[M27] I'm a former drug dealer and I have been incarcerated before - I told my girl [F26] and I think I've lost her

It's been a rough for couple of weeks for me. Never posted a personal story on the internet before. I guess it just goes to show how desperate I am. That I can't deny.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 months. We come from opposite sides of society. She comes from a well to do family and I come from a poor family filled with criminals and addicts. I've been both in my life.

I was a drug/alcohol addict and criminal from ages 11-22. My dad has always been in and out of jail (currently in right now) and my mom has always been an addict. Growing up wasn't easy. I was exposed to substance abuse at a very young age. I was also sexually and physically abused. Started drinking and doing drugs when I was 11 and started selling drugs when I was 14. Had a few brush ins with the law before doing 3 years on drug charges when I was 19. Was released when I was 22.

My time in prison changed me. It was an horrific experience. One I vowed to never go through again. I sobered up inside and got my act together. When I got out I stayed clean - disassociated myself from my parents and the people I used to get high and commit crimes with. Got a legit job, hit the sobriety meetings on the regular and just looked for something different in my life.

A former colleague I worked with was into photography and videography. It was a hobby of his. He introduced me to it and I fell in love. I immersed myself in it and started learning all I could. I now have my own photography/videography business. I do wedding photographs, music vids for local artists, corporate videos, stuff like that. It's a great passion of mine.

And I met my girlfriend through that passion. I did a corporate video for the company she works for. We met and hit off. No woman has made me as happy as she does. I love her with all my heart. I've always been absolutely terrible with women. I'm a loner and can be very aloof. Emotional intimacy is something I've struggled with my entire life. And that's why I've always been a disaster with women. But this woman is different. I don't feel a sense of dread and discomfort when I'm with her. She makes me feel at home and happy.

Initially, I told my girlfriend I was a former addict, but I left out the dealing and jail time. I was afraid to lose her. However 2 weeks ago I told her the entire truth. I told her everything as I felt I had to tell her if our relationship was to progress.

She has been distant ever since. We aren't talking all that much and not seeing each other as much. When I ask, my girlfriend says what I told her hasn't changed her mind about me. But it clearly has. tl;dr

I'm a total wreck. I've been sober for almost 8 years - for the first time in those 8 years, I almost bought a bottle of whiskey. For the first time in those 8 years, I drove through the streets I used to hang on, on the surface telling myself that I needed some perspective but deep down the addict in me knowing that I was looking for someone I might knew. Someone who would have some merchandise. I called my sponsor after these two incidences and have been hitting the meetings religiously. I feel this dark cloud coming over me. Being with my girlfriend is the happiest I've ever been and the notion of losing her is killing me. Is there anything I can do?

Submitted December 28, 2018 at 12:51PM by BearLemonade http://bit.ly/2SoBAAb