. So if one day I wore a ruby halo ring, she'd spend the next few days talking about how her and her SO are thinking about getting a halo style or doing a gemstone like a ruby. If I'd wear an emerald-cut ring, she'd talk about how she's leaning towards an emerald cut, etc. I bought these rings for myself to celebrate a significant moment, like finishing grad school, etc, and of course she would never congratulate or comment on the occasion I bought the ring for, since it was all about her. One day we were talking about engagement rings, and I mentioned my dream ring. Guess who went and got that exact ring?
On top of that, here's where it gets even more petty. My SO and I started a tradition last year of hosting a secret santa holiday party before people leave to visit families out of town for the holidays. In June, she announced that her and her SO were starting their tradition of hosting a secret santa party and she extended verbal invitations to all of our mutual friends. This was back in JUNE. I'm annoyed because we were planning to continue our tradition but now that she already invited everyone in JUNE, people have already committed to going to hers and/or we will just have to find another day. The cherry on top: my SO and I purchased our home last year. 2 bedrooms. Modest starter home. Guess who just purchased a 3 bedroom in the same neighborhood?
At this point, I kinda hate her. :/ I'm sorry, I feel terrible but I do. She doesn't seem to bother anyone else so I think it might just be my envy? Not to mention, she is always bragging about how her and her SO are on the same page, but when you really think about it, she has been wanting to get engaged for the last THREE years & that's all she has ever talked about for the last 3 years. It took a semi-ultimatum to actually get him to commit to being on the same page as her, so I feel like she has no right to criticize people that are not always on the same page. But again, maybe that's just my envy talking?
I'm running out of excuses to avoid hanging out with her. I avoid events I know she will be there. She seems to bring out the worst in me. I know it's me, not her, and I need to work on my envy, but I feel bad after hanging out with her. Like why isn't my relationship perfect like hers? People will ask if they can invite her and her SO to events I plan and IDK what to say to them. I don't want to admit how I feel. Any suggestions on how to handle situations like this?
TLDR: Friend (32F) constantly flaunts how perfect her relationship is, and I feel envious. I try to avoid her because I feel bad after hanging out with her but I'm running out of excuses not to be around her. Help!!!
Submitted September 05, 2019 at 12:32PM by zero_0904 https://ift.tt/2PQZZBF
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