My [35 F] is being guilted into not visiting my abusive [M 68] father in hospital as he might be on his last legs.

Throwaway account. Hey guys, my dad was taken into hospital last week after suffering a heart attack. His arteries are badly diseased and open heart surgery is his only option now which is taking place today.

I cut my father from my life many years ago, a bit of back story: I had a bad childhood, my father was abusive and didn't work and I rarely saw my mum who was always at work. I am one of 7 children so there wasn't enough of anything to go around, let alone affection. We lived in poverty the whole time.

At 12, I was groomed by a family friend (24 years older than me) and my parents discovered this when I was 15 years old. This man had become a father figure to me and I'd lost a good friend to suicide when I was 12 making me very vulnerable. They didn't call the police when they found out. They confronted him and then threw me out on my 16th birthday to live with him as I had nowhere else to go. I'm safe now, I managed to get away when I turned 18 and have had a fairly normal life since despite suffering a truly awful ordeal.

I cut both parents out my life, only seeing them on things like weddings, funerals etc. We're civil (parents are now divorced). I've tried over the years to have a relationship with them but they're like strangers to me and both of them still very toxic.

Now my dad is in hospital and some of my siblings have tried to convince me to go see him. I said I would if he was at deaths door to see him one last time but had made peace with the thought of not having him in my life. It's too painful to let him back in in particular. He's an all or nothing person and he's either around your house 24/7 or you don't exist to him. He has zero boundaries.

As usual, there has been some kind of Chinese whispers amongst siblings and I received a message off him yesterday from the hospital telling me how angry and upset he is that I wont go see him. That the only bad thing that ever happened to me is "paedo paul" (I hate when he brings it up as it's taken me years to accept what happened to me). He also mentioned that he didn't show us any affection as children as he didn't have any himself from his parents so he never learned how. Then he told me that he hopes he survives the operation else I'll never be able to live with myself.

So here I am trying to start my week off on a positive note and I get all this thrown at me. I'm really not sure what to do. I have no desire to see him, but obviously feel guilty now. This is the reason I cut them out. It's all drama, chaos and poison.

There are loads of other things that have happened but that's a part of it.

Am I being mean for not going? It's not because of what happened to me necessarily as I forgave my parents long ago (for myself) so I could move on with my life instead of being bitter. I just decided that I didn't want them around me and my own children. My children don't even know their grandparents and I think it has been a blessing as they're both happy, healthy children which is how kids should be.

Tl;dr: my estranged father is having heart surgery and I'm being quilted for not going to see him.

Submitted July 01, 2019 at 01:38AM by ttthrowawayaccount19 https://ift.tt/323Eqjq