I was a fairly naive, bright- eyed kid when I came to college, and a few bad friendships/ relationship has turned me into an anxiety ridden mess. That being said, the trauma of the past lingers with me and I carry it around, and it often negatively impacts my current relationship.
The latest instance was yesterday, I was with my boyfriend at the mall and he was playing the upcoming ultimate smash demo with his friends. I went because his friend invited me, and my boyfriend was happy to have me there. I'm not good at video games though, and it started to make me feel anxious. Everything started making me feel anxious. I felt bad that I was there when it seemed like it should have just been a fun event for him and his friends without me involved. I felt like the girlfriend that's always there for no reason. They mentioned not seeing him as much anymore and I started wondering if that was my fault.
Come game time I'm an anxious mess. His friends asked if I would play and I said no, but they insisted. He tried to hug me and assure me that it was just a game/ not a big deal and I somewhat forcefully pulled myself away from him and got really quiet. I still feel really shitty about that. He was just trying to help. I played two games and was really bad at it and felt really embarrassed/ more anxious.
I started interacting less over the course of the day, becoming really quiet, and I could tell my boyfriend started having a growing concern for me. I felt shitty that my mood started bringing his down and I realized that he became more focused on whether or not I was doing okay rather than enjoying himself. He has a wonderful group of friends and was not as interactive as he usually is with them and that was my fault. Suddenly everything felt like it was about me.
There came a point where there was too many players for teams so I insisted I didn't play again, and my boyfriend apologized for having me feel left out. I assured him it was fine and he tried hugging again but I pulled away again.
Once he and his friends were back to playing, I went into a store that was close by. He texted me asking where I was and I let him know. After a while I wandered to the food court. He texted me again a while later, and when he came and found me I could tell he was hurt and upset. Instead of assuring him I was okay, or apologizing for wandering off without notice, or even coming up with some kind of excuse, I just was apathetic and didn't acknowledge his emotions at all. Not that I didn't want to, but just couldn't bring myself to.
It's just ridiculous because he accommodated for my emotions the entire time and when he needed it, I didn't provide it back. And this isn't the only time stuff like this has happened. It's a recurring issue, and I always apologize and feel remorse, but when my anxiety hits full throttle I become distant and seemingly apathetic to other people. I feel quite intensely like a burden to others and any form of interaction makes me feel guilty. I only cater to my own emotions and avoid emotional intimacy with others during these times.
We walked around the mall for a bit and I started to come down from that anxiety, but not entirely because I felt guilty about being alone with him when he should've been with his friends. He assured me he was done playing and that we should spend some time together but I still felt bad. We drove his friends home and then I went home.
I haven't talked to him today, though apparently he called me a few hours ago but my phone was dead. I tried calling him back but he won't answer despite being active on social media. I'm sure he thought I was ignoring him and is hurt and confused.
I've told him before that I don't think it's fair that he has to normalize my behavior. I don't think it's normal and I feel like he could do better than myself. I want to change, and I have incrementally, but some things are so hard to unlearn. I want to apologize, and not have to apologize again because I'm better. I feel like such a deadbeat when I apologize because my habits are essentially forms of emotional neglect, and apologies do nothing but offer bandaids to those sort of deep wounds. Each apology feels more and more false as it happens again and again. He's told me about how worried he gets when I get quiet and it just fucks with me, he doesn't deserve that, he's a good guy.
Edit: Reading over this, maybe it doesn't seem like a big issue, but I essentially become aloof and emotionally distant without indications of why. I never can communicate it, I just feel instantly bound by inability to connect to him, and most of the time, majority of this aloofness is directed towards him.
I'm conflicted because I don't want to leave him- I love him and I want to be with him and I want to be worthy of him, but my change is slow. What worries me is that I also know that he won't leave me, no matter how bad it gets because I can always explain myself and apologize, and also he just doesn't drop people in general. But an explanation isn't enough and I know that even if he doesn't.
Everyday I learn patience from him, understanding, love, and trust. I can't imagine what he learns from me. Fear? Distrust? Emotional distance? Bad communication habits?
TL;DR- I think I'm bad for my boyfriends mental health, feel guilty about dealing with anxiety with him. I feel as though our relationship has become unhealthy for his wellbeing/ maybe we shouldn't be together and I don't know how to proceed.
Submitted December 01, 2018 at 06:27AM by Utumultuousfuk https://ift.tt/2Rsc1xR
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