Former in-laws (60s M F) pressure me (45) into letting them visit my pets. I said no, so their solution is pressure me to let them visit them without me, in my house.

I (M45) got divorced a year and a half ago. Since a few months, I’m in therapy for an unrelated PTSD issue. It is turning me upside down and inside out, and I can’t predict today how I will be tomorrow. Not the situation in which I want my former MiL and FiL in my house. And something I try to resolve ASAP, as to not let it ruin my career.

The divorce was not messy at all, but some lies came to surface. Reason enough to not be on speaking terms with my ex, but I do not cultivate hate either. FiL saw himself as the biggest victim in all this, dropping his own daughter, worrying about how his friends will see him now his daughter broke up her marriage. And having to miss his grandpets (This is what he calls my pets).

I find the in-laws complex to deal with. I’m European and they are Asian. I do not pick up on hints hidden in unfamiliar traditions. My ex would always jump between them and me, to make sure I do not set them off. But without that filter, shit hits the fan over things I cannot predict. The fFiL is super silent. His wife and daughter (my ex) constantly watch his tiniest actions just to see if he is normal silent or annoyed silent treatment silent. To which my reaction is: He's an adult, if he wants something or needs somenthing, he can say so. He pretty much ignores all conversation, and is constantly feeding my pets treats.

​

Example

​

I have two cats and a dog. A year ago, they offered to look after them while I go on vacation. First I hesitated. I do not like to depend on others, but they insisted. Okay, let’s do this. They said they’d leave on the 12th to look after the house of a friend of theirs, about an hours drive from their own house. I book tickets and I can make my trip abroad financially possible by booking a cheap flight. But the fight gets me home in the early morning of the 10th. Neato, right? Wrong. Who knew you need 3 days to pack to stay two weeks in a house one hour away? I am not exaggerating here, this was literally their argument. Days of arguments from them and me organizing other people to look after my animals instead (against my nature) and them feeling dishonored by me doing so, resulted in their decision to look after the animals anyway. Shame on me.

I can’t deal with such random eruptions now, because I’m on shaky ground getting finding a new balance in my life. My emotions are delicate at the moment, so I am not into random drama, or confrontations with the divorce even though that is not a big issue anymore. Also, I am not into criticism of any kind on my house. Their daughter is not my wife anymore, so my kitchen is now my atelier. That’s the upshot in all this for me. Room for art, finally. And I do not want any arguments about that.

​

The current issue

​

The former in-laws send me texts that they want to see us again. In my language, you can see if the “you” in “I want to see you” is in plural or not. I was shocked it was. Do they want to mend the marriage? No fucking way. But with “you” they did not mean ’you and our daughter’, but “you and the animals”. I got the feeling they’d mostly like to see my furry friends, though; That I’m just the person that happens to be in the way of that wish. The former in-laws behave as if the pets are their grandchildren whom they need to see grow up. I tell them no, and explain my PTSD situation, thinking they’d cut me some slack, but I was wrong. Or maybe I was right: that this is not about seeing me.

​

Previously, I had the feeling the fFiL had been in my house. My animals responded accordingly: no urge to eat (stuffed) and my dog jumped the couch. Dog always violates my rules (no the couch etc) for a few days after fFil had let him do it anyway. I can’t prove they were in my house, but the thought alone made me uneasy. Getting some piece of mind is reason enough to change the lock. Some time passed. Next time they visited, they spontaneously gave me their old key to my house. Interesting. Did they notice it did not fit anymore?

​

The day before yesterday had fMiL on the phone. If they can come over to see me. No. I refer to the PTSD-status again. She starts asking if they could see my animals without me then. I tell her no. This question is repeated 5 or 6 times, with me politely but firmly saying no, and her getting gradually more emotional and frustrated about it. I got fed up with repeating myself, so I start the usual small talk that inevitably steers to the end of a phone call. All the best to you too, regards to the fFiL, ciao.

​

I won’t put a date on the moment I am feeling better, as I was asked. It’s ups and downs, but mostly my emotional state is delicate. This post is not about the PTSS, though, that is just the context. The bottom line is: I feel too vulnerable, now. I get no compassion for that. Just the question “I do not want to put pressure on you, but why can’t we just go to your house when you are not there? Because not seeing the pets is unbearable.” is repeated with different emotional flavors.

​

So my questions are these:

​

I guess I need to hear if my actions are justified.

• It’s okay to claim my own spacetime now I really need it, right? Do y’all agree they are crossing a boundary?
• It’s strange they are pushing to so hard to see my animals, right?
• Am I overreacting if I go no-contact? Bonus: They live an hour’s drive away now, but bought a house down the street from where I live, that will be ready in a few months.

​

But another question is more down to my own core, about how I handle this internally:

• Can you please give me a tip on how to not let requests like these stick to me so much? I want it to roll of off me like water from a greasy duck, but in stead it lingers in my concience. I think I handled the phone call well; open and honest, clear, firm yet friendly. I stood my ground, literally. But I have a hard time getting it off my mind after that. Where is the eject button for feelings like these?

​

TL;DR: Unrelated to my divorce, I’m in a rough spot. Former in-laws act as if my pets are their grandchildren, call them their grandpets, and they state it is unbearable for them not to see them. I feel my good reason to postpone such a visit is ignored by them, and I have a hard time to just release the pressure they put on me.

Submitted July 01, 2019 at 02:50PM by throwaway-in-law https://ift.tt/2KSzsRm