How do I (24M) best go about telling my mom (60F) that I do not accept her apology and I want to distance our relationship?

About 2 weeks ago, my mom and I got into a really big fight over something she really blew out of proportion.

I went to a baseball game with my dad and older brother, but did not extend an invitation to my half brother. The game was a monday afternoon so I just didn't invite him because he was going to be at school. Not because I didn't want him to come.

This ended with her exploding at me because I didn't treat him like he was a part of our family. She thought I didn't invite him because I didn't want him to come or some stupid bullshit like that.

Anyway, we had a huge argument and then I just hung up on her.

I texted my younger brother and told him to "mom might be upset when you get home so just he ready..." because she has a tendency to lash out at anyone and everyone when an argument arises.

Anyways, my younger brother decided to tell my mom that I essentially was talking bad about her behind her back and then she left me a pretty horrible voicemail on my phone and I did not contact her for over 2 weeks until today.

On her voicemail she said a bunch of horrible shit. The most stinging thing being "...and wow. You went to college for five years to get a pre med and psychology degree? Well you really should have thought that through because you are a fucked up, emotionally unavailable, selfish narcissist."

This is all while on the phone saying "how shitty I am as a son and brother" and "then saying I dont care if we never talk again. I'm tired of putting up with bullshit from my kids."

for context, my whole life with her has been pretty shitty. My dad cheated on her when I was born and it caused a huge divorce and rift in the family. She was always emotionally distant and cold my whole childhood. I always tried my hardest throughout my life to be a good son to her because I knew she was hurting and was not trying to hold anything against her I call her every single day and ask how she is doing and how her day went.

I intentionally took a zero on a massive midterm in genetics so I could be with her in the hospital when she was getting surgery for ovarian cancer.

I always let her vent her frustrations out on me and listen to her when she needs an ear to listen. But after she left me a nearly 10 minute voicemail berating me and saying all those horrible things I can't really justify being in a relationship with her anymore. Someone that thinks that negatively of me does not need to be in my life.

This morning, after two weeks, she finally called me to apologize and saying she has spent two weeks regretting what she said to me the second she hung up the phone. She was saying "I dont know why I feel the need to lash out at people like that. I am so disgusted about what I said to my own son that I can't even sleep." Etc etc.

I told her that I need a few days before we talk again.

I do not accept her apology though. This has been a recurring cycle throughout my entire life. It's a cycle where she was say really horrible shit to me out of anger and frustration and then she apologizes and I accept said apology. Then we move on. I can't, for my own mental wellbeing, accept this apology. To me it just gives her the okay to say that shit to me because I'll just accept the apology and move on.

I was extremely affected, saddened, and depressed by the things she said to me in that voicemail. If I just accept her apology my feelings toward what she said will be invalidated.

I also wish to distance my relationship with her. But I'm stuck with this because I know she struggles with mental health and I always seemed to be the person that was around to help her through it, but she does not seem to realize that.

I'm scared to do this because I dont know how it will truly affect her knowing i wish to distance and possibly cut ties with her.

I still love her with all my heart, but I cannot do this to myself anymore. Help me. How do I navigate this?

TLDR- mom overreacted to a dumb situation and then left me an extremely toxic and vitriolic voicemail 2 weeks ago that really affected me. I did not speak to her for two weeks until she called to apologize to me this morning. I dont accept her apology and wish to distance myself from her, but I am scared to do this because she struggles with mental health and I still love her.

Submitted September 03, 2019 at 01:53PM by JaDinklageMorgoone https://ift.tt/2NQu4hZ