EDIT: Thank you, everyone for the perspective. I know it needs to be over. It’s quite frankly abusive. Many of you articulated the uncomfortable truths I couldn’t bring myself to say. As emotionally sensitive and intelligent as I try to be, this felt like such disorienting revelation, it has altered how I think I perceive the world. I’m not a too-trusting person (lawyer!!!) but apparently was more love-blind than I thought. Going to find a safe way to cut it off and move on (with a therapist’s help.)
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TLDR: just found out boyfriend of ten years planted a cam in my apartment for a few months years ago. How do I get past this? Should I?
My boyfriend of 10 years and I live an hour apart. He is 47 and I’m 38. We have lots of practical reasons for this, but spend a lot of time at each other’s places. He has a son (not mine.) We are both highly educated (lawyer/doctor.) We also consider ourselves married, though there are reasons why this isn’t a “legal” thing, we exchanged vows at one point years ago. He is the love of my life.
Our sex life is amazing. We have an intense connection and are very explorative together. It is nearly other-worldly. It’s not just sex. It’s a very intimate and open and beautiful connection we have nurtured. Additionally I’m very kinky and voyeuristic and he enjoys this side of me. It’s one of the richest parts of our connection and fundamental for us.
Recently while watching a porno together, he let slip that at the beginning of our relationship, he planted a camera in my apartment for some months. He said when he fell in love with me, he took it out. Because He wanted to be “different with me.”
He has a lot of pain and trust issues from past relationships. I think one of the things he loved about me was that I had empathy for that and made him feel safe. I love very openly and earnestly, and have a heart for people. I cultivated that because my father abused me for years and I learned to forgive him and see it as a product of the pain and abuse he suffered. I spent years in therapy and using alternative healing (I.e. Ayahuscua)
It hasn’t always been perfect. We have had some bumps. He left me after we had been together for the first six months. He came back a year and a half later. I’m not the type to take someone back, but he was honest about some things. He told me he was insecure; that he didn’t feel like enough. He made a lot of choices then that hurt me. But When he came back he was different. He is very loving and good to me now. He isn’t the person who planted that camera. I do believe him that there are not any now.
However, I feel very disoriented. He knows I have PTSD from an assault and a stalking incident (different people) which I spent a long time healing from (successfully!) Im very private and the only place I’ve ever felt safe is in my own home. Despite knowing he isn’t spying on me now, I feel so violated and repulsed. Worse, I sometimes doubt I should feel that way because it was so long ago and everything about us now is so great.
When I think about what he saw, I feel nauseous. I don’t have any shame about it. I wouldn’t even care if he saw me masturbate or do something like that. But there are so many things I do only because I feel safe to - like say the dialogue from the stories in my head out loud, or dance like nobody is watching (ironic.) I’m not embarrassed about those things. But I didn’t choose to share them with him. He took them from me. It’s the worst kind of invasion I could experience.
Despite that, I can understand why he was motivated to do it (WITHOUT excusing it. I will never believe it was ok or justified.) I don’t think he is a bad person. I think he used to do some really shitty things to people. And apparently to me.
My question is how do I get past this? Should I? I have been fixating for months on it. I go rigid when he touches me. I’m not able to feel a connection to him like I used to. If I get super drunk or stoned, I can at least have sex with him. I still love him and desire him, but I can’t make myself feel emotionally safe with him now. (Never felt physically unsafe.)
He feels confused because he thinks everything we have had since then should prove to me he isn’t that guy and wouldn’t hurt me and that it’s in the past. I once told him there isn’t anything he can do to make me not love him. And that’s true. But not I have an instinct that he’s not safe emotionally and I can’t seem to get past it. He can tell I am withdrawn.
The worst part - even if we wanted to work through it, he is leaving for a year long deployment of sorts with his company. I’ll see him about once every two weeks. Not enough time for therapy or to give me the security and presence I need to work through this. I am resilient and forgiving and I sometimes think I could heal from this if I felt like he would own it. But I can’t imagine how long it would take to rebuild the trust.
I’m worried I’ll become resentful and distant. I’m already choking back how I feel about it because I’m so disoriented.
I am trying to understand this and thought make insights would help. Im not a doormat and am very independent and confident and have good boundaries. I also understand people do horrible things that don’t define them; that they fuck up; that they have pain and damage.
What should I do? Is there any way to let it go and rebuild the trust? Especially with the distance - now both physical and emotional between us? If any of you have that amazing loving relationship in your life and you found this out, what would you do? What would you expect from them? What would help you feel safe again? I dont even know. I don’t want to let him go, but I don’t know how to fix it either. And if I can’t, I have the courage to walk away.
Submitted September 06, 2019 at 12:27PM by CuteNoot8 https://ift.tt/2HUbAts
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