I’m not really sure if I need advice. I really just need to rant, and confirm that my feelings aren’t completely crazy. Bare with me!
When I met my boyfriend, I had recently gotten out of a relationship, and through sharing our past experiences, he told me that his last serious relationship was about 3 years ago. I knew little about the relationship; I knew her name, he said they dated for about a year, and it was pretty bad and never really that serious. Normal enough for me. So we proceeded on with our relationship.
There was a time we were sitting on my bed, drinking, talking, just enjoying each other.. and he accidentally calls me her name. I wasn’t immediately taken aback.. I mean, it was bothersome, but people make mistakes, right? Although, in my head I’m thinking “after 3 years, he still thinks of her name?” We move on from it, but I, of course, never forgot it.
I should add here, that we were in a long distance relationship in the beginning. He’s in the military stationed in North Carolina, and I was living in Pennsylvania. So, about 6 months into the relationship, I uproot my life (happily, don’t get me wrong) and moved into his home in North Carolina. We were so crazily in love. I still am. He’s always treated me so well. His love for me, I’ve learned over time, has no bounds, and it radiates off of him. But after moving in, I start seeing old pictures online with his ex, and start putting some pieces together with dates. I realize that he, in fact, had been with this woman only 2 months before we had met. Not three years. Obvious confrontation. He plays it off like he just didn’t really care enough about her or that relationship to even bother me with the fact that it was recent. Shitty response, but we ultimately move on.
So, after a few whirlwind months of amazing love with this man, I become pregnant with our now 9 month old son. I notice one day that he received a piece a mail that had his name on it, alongside his ex’s name, with HIS last name as hers. I confront him, of course, and he brushes it off like he didn’t know why that happened and it was some sort of mistake. Okay, maybe. Y’all, I’m too understanding sometimes! So, it happens a few more times before I finally confront him again. I guess my gut started to get that feeling that something was off. I straight up ask him, “were you married to her?” Totally not ready to hear if he had been, but he, of course, shakes that off as a ridiculous thought. Okay, I trust this man. With my life, honestly.
Today, he receives yet another piece of mail with both of their names on it. The mail is always from the bank he has his mortgage with, so my gut started to feel funny again, and I’m starting to really feel the urge to get to the bottom of this. Assuming both of their names are on it is because maybe he put her name on the house when he bought it? And maybe they mistakenly put his last name on hers during the mailing process? That had to be what it was. And obviously, even the thought of that had me starting to reel up a little bit. I mean, that would be a pretty big thing to lie about, but nothing we can’t get to the bottom of. To confirm my suspicions, I look up his name in our county’s register of deeds.. and there it all was. The power of attorney papers he signed over to her, the separation agreements. Everything, finally pieced together, and my heart completely shattered. The dates of the separation agreement are after we had begun dating, and the divorce papers weren’t signed until a year after that.. while I was pregnant with our child.
After confronting him about it, he doesn’t feel much regret. He told me they were married for six years. That it was so absolutely terrible that he never wanted to think about or relive it again. So for his selfish reasons, he lied to me, even after I gave him chances to tell the truth. And when asked what was so terrible about it that he had to hide such a huge life thing.. he could only come up with average relationship things that break a lot of people up. He’s upset and sorry that I’m hurting, but he’s not sorry he did it. His words.
As if this isn’t enough of an on-the-fence deal breaker for me, the fact that he seems not to have much, if any, empathy towards anything about this just pushes me over more towards the breaker side. I don’t think he realizes that he stole a lot of decisions from me that I could’ve possibly made differently based off of his past situation. Maybe I wouldn’t have. But I should’ve had the opportunity to make that decision for myself. But because he selfishly wanted to just “not talk about it,” I have to find out this way and feel so stuck that I’ve built a family with this man based off of lies.
My plan right now is to just give him space to try and soak in everything, and see if he comes around with a little more empathy, and realizes that this would be something that would need a lot of fixing in our relationship. It feels like a huge betrayal, and if his plan is to blow it off.. I know what I have to do. And while he’s doing that, I’m taking my space to think and figure out, logically, if it’s even what i want anymore. Because I’m not sure I’d be able to get past it, and if it’s worth the mental and emotional anguish to even try.
If you’ve taken the time to read through this, I bless your heart. He has made statements that basically only I would feel betrayed, and that I’m probably in the minority of people in this world that would let this bother them this much. He say’s it wouldn’t bother him, roles reversed, but I can’t picture that being true. If I am the minority, please tell me.. but I know I have to have some justifications in this crazy situation!
TL;DR Boyfriend of 2.5 years never told me he was married for six years; got caught lying about many facts about that relationship, and enough red flags sent me to look up public records and I found his separation agreement, dated during the time we had already started dating, and divorce papers a year later while I was pregnant with our son
Submitted July 15, 2019 at 01:17PM by sugarandspicedrum https://ift.tt/32pYZXn
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