Me [26/FtM] struggling on whether to break up with girlfriend [24/F] of one year before we move overseas

This might sound cliche: I care a lot for my girlfriend, but I've never been passionately in love. It is an underground affair in many ways, because on the outside we are lesbians and she is from a traditional Chinese family. I am also Chinese and identify as transmaculine (female to male transgender). She herself used to prefer girls, but is totally treating me as a guy and is enjoying our heterosexual-ish dynamics.

When I first met her last April, I was just coming out of a whirlwind relationship that left me in ruins. I was barely returning to myself at the time and was preparing for my immigration to Canada. At first I was her IELTS tutor and didn't really notice her attraction toward me. Later, as we talked more, I became willing to try for a relationship because she was very warm and tender, and mysteriously quiet. Neither of us knew what to do about the separation because of Canada. We entered a relationship, but on lots of things she either didn't know how or refused to open up. Especially, she resists talking about our relationship and prefers to keep her deep feelings and opinions to heart. I love to communicate openly and directly and she sees this as a vice of some sort. She doesn't want to participate in the relationship "game" and prefers to do practical things. Sometimes this leaves me feeling unfulfilled.

I am always on the fence between having and not having strong feelings for her. I know what's like to be with girls, and she is a standard girl. We have great times and not-so-great times just like any other couple. She is reasonably attractive, reasonably intellectual, and reasonably interesting. She is also totally reliable, totally honest and totally kind, and I understand that the latter are truly the best qualities on a long-term partner. I have been through several movie-script relationships that might make ordinary relationships seem quite boring, and she knows it. I told her that I think about breaking up with her, and she knows it. But she still sticks with me. She always smiles and laughs when I am around, and I can feel that she really likes me. She's also told me that I mean a lot to her.

However, there are some recurrent problems in our relationship. For example, she tends to dismiss my emotions because she thinks emotions are without intrinsic value. She also prefers to have more space than me and thinks I'm sometimes too emotionally needy for her to handle. When I try to bring up these problems looking for a solution, she always feels even more consumed by my negativity and refuses to communicate on what I think is vital. When I try to push further she either lashes out from fatigue and frustration, or curl up in her own shell and refuses to talk to me. We are having the same arguments over and over again.

She doesn't like that I keep asking questions about our relationship which sounds like I don't trust her and our relationship. For example, I would ask, "what do you see in me? What can I offer you, so that you're willing to give up on your life in China?" And she would be annoyed and troubled and become very negative towards me. Her strong reaction almost gives the impression that she refuses to examine herself and her own values. We have big fights on a weekly basis and in between are sweet days as if nothing had happened. I pondered breakup in my mind constantly without really acting on it. (FYI: I have a tendency to overanalyze things and get stuck in my thoughts.)

I don't know if my feelings have anything to do with the pressure that forever surrounds us. While meeting me, she was one year after university graduation and didn't have a job. Later, she considered several paths including pursuing a Master's Degree in China, obtaining a certificate, and looking for a job, but didn't get through with them. Later she decided to go to Canada with me as an international student. But her study permit was rejected the first time, and we're trying for the second time. After she met me her English has improved moderately but still makes simple mistakes.

Now we have arrived at a crossroad. I feel that it's too much of a risk for her to come to Canada for me in September, considering my frustrations and doubts about this relationship, and considering that her family has to pay a huge sum of money (they are going to sell a house if she goes). But she knows how I feel and accepts all this, and we have already talked about marriage. I keep thinking that she deserves someone who loves her passionately, and we will both find someone more compatible... But then again maybe we won't, and perhaps my lack of feeling the "highs" might just be a sign that this relationship is healthy and not some crazy shit that throws me on top of the air and then straight down. Maybe I just need to learn some patience and kindness, and some relationship maintenance skills. It's true that all of the fights have been beneficial for me in some way, because I have gotten to know myself better in the process and gained maturity.

I don't know if I should stick it up and wait, or just break up with her and suffer the risk of regret afterwards. More importantly I don't know what's the best for her. I feel very guilty and responsible for all of this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

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**tl;dr**: I am having doubts about my relationship with girlfriend. I am going to Canada this September and she is coming with me, and I don't know if taking such a huge risk is beneficial to her. I am considering breakup but don't know if this is the right choice for both of us.

Submitted July 17, 2019 at 08:47AM by redisokay https://ift.tt/2LYohGc