Should I (26F) Report my Grandfather (80sM) for Elder Abuse Against my Grandmother (80sF)? If Not - Is There a Way to Help This Situation? [Long]
If you take the time to read this, thank you. I need advice and perspective badly.
Background: My grandparents have been married for over 60 years. They have always had a rock solid relationship as far as everyone knew. It’s come to light more recently that my grandmother took care of essentially all the responsibility a relationship requires. For context, they both worked. She took care of managing bills, calendars, birthdays, events, housekeeping, getting him to take his own medication, really anything you might think of. My granddad did work; he wasn’t a bum. But he was accustomed to living a life that was mainly managed and taken care of by her.
Since they have gotten much older, things have changed. She has Alzheimer’s, and for reasons I will go in to later, the decline has been rapid. Both in the early stages of the disease, as well as now, he maintains the same expectations that he had of her in her prime. We’ll ask where/when something is, and his response is always “ask you grandmother/mother”. He’s so used to her managing his life, that he will tell us to ask her if he wants pretzels. That’s not a joke. We’ll say to him, “would you like some pretzels?” and his response is “ask your mother.”
So hopefully that serves to describe the nature of their relationship. Now imagine this same level of dependency, but with a woman who now has a short-term memory function of about 30 seconds.
It’s my belief that a mixture of this dependency and a type of ignorant pride has created a terrible situation. They were both in total denial about her forgetfulness from the beginning. My grandfather specifically has never been capable of admitting he is aging. It’s a complicated time for him, I’m sure, and though I may not understand his dilemma, I am able to see how his choices harm my grandmother.
Part of his denial specifically, is an unwillingness to move from the too-large home where they raised their children. (Note: she has always been willing to move.)
After she first started to show symptoms, we somehow convinced them to tour a very swanky retirement community. It’s a type of community that takes resident trips to Paris, and that does not admit people with already diagnosed memory issues (they provide care through end of life, no matter the cost). My grandfather, all of 85ish years old at the time, looked around at the residents with ages ranging from 60s to 90s, and said with disgust, “there’s so many old people here”.
Since then there have been countless efforts to get them to move somewhere that is better capable of handling both of their declining health (his physical, and hers physical and mental), but he is unwilling to budge. As a family, we have never wanted to force a move, but watching has been painful.
My grandmother is not receiving adequate medical care. A man who didn’t manage his own pillbox his entire life, now manages both hers and his own. I am certain she does not always receive the right pills, if any. She faints often due to dehydration. A doctor has told him this explicitly. She cannot remember well enough to drink herself. He is apparently incapable of handing her water. The last time I visited her, I learned that she had been wearing the same clothes for at least four days. He either did not help her with this, or did not notice. Up until recently, he still poured her glasses of wine despite being told not to by his children and many doctors. These are examples, but it is a widespread pattern.
He is terrible with his own health as well. He’s fallen several times, and has specifically told me not to tell my mother, who is a nurse. I think he is afraid she will turn vindictive and goading that she was right, or something like that. The truth is that it just makes her sad.
Once they had a neighborhood friend visiting, and my grandfather told the friend that he thought maybe ceiling lights were causing his wife to frequently faint. Two different doctors had already told him it was a simple case of dehydration. He makes out the medical issues to be more complicated. Is it so people will be more sympathetic? I don’t know.
It is reasonable to say that an old man should not be made into a nurse for his also aging wife. But his pride does not allow him to hire an in-home nurse (it would be affordable for them), and his pride certainly would make it impossible for them to move to a facility - though with her illness, their options are rapidly narrowing.
It’s my belief that a mixture of ignorant pride and incompetence on the part of my grandfather has accelerated the progress of my grandmother’s disease, and has lost us good time with her, as well as actively causing her pain and distress.
But it is also complicated because he is not a mean or malicious man. His actions harm her, but I wonder if he is so deep in denial that he doesn’t know it.
Another complication that I worry about is that I’m their grandchild. Is this simply not my place? I know their children are agonized by the situation, but I wonder if they would ever do anything. I think they are hoping he will die so we can whisk her away. But can that be waited for? I want her to receive proper care, and while I do not hate my grandfather, my grandmother’s health needs to be prioritized, even if it hurts him.
I am afraid that a lot of people in their lives are too close to this issue to see how bad it is. It has been a gradual development to this point, and I desperately need outside perspective.
I live near them, and don’t visit often. I should go more, and family living further away has reminded me I should. But going there makes me so sad and angry that I don’t. It’s selfish, but I don’t know what else to do. I suppose if this post has no solution, I would also love advice on how I can visit them and not have my soul crushed each time.
TL;DR: My Grandmother’s health and quality of life are suffering as a result of my Grandfather’s pride and incompetence - but he is not hurting her intentionally. What is the best way to deal with this situation and help her?
Submitted July 11, 2019 at 08:41AM by GuttedGrandaughter https://ift.tt/2Lh1FRP
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